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I can't cope with the idea of ds getting hurt :(

(11 Posts)
LJsmum Wed 13-Jul-05 12:10:09

Does anyone else get filled with pain at the thought of their child going through emotional hurt, such as rejection? I just don't know how I'm going to get through the ups and downs of his school life over the next 12 years.. I can't even bear it if some other child refuses to play with him at a park. It's almost like I take everything personally for him and I don't want him to feel any hurt at all - unrealistic, I know.

Ds is turning 5 next week and goes to pre-school, he has always been a fairly happy-go-lucky & outgoing kid who will play with virtually anyone he comes into contact with. He's an only child and while I try to keep him in the company of other children as often as I can, I know he sometimes wishes he had someone at home (i.e. a sibling) to play with all the time. Yesterday we went to a cafe with a playground, and he was eager to find some other kids to play with. He usually finds a playmate easily so I left him to it while I had a coffee. About 5 minutes later I went into the playground looking for him, and he was sitting in the corner alone - tears streaming down his face - while 3 or 4 other kids were playing together. These kids already knew each other and were saying to ds, 'go away, we don't want to play with you.' He was trying to be friendly and normally has no problem approaching other kids, but he looked heartbroken as though he couldn't understand it. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that he's a lovely boy and explained that some kids aren't as friendly as others, and that it's THEIR problem NOT his. I also told him that if someone doesn't want to play with him, just find someone else who does.

Then today he asked me whether his pre-school friends loved him or not. His best friend (a classmate) has just left town for three months and I think ds is really missing him and feeling a bit lost. Whenever I think of him being hurt, I just want to intervene and fix it for him but I know I can't. I get so angry if I see kids being aggressive or unfriendly toward him without reason, and I could easily allow myself to get involved, but for the most part I know I have to let him handle things on his own. It is SO hard Can anyone else relate to feeling like this?

spacedonkey Wed 13-Jul-05 12:12:15

Totally. It's completely normal to feel like this LJsmum. No advice to offer, just empathy!

beatie Wed 13-Jul-05 12:19:25

LJsmum - I have no advice either as I feel the same way about my DD and she's only 2. I just wanted to say that your son sounds like a lovely little boy.

alhambra Wed 13-Jul-05 12:30:20

I totally know what you mean and am frequently wimpishly fighting tears at the thought of them getting hurt. At the same time, I think it's really important not to let them know that you feel like that, and instead to concentrate on strategies to help them cope with the inevitable knocks and rejections of the playground. Role-play can help, writing lists of imaginary scenarios with multi-choice responses, etc etc etc. I think it's the most important lesson they have to learn - that they can retain their self-resepct and self-esteem even if others reject them. It is hard though! Good luck and let us know if you come up with any brilliant strategies.

Lizzylou Wed 13-Jul-05 12:34:10

Oh, LJsmum, I don't want to go through this when my DS (16mths) gets bigger....I know how I will feel...
It fills me with dread to be honest, but children are more resilient than we give them credit for...

Dahlia Wed 13-Jul-05 12:34:20

Oh bless him. I can totally relate to this, my dd1 is 9 and sometimes comes home from school upset because other girls have been horrid, or wouldn't play with her, or whatever. It breaks my heart every time! All you can do I think is console, and give lots and lots of love and encouragement. Like you say, its the other kids' problem, not your ds's. But its a horrid feeling. Sending your ds a big hug xx.

ks Wed 13-Jul-05 12:36:09

Message withdrawn

spacedonkey Wed 13-Jul-05 12:37:13

It doesn't get any better as they get older either

Donbean Wed 13-Jul-05 12:39:36

Yes, i can too.
Its not just what you talk about, its any thing to do with children/babies/toddlers which