Limiting visitors - help!

[AKMD]

Hi everyone. I would like some advice on how to limit visitors to see our DS (5 weeks, first baby) without causing too much offence. I am overwhelmed with the needs of an early, tiny, non-sleeping, constantly eating baby and I keep crying with frustration when DH announces that yet another member of his family (large and local) 'hasn't seen DS yet and they will be coming round today at x.' Even worse, when he is on the phone to one of his family members, they ask when they can come round and he says a time, then says that he needs to check with me, sees me getting upset and then goes back and tells them that it isn't convenient - making it look like I'm the reason why they aren't 'allowed' to come over (which is true, but I hate being made to look like the 'baddie'). I would just love to ban all visitors for the next two weeks, but 1) DH wouldn't let me and 2) I still want my mum to come over as she cooks each day for us and then holds DS so that we can eat, which makes so much difference. At this point I am seriously considering walking out with DS and booking into a hotel somewhere far, far away for a while. What do I do?

[ramblingmum]

could you say just parents for a couple of weeks?For the rest of the family why not arrange an afternoon in a few weeks and invite them all at once. Have it at some one elses house, MIL maybe or a hotel. It might be a hard afternoon but should be easier than lots of visitors

[streetcar]

oh, I sympathise so much. DH is from a large, extended family who have absolutely no concept that family could ever be an imposition. We did as ramblingmum suggests and got lots of them over at once (my mum was a star and catered). It was the evening from hell, but overall it was better than having them all round individually and interrupting valuable sleep time (or just time to yourself when the baby sleeps, which I really craved). We did it at 10 days which was way too early, but like I say better than the alternative.

Am currently pregnant with DC2, and we are going to ban all visitors except grandparents for the first few weeks (at least that's the plan now when I feel brave!)

I really don't get why people are so insistent on doing this - it makes absolutely no difference to them whether they see the baby at a couple of weeks of a couple of months, but makes all the difference to the mum, who let's be honest is the only one that matters! (obviously the baby does too)

Grr. Hope it improves.

[NK5c74826eX126faefc14d]

Arrgghhh, some people are so rude!

Look, you're going to have to be a bit selfish here and if you offend anyone...well they'll get over it. If you want no visitors except your mum then that's how it should be. It's all v well for your dh to dictate but he isn't the one who has just given birth is he?! Tell dh that you're feeling exhausted/not well or whatever and no visitors until x time. If you speak to people on the phone, you don't have to be rude, just say thank you very much for phoning and you will be in touch to arrange a day for them to visit. Be firm and polite but not aggressive and people will get the message.

You'll never have this time with your new baby again so make the most of it - there will be plenty of time for visitors in the weeks and months that lie ahead.

[TakeLovingChances]

You mum cooks for you and holds your child so you can eat??!!

Wow, I am in awe of you. Your mum must be very nice to do that.

I'm not slagging you off by the way, I am impressed.

I'm sitting here feeding my DS who is 4 weeks and would love your mum to come round here to cook for DH & I.

Visitors can be a pain, especially ones who arrange when suits them and forget that you have a little child and don't want to chat for hours. I know how you feel!

Congrats on your baby.

[SqueezyB]

I agree, you need to be firm with DH and just say NO visitors for the next 3 weeks, or however long. People don't realise, especially those without kids or whose kids are all grown up, how hard it is in those first few weeks - they may even think they'll look rude if they don't visit straight away.

Arranging a get-together in a few weeks is a good idea - that way if people ring you can say 'we're a bit snowed under now, but we're having a little party on x day so people can get to know the new arrival'. In fact you could even send out a blanket text inviting people now, so that may stop all the visits.

Good luck, it does get easier! I remember my inlaws came for the weekend when DD was a week old - after about an hour I pretty much ordered my DH to tell them to GO HOME! Which they did, and I don't think they hold a grudge now!

[ilovedoughnuts]

Oh poor you. Just try to remember that it'll soon pass and they'll soon be bored of him (no offence!).

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

I sympathise, I would not be able to ban visitors for 2 weeks. I would make a chart (because I like charts ) allowing a 2 hour slot every 3rd day or what ever you and your DH agree put it on the kitchen wall, they can ONLY come in those hours and it is upto your DH to end the visit if it looks like they aren't going.

If you were still in hospital there would be visiting times and they are there for a reason!

So chart on the wall one visit every few days No compromise.

[hw7342]

'crying with frustration' sounds familiar. I had this in the first week and similar to you my mum was staying with us for this week so i didn't really have an argument in DP's eyes. Really don't get on with the in-laws either. It's very difficult as you are and feel so vulnerable in the new life / role. Maybe get it all over with in one sitting and try and be firm for the rest of the time.

[AKMD]

Thanks everyone, glad to know that I'm not the only one who has ever had this problem! I had a chat with DH last night and I explained how frustrating it was to spend all day jumping up and down to answer the phone to his family (if I don't answer the phone or I unplug it, they come round 'to see if I'm ok'), constantly batting off their questions about when they are going to see DS again and then having them arrive at various hours in the evening expecting to see me when I really need to use the time that DH is there to catch up on some sleep. I'm not sure how well it came across but hopefully he took the point that he at least gets to sleep at night after a long day at work, whereas my work never stops and I haven't had more than a couple of hours sleep a day since I gave birth.

And yes, my mum is amazing.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

We also had an afternoon 'meet the baby' hosted by my MIL and then another hosted by my mum. Was hard work but DD was fine and we set up the cot upstairs so she could have a nap. Ideal for random family and a good way to stop them coming around.

Another idea... during the day turn on answerphone (turn down volume on phone), unplug the doorbell and stick a note on your front door. Put up something like: mum & baby doing well but are now sleeping / having family time (or similar). Then ignore it if they pop around, you don't have to let them in if it's not convenient

We decided to only have visitors for 2 hrs in the afternoon. DH was in charge of 'booking' them on the calendar and also getting them to leave. This meant he didn't need to ask me so I wasn't the baddie if a day/time didn't work. When me/DD had had enough, I would announce DD was hungry and needed a nap, took her from said visitor (if they refused to hand her back) and then went upstairs with her. Also put your visitors to work (washing up etc) and ask them to bring things (cake, milk, dinner). It does put off those popping in regularly but not helping, and you get delicious treats and dinner sorted. Don't be afraid to ask, true friends would love to help to help out.