Am I a "lazy parent" or just lazy??

[anonymousbird]

I adore my children, as I know all you do, I want the best for them of course. I will also, so to speak do absolutely anything for them.

However, I am something of an advocate of what is loosely termed as "lazy parenting" ie. I am there, I am supervising, I am ensuring all is fine and dandy but I just don't feel that I have to have constant activities arranged for my children - either at home or out and about. I want them to get the hang of working things out for themselves as to what they might do next. We are very lucky that we have a good sized garden and as such, they can and do just charge around, roll around, and so on outside. I am very interested in what they are doing, dont get me wrong, and of course help them out with things when they need it, or occasionally I suggest something that they might want to do (if they are really stuck and bored) but I would rather stand back most of the time and let them get on with it.

My BIL and SIL are the total opposite of me. Similar aged children, but at all times at least one, if not both of them are actively DOING STUFF with the children. So, even if the children are just playing lego or colouring they are actively doing it with them. I equate this with "noisy parenting" ie. I MUST be seen to be doing LOTS AND LOTS of really FUN STUFF and being a really ACTIVE and often NOISY PARENT at all times.

The second you walk away they are like "Mum/Dad, I need you here to help me". But they don't really. Obviously, it's nice to be wanted as a parent, but if you can't just say "guys, just go with it, do the bla bla on your own for a few minutes", it's a rod for your own back isn't it?

How do you approach this? Am I a "lazy parent" or just lazy in the true sense of the word.

BTW, DH and I have made a conscious decision to treat our children this way.. it's not just how things turned out!

[GFatemybaby]

Oh I think your style of parenting sounds marvellous. In fact I reckon most of us were raised this way. I know I was and I have really happy childhood memories. Don't sweat it if your children are happy!

[ditavonteesed]

well I am like you, but I am definatley lazy.

[OrmRenewed]

I don;t know what you are. But I'm the same.

I would prefer the term benign neglect personally Because it could be termed neglectful by those who fret, and I think it's benign.

And I am not be nature a lazy person. I don't think it's possible to be a lazy person with 3 DC, a full-time job and a running habit!

[BlauerEngel]

Well, I think it sounds great, but it definitely needs a makeover if it's getting called either 'lazy parenting' or 'benign neglect'. How about 'hands-off parenting'?

The kids who are brought up this way develop the necessary coping mechanisms for life, safe in the knowledge that you're around there somewhere, just not breathing down their necks and micro-managing their lives. I feel profoundly sorry for the victims of 'noisy parenting', which ignores the child's need for independence in favour of the parent's need for control and recognition.

[iamfabregasted]

I call it healthy neglect, and for what its worth I think you're doing a great job.

[Librashavinganotherbiscuit]

Maybe your BIL and SIL ENJOY being that sort of parent, my parenting skills are more along your lines at the moment but when DS is a little older (only 22 months atm) I am hoping I will get stuck into painting/cooking with him, just because it can be fun doing it all together.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I know you're probably talking about older children than mine (18 mo), and also I work four days a week so that might alter things.

But I get a bit twitchy at the judging of the more 'hands on' parenting style. I realise that this isn't the OP's term, but BlauerEngel calling children 'victims' of noisy parenting whom she pities because their needs are being ignored in favour of the parent's need for control. Come the fuck on, seriously.

Because, here's the thing, I really really enjoy colouring in and playing imagination games and making up plays for her teddy bears. You can think I'm tragic and in need of a life if you want, but it's not about control or ego stroking or anything. It's about the fact that most of the time I work in a high pressure job where I often feel anxious and/or inadequate and/or pressured to wear an arrogant and collected persona. It's a relief to come home and spend half an hour having a tickling match and then read out a book using silly voices. I look forward to it.

So, how about you carry on with your wonderful parenting, which does indeed sound wonderful, and accept that those of us who do it differently might just be doing so because we like it?

"Rod for your own back" reminds me of people telling me when mine was tiny, don't pick her up too much, you'll make a rod for your own back. Even then, I picked her up because I wanted to hold her. It wasn't a rod, it was a joy.

[anonymousbird]

Oh, I love to cook and read with them etc, we often have those types of days you describe (mine are 4 and 5 ) especially when we are "off routine" ie. school holidays etc.

