Not enjoying being a SAHM but can't afford to work

[naturelover]

I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old baby and the decision to be a SAHM was made before my toddler was even born as I wasn't a high earner, and I also felt I wanted to be around for my kids the way my mother was for us, to give maximum security/continuity etc.

The reality is that I'm not nearly patient enough for my toddler and I can't afford any childcare for her as I'm not working to pay for it. DH works long hours in high stress job and without that we would lose the house.

I have these 12-13 hour days looking after the house and kids and I'm up breastfeeding DS at least 2, usually 3 times a night and I'm permanently shattered. I'm taking antidepressants but they affect my libido, so DH feels un-lusted-after and resentful. I get no me time at all to pamper myself, exercise or even read the paper. DD doesn't nap anymore and I'm finding it hard not having that one hour a day to collect my thoughts, potter around, email, MN or even do the tedious jobs that can't be done with two young kids around (ironing, cooking).

I have no family nearby to help out. I do have a cleaner now once every two weeks which is a huge help. To pay for DD to go to playgroups without me, I'd have to give up the cleaner. What would you do?

I keep thinking the solution is to get a full-time job as I would enjoy the children more if I wasn't with them all day every day, but then I just know that in case of illness etc it would be me who would have to drop everything and juggle work in order to take care of them. Also, I would struggle to earn enough to even cover the childcare though perhaps childcare vouchers would help. DD doesn't get her 15 hours nursery until next Jan.

I suppose I feel I have no identity except looking after everyone (except that DH feels neglected in spite of that).

Anyone else in the same situation? What works for you? Thanks for reading this far.

[TheCrackFox]

I was in a very similar situation to you. I couldn't afford to work but missed the adult company.

I am not going to lie to you the next 6 months will be hard work but you can and will get through it.

I used to do my housework once the DCs were in bed but I am a little bit of a slattern so it depends on how high your standards are as to whether you give up your cleaner or not.

One thing that could be hugely beneficial to you would be to take some proper time out for yourself at the weekends - gym, mooch round the shops, long drive. Dh can take over for a couple of hours too.

Make Saturday night date night and you/Dh can cook something special, have a nice bottle of wine and watch a DVD. Your relationship is important too.

Also make sure you both get a lie in at the weekend. He can get up early on Saturday and you can do Sunday.

[PeacefulLiz]

Hi, I feel for you.

I've always worked full time, because I get depressed very quickly if I have to look after my kids full time.

Have you investigated how much childcare the govt will pay for? If you qualify for working tax credits the govt will pay for %80 of your childcare costs.

Try and work out a way that you can go back to work. Could you get a Sat or evening job?

Could you find another Mum and look after each others kids one morning a week so that you get one morning to yourself?

Keep talking to your GP and to us.

And try not to worry about things that don't matter - how tidy the house is, the ironing etc. Also don't feel guilty about your husband - he should feel guilty about not supporting you enough. Right now you need to be supported by him, not the otherway round.

Hugs

[alitesneeze]

Could you take both dc's to playgroup? It would help to get out of the house and chat to some other people in the same situation, while DD is entertained. Some of the other networking sites have local mum meet ups (not sure if MN has it too as am new?) The one in my area is at a soft play so bigger DCs are entertained and it is cheap and chearful.

I work in a hotel at weekends and it is great for that short time not being a mummy or doing housework. HOwever it is quite a tiring job so maybe not perfect solution. Going to the gym/aqua aerobics once a week would be good. DH can look after the DCs and will be pleased with the results too, or that how you can sell it to him

Not sure you would consider this, but DS could perhaps get a bottle for his nighttime feeds now he is 6 months? This might mean he wakes for less feeds?

Also I really like the sound of date night- I might adopt this myself!

[LoveBeingAMummy]

I feel likt this and only hvae one! She's just turned two. I'm also he from about 6 till 6/7 on my own as well. No advice but will look out and see if i can get some tips!

[nigglewiggle]

Bear in mind that things get much easier as the weather improves. Even if it's just letting them run around in the garden as you hang out the washing! The fresh air might even tire out your toddler enough that she goes back to an afternoon nap .

You are in the hardest place at the moment. Your baby will start to drop the night feeds (2-3 a night sounds quite a lot at 6 months btw), your toddler will start to learn to entertain herself for a while and things just get easier.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, but you just don't realise it. You are making sacrifices for your children and that makes you a great mother.

[heading4home]

I really sympathise. I really hated being a SAHM. I went back to work when my daughter was almost 3 and it was so wonderful.

Do you manage to get any time to yourself at all? Are there any parent and toddler groups that you could go to and take your baby? It's awful to be so isolated and can make you very depressed.

Are you able to discuss with your DH about how you are feeling? You need support too, however stressful his job may be.

[mrsdaz]

My ds is 7 months and also bfeeds 2-3 times a night so i feel for you! I barely get anything done with just one child.

pp have some good suggestions, i go to a baby group just to get out once a week and its the only time my ds doesnt whinge!

I cant afford to go back to work either, its a catch 22 situation!

What area are you in? I will do some searching for you if you like to see whats on around you. There might be a babysitting circle near you where you each look after each others children so it enables everyone to get a break!

[mrsdaz]

Just wanted to add i do have 2 children but one is 9 and at school which makes it much easier....felt awful reading that back to myself as it sounds like ive forgotton about my older ds lol

[MillyMollyMoo]

If you were to do something like Avon for 16 hours a week, even if it didn't make you much money (and it probably won't), you'd be able to claim tax credits to cover a few hours nursery time.
That's what I did, worked on a Saturday, DH looked after them, it paid £35 a week and that covered the other 20% not paid for out of tax credits.

[cranbury]

Forget about ironing. A tip somebody gave me about cooking is once in a while take a week off from cooking - either batch cook in advance or just get food from M&S/little dish stuff. Also cuts down on washing up.

I have no family to help either. If you can't afford pre-school do go to toddler groups/library etc... Plan something every day. I find the school holidays the worse, no pre-school, no groups, and have yet to find a solution.

Not sure anti-depressives are impacting your libido, waking 2-3 times a night will seriously impact it and many of us find that our libido is zero while breastfeeding. Think your DH needs to grow up to be honest, its only for a short while.

[milkmonsters]

But don't you receive £106 in Child Tax Credit and £33 in Child Benefit a week?

Would'n that pay for pre-school nursery 5 mornings a week? Mine costs £6 a session. Counicl-run leisure centres also have subsidised creches where you can drop off the children whilst you have a 2.5 hour pamper, gym or swim in the same building.

[SolidGoldBrass]

The first thing to do is point out to your H that men who do their fair share of childcare and domestic work get more and better sex. Because a fair family arrangement is one in which both adults get the same amount of childfree, chore-free time. Just because he earns the wages doesn't mean that he gets all the available leisure time and that you are doing domestic/childcare work 24/7 in exchange for your keep.

[tryingtoleave]

If you can't afford childcare any other way I would give up the cleaner. I was in the same situation as you last year and I actually found that having the chance to do some housework while one child slept and the other was at playschool was (sad as it sounds) something of a break. Last year was sooo hard. This year is better but mostly because I have dc1 in full time preschool.