ADVICE NEEDED - SUPERVISING A 6 YR OLD

[DavieMinx]

HI THERE,

I AM NEW TO THIS WEBSITE AND NOT YET A MUM MYSELF BUT I HOPE THAT AN EXPERIENCED MUM(S) CAN HELP/ ADVISE ME OVER THE FOLLOWING:

I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK WHEN I RANG MY SISTER LAST NIGHT AND HER 6 YEAR OLD BOY (MY NEPHEW) ANSWERED. WHEN I ASKED TO SPEAK TO HIS MUM, HE TOLD ME THAT 'MUM HAS GONE TO BED WITH BABY C AND SISTER B IS ALSO IN BED'. I ASKED WHY HE WAS UP WATCHING A DVD WHILE HIS MUM WAS IN BED AND HE SAID: "SHE SAID I WAS ALLOWED TO". I TRIED CALLING HER MOBILE BUT IT WAS TURNED OFF AND I DIDN'T WANT TO CAUSE TROUBLE FOR MY NEPHEW HAVING HIM WAKE HER TO COME DOWN TO THE PHONE (DUMB OF ME, PROBABLY!) . THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS THAT I HAVE CALLED, MY NEPHEW HAS ANSWERED AND TOLD ME THAT MY SISTER IS IN BED. THE 1ST TIME HE TRIED TO WAKE HER BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING TOO HEAVILY. SHE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS A ONE OFF THAT 1ST TIME.

MY BRO-IN-LAW WORKS NIGHT SHIFTS SO IT IS ONLY MY SISTER AT HOME WITH THE CHILDREN AS SOLE CARER TO THEIR 3 CHILDREN MONDAY-FRIDAY NIGHTS. THE 1ST TIME I TEXTED MY BRO-IN-LAW TO SAY I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED THAT MY SISTER COULD NOT BE STIRRED AWAKE BY MY NEPHEW WHEN I RANG. HIS REPLY WAS: "DON'T WORRY, SHE MAY HAVE TAKEN A SLEEPING TABLET."
I DESPAIRED WHEN I READ HIS REPLY BECAUSE HE WAS 20 MILES AWAY AT WORK, SHE HAD THE BABY IN THE BED WITH HER AND SHE CLEARLY WAS IN A VERY DEEP SLEEP, A TODDLER SLEEPING IN NEXT ROOM AND THEN MY 6 YEAR OLD NEPHEW COULD NOT WAKE HER. I RANG MY OTHER SISTER (WHO LIVES NEARBY) AND SHE DROVE OVER, LET HERSELF IN, AND GOT OUR NEPHEW BACK TO BED, FED THE BABY WHEN HE WOKE A LITTLE LATER AND RETURNED HIM TO HIS CRIB. THEN SHE WAITED UNTIL JUST BEFORE MY BRO-IN-LAW RETURNED FROM WORK (DIDN'T WAIT FOR HIS ARRIVAL AS HE WOULD HAVE GOT SHIRTY WITH HER AS HE DID NOT THINK IT WAS A PROBLEM?!).

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY FOR THE BEST. AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE SAFETY AND CARE OF THOSE CHILDREN IS THE PRIORITY IN ALL THIS. I KNOW THAT MY SISTER AND BRO-IN-LAW OFTEN STAY IN BED UNTIL ALMOST 12PM AT WEEKENDS WHEN MY NEPHEW (6) AND NIECE (ALMOST 3) GET UP EARLY. I PERSONALLY THINK THIS TO BE PLAIN AND SIMPLE IRRESPONSIBLE AND PURE LAZINESS ON THE PARTS OF MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER AT AGED 30 AND 32!! SURELY AT LEAST ONE OF THEM SHOULD GET UP WITH THE CHILDREN AND FIX THEM BREAKFAST?! NOT HAVE A 6 YEAR OLD BOY (WITH ADHD) HAVE TO TEND TO HIS LITTLE SISTER??

MY SISTER IS STILL BEING TREATED FOR POST-NATAL DEPRESSION AFTER THE BIRTH OF BABY NO.3, 6 MONTHS AGO (SHE SUFFERED WITH IT AFTER ALL 3 PREGNANCIES, WORST WAS AFTER BABY 2).

AM I BEING UNREASONABLE? I JUST KNOW THAT, WHEN I HAVE MY FIRST CHILD THAT I COULD NOT ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF LEAVING MY CHILD UNSUPERVISED LIKE THIS.

HAVE TO GET READY FOR WORK JUST NOW BUT ANY ADVICE WOULD VERY MUCH BE WELCOMED FROM YOU MUMS OUT THERE WHO HAPPEN TO READ THIS.

MANY THANKS IN ADVANCE!

[TheJollyPirate]

Hello Davie - welcome to MN

Your sister has post-natal depression which might account for the need to sleep.
Letting a six year old sit downstairs and watch a DVD alone is not a problem. If your sister has taken a sleeping tablet and cannot be roused however, that IS a worry for all the children who may not be able to wake her if she is needed.

Do you know who her HV is? If so a chat with her may help.

You did the right thing in getting your other sister to go round when you could not rouse her last time. I think you need to consider what you might need to do if this happend again and your other sister is not around. You might need to involve the police if this happens again - they will go and check on the welfare of the children and won't give you away. Would just say that someone was concerned as the 6 year old said he "couldn't wake Mummy".

You are right in thinking that the safety and care of the children is a priority. Is your brother in law at all approachable? It must be a worry for him to see your sister like this.

You can also talk to social services anonymously about your concerns - even if you don't want to do a referral. You can always ask for general advice as they will tell you what their concerns would be and how they might approach the family. You can ask for advice without giving your sister's name if you feel uncomfortable about involving them.

[cory]

Letting a 6yo up to entertain himself in the morning is normal in all families I know. If the family lived in northern Europe, he would also be walking to school on his own, be left on his own at home when mummy was shopping and go out and play with his mates unsupervised. My SIL was always a very heavy sleeper (without the aid of sleeping tablets) so her children were used to getting up and fixing themselves breakfast.

So I wouldn't immediately wade in and accuse your sister of being irresponsible.

However, it may be that his ADHD makes this unsuitable for your nephew and it may also be that your sister needs a helping hand if she is suffering badly with PND. So help by all means.

btw using capitals is the conventional sign that you are shouting at us.