So absolutely I advocate doing SOME stuff with your kids of course, but equally I just think that if they are happy sorting themselves out for their general play, then that gives them independence and makes them use their imaginations. Of course, they need pointers perhaps or I boot the football out the back door (and sometimes join in!) when they start to have a go at each other and need a distraction.

I was just interested in other people's views, that's all.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I think I'm reacting to BlauerEngel rather than you, really, anonymousbird. Although you did say

"So, even if the children are just playing lego or colouring they are actively doing it with them. I equate this with "noisy parenting" ie. I MUST be seen to be doing LOTS AND LOTS of really FUN STUFF and being a really ACTIVE and often NOISY PARENT at all times." with the last sentence implying that your inlaws are doing what they do for appearances' sake.

Of course, I don't know how much independence I'll think appropriate at 4 and 5, but if it's enough that I can read a book from time to time, that suits me. But I'd hate people to see me playing a game with mine and assume I'm just wanting approval from other parents. I don't really care about the opinions of other parents. I just want to stop being a lawyer and start being Tilly the Attack Tortoise once in a while.

[Adair]

Oh gawd, I hate this 'ooh look, don't other people hate me, but aren't I right' type of post. Do what you want to do, enjoy your kids. Tbh I think most parents are as you describe? Sometimes a hands-off parent and see the importance of being able to entertain themselves, but sometimes play with them, making stuff or whatever. It's just what most decent parents DO. I think all these hyper-controlling parents are a media cliche - haven't actually met any in real-life. I am obviously ignoring my two (21mths and 4) while I MN. Of course, they are fine (dd being a bridge for ds?).

Also I HATE 'benign neglect' as a label, having taught lots of actual neglected children - who yes, can make a meal for themselves but are NOT better off - kids need to be looked after sometimes. Really. Which obviously you and I are doing - so why the 'benign neglect' label. Is lots of parents who do not neglect their kids AT ALL being all smug because they have been given a label that says 'we do it better than you Our kids play like we did in the 70s when everything was great'

[jamaisjedors]

Good post Adair.

The Op doesn't really sound like they think they are lazy:

"BTW, DH and I have made a conscious decision to treat our children this way.. it's not just how things turned out!"

If you really thought you were lazy you wouldn't say this.

I DO think I'm sometimes lazy mning while the kids watch tv but I'm not smug enough to boast about it on here.

[ConnorTraceptive]

I'm a lazy parent but tbh I don't feel great about it. It's not even a conscious choice really, certainly not how I imagined i would be. Letting the children learn to play by themselves is great and they do have the capacity to be by themselves for long periods but I admire people who take the time to play with their children more. I do it but not as much as I should.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I like the way you have worded it OP.

Making out that yoy yourself ar lazy, but then subtley and snidily criticising the more involved way of parenting. No doubt awaiting the barrage of posts saying 'oh no your way is the best and slagging off people who colour in with their kids.

To be honest there is no right or wrong way. So what if people take time to sit down and make dens with their kids? There is no need to take the piss and say that they are 'loudly parenting', for effect.

I am certainly on the benign neglect side of things. When dd was little I loathed glitter and glue stuff. I used to dread it. I used to get the stuff out and let her get on with it.

To be honest it has come round to bite me on the arse, she is now 14, will never to glueing and sticking again and I would love to go back in time and actually make an effort to sit there and do something like this with her, rather than think (as I did at the time) oh sod it carry on by yourself whilst I read the paper.

Yes my dd is independent, has a great imagination, is a lovely girl and certainly doesn't complain that I didn;t play enough with her when she was young. But I regret it.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Oh sod it everyone, sorry, I can actually type and spell but it all goes shit shaped on MN for some reason

Excellent post Adair.

[Prosecco]

Connortraceptive- you are me. I am definitely a lazy parent most of the time. I enjoy crafty things, puzzles etc. but there are some things I just don't do. This, however, was not how I started out- but a year or so of role play assured me that I am more comfortable as a lazy parent. So for me, my parenting style has not been thought out- in fact, I thought I would be that hands on parent- but it turns out that I, for one, am just too damn lazy, and it does make me feel guilty on occasion.

[Prosecco]

Getorfmoiland- Your post is very insightful.
I am off to hunt out the glue

[bruffin]

To me "lazy parenting" is letting children get away with bad behaviour for an easy life.

[AndieWalsh]

I was raised by a 'lazy parent'. She wasn't actually lazy at all, but she gave us nice situations (took us to the park, had friends over etc) and then let us get on with it. We didn't do zillions of after school activities or organised club-based stuff. It was lovely and my childhood was very happy.

