11 year old - please help me to avoid interfering

[PaperFlower]

My son is 11 and in his last year at primary. He has never been and probably never will be a "popular" kid but he's comfortable with who he is and he does have a couple of decent friends. Most of the time though he prefers his own space.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago I noticed he was guarding his mobile phone and taking it everwhere with him. Naturally I snuck a peek when I could and saw that he had been texting back and forth with a girl from school. This suprised me as the girl is quite "popular" and not DS's usual type of friend. But anyway a few days ago he asked me if it was ok to get rid of some of his possessions. I asked if he was intending to sell them and he said "no, I'll just give them away, someone at school wants them". I knew who he meant but I asked anyway and it was the girl he'd been texting. I said "No, some of those things are worth a lot of money, you're not just giving them away. If she really wants them, ask if she wants to buy them from you". He whinged but finally accepted that he wasn't allowed.
I snuck another look on his phone that night and there was a message from her saying "can't you just put them in your pocket and sneak them to school behind her back?"

Apart from this she has also had him searching the net for song lyrics and printing them all out for her etc.

I had a brief chat with DS about people who can sometimes "seem" like a friend when really they're just using you. Mentioning no names of course.

Anyway I also read a txt from him saying he couldn't sneak them into school (and I do trust him here, he's a sensible kid) and apologising.

Then tonight I've just read a text from him saying "so, we're still friends?" and she replied with "n o spells no"

Now maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here but it seems to me she has just proved my point entirely about people who "seem" to be a friend. I feel really sorry for DS who has obviously just had the piss ripped out of him all along but what do I do? I can't always interfere and wrap him in cotton wool can I? I know he'll be upset but do I just let him learn from it or what?

Its so hard watching people treating your babies like shite isn't it?

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh your poor DS This sounds like bullying TBH and I would have a quiet word with the teacher.

[activate]

you sure its not young love?

[scurryfunge]

Hard as it is, you can't interfere....he is learning valuable lessons and will come to the right conclusion eventually about this girl. Just be there to chat about it whenever he wants and boost his self esteem

[posieparker]

I would have a chat with the school, perhaps she has 'form' about this obviously you can't allow him to be named.

Primary school with a phone though, is that normal these days?

[PaperFlower]

But I could cry for him he's such a trusting and caring person. When the entire class turned against her he lost friends sticking up for her. I think he does have a bit of a soft spot for her and I'm wondering if he thought she was to become his "first girlfriend" and then he finds out she was just using him. I know that;s just life but I thought he'd be at least 14 before all this hit him.

I will monitor his texts to keep an eye on any bullying but he's started deleting them all as soon as he's read them (thanks to nosy younger brother )

[posieparker]

I think, and my children are much younger, you can talk about what it means to be a good friend. Encourage nicer friends, does he go to any clubs outside of school?

[PaperFlower]

Yes he goes to karate and drama. Thing is he doesn't realise I know its all gone pear shaped and I don't think he has any intention of telling me. Probably a bit embarrassed

[oliviacrumble]

Your poor, poor ds .

It's truly awful seeing them go through this pain and hurt - and what a little madam!

I would just try to "be there" for him (apologies for awful phrase). maybe encourage him to talk by saying something like "You seem a little sad/quiet/upset whatever...Is there anything going on in school that's making you sad?"

Hope you and he feel much better soon!

[didgeridoo]

Im sorry to hear what's been happening to your ds but can't see what it has to do with the school, other than they happen to be in the same class. Did the texting take place during school hours? I think all you can do is tell him to stay well away from her. She sounds like she has issues but that's not your problem. I agree a chat about true friends is definitely in order.

It's puzzling how kids like this become "popular" isn't it? I wonder if it's because the other dc's are a little afraid of her? Though you say in your later post that the class turned against her? She may be trying to exercise her need for control over your ds as she now has none over the rest of the class. Just my armchair psychology, sorry........

[PaperFlower]

DS caught me with his phone last night and asked "why do you keep stealing my phone??" I made up some silly excuse, he saw straight through it and said "don't worry, I know what you meant now about people using you."

I told him to just learn from it and I told him I was proud of the way he handled it (not giving her the stuff to make her happy) and apparantly she'd sent him a text saying "I hope you're happy with yourself. I'm sat here crying my eyes out and all you had to do was bring those things to school"

So DS has had his first experience of female guilt tripping manipulation. Poor kid. I notice he's now taken her name off his contact list.

[mummytime]

Hi! I've just read Queen Bees and Wannabees, and from that I would suggest you need to talk to him more about cyber bullying. Also do set rules such as no mobiles in bedrooms (helps them sleep) and helps limit more dangerous things later.
Do start to have little chats, and with his younger brother. These things all start a lot younger. Also when he's at seniors school do make sure he doesn't use his phone, and neer text him during the school day (I have seen kids taking texts from their parents in lessons).

My 11 year old DD has one too, because of Horse Riding, only one person outside the family has the number.

[greenday]

He sounds like such a sensible lad!!! My DCs are still pretty young here so I don't have the type of experience you're looking for.

But FWIW, I have strong memories of how my parents used to interfere, and although they didn't mean to say or act 'I-told-you-so' when they were right, they definitely made me feel like they did-tell-me-so. Even up to this day, my parents are still telling me what they think of my friend, etc ..

And their interfering has shaped my relationship with them. Firstly, I never want to share any piece of info with them. I don't trust them to react in a way that would help me or the situation, even though all they want to do is to help, if that makes sense.

So, my 2-cents-worth is to do all you can to maintain his trust in you.

[MudandRoses]

As a matter of interest, what exactly were the 'things' she wanted?? Sounds very odd.

IMO, they're not too old that I would have a word with her mum - just a friendly one - find out what SHE thinks is going on? And - I would also try and talk to your DS about it - it sounds like he would open up if he's saying things like "I see what you meant about people using you".