However, every child is different, and what I will say is this: I was a very bright child who would probably have thrived with a bit more structure and slightly more, dare I say it, pressure. I was interested and curious about everything, but never really cultivated any of my 'talents'. I never had to go to after school classes, practice anything, work hard at anything. I didn't really learn self-discipline, and I arrived in early adulthood as a sort of 'Jack of all Trades, Master of None'.

I have friends who had much more 'managed' childhoods, and perhaps they lost out in ways I did not, but they have interests and hobbies (from musical instruments or sports to langauges) that I don't, because I spent my childhood rolling around in the garden

I am not saying it wasn't great. It was. But I think there should be a balance.

[stirringbeast]

I guess it's all a balancing act, like everything. I was far more hands on with dc1 than I am with dc3 - now worn down and a bit knackered whereas it was all a novelty back then, but also I have changed my philosophy slightly. I can see that dc3 is far more independent from being left to get on with it more, whereas dd1 is still very much into me doing everything with her. Now it's a bit of a struggle to get her to do things on her own. However maybe she's just like that anyway - she asks to go to clubs and hobbies etc whereas ds (dc2) actually resents being made to go to swimming lessons, he literally wants to do nothing after school. We tend to go out and do things together but at home I prefer to leave them to get with it.

[AndieWalsh]

Btw, should have said - my 5 yr old has an Autistic Spectrum condition and finds structured social situations very hard. For that reason, we do a lot of 'lazy parenting' with him. He is never happier than when horsing about in the garden or lolling about on the livng room floor with his toys, and right now all I want is for him to have happy, stress free times. So, what is best for each child really is different.

[Thediaryofanobody]

Maybe not lazy but certainly competitive.

[dotty2]

I would love to be lazier as a parent, and indeed have tried to be every single day since DD1 was born, but she refuses to allow it. She seems to need lots of attention and interaction and wails "But I don't know what to do..." if told to play by herself for a bit. (Obviously I am not a complete slave to her needs, and sometimes just leave her to wail while I get on with whatever I want to do...) She loves school, and any sort of structured activity.She is 5 next week. It is getting easier now that DD2 is nearly 3 and more of a playmate. Sometimes I think I have made a rod for my own back, but I honestly don't know how I did it. Like I say, I was constantly trying to get her to be a bit more self-contained, but attempts to make her more independent usually backfire. It's like she has to do it at her own pace. Sometimes I think children dictate the kind of parenting they need: even as a baby she was always calmed by being chatted to or sung nursery rhymes whereas DD2 could be amused with a rattle etc, and is now much more able to play by herself. The house would be a lot cleaner if DD1 were also like her...

[OrmRenewed]

I don't think this is smugness. It is expressing a genuine concern that this kind of parenting is looked on upon as inadequate nowadays. I can see where OP is coming from. I often feel inadequate - or I used to before terminal exhaustion made me realise I didn't give a toss what anyone else thought.

[HousewifeOfOrangeCounty]

I am like you OP it doesn't mean that I don't do things with my dc's, but my assumption is that they are capable of playing together. However I do have three and they are older end of primary school, so don't need me to hover over them.

We also encourage them to be independent, so plates are put in the dishwasher, they are expected to put their clothes away, keep rooms tidy, care for their own pets etc. Sometimes I do think perhaps I'm a dragon, especially when other parents comment ie. ds took his plate into the kitchen when he went for friend for tea the Mum was shocked.

However overall I think it's a great way of bringing them up, I don't expect them to be emotionally independent and we are all very close.

[anonymousbird]

My IL's do make it fairly clear (gestures and expressions, not words) that they feel we don't "do enough" minute to minute with our kids. I think that is partly why they go so OTT in the opposite direction when we are in their company. Or maybe they are the same in private, but it does have the feel of being a bit of a "show"..

If we are all out together with the two families, the four children can all muck in on the walk/bike ride/play at the playground/pub garden and just get on with it in my view. Why do they need one, two or three of the four parents (who are close by and supervising naturally) to be involved in a game of football or clapping every time they come down the slide??? They are all old enough not to need physical help. They nip back every now and then, we give good encouraging words about how well they are all playing together and send them on their way.

Hence, my question, am I just lazy? I think they think I am. In these types of situations, I just want my kids to be kids WITH kids or each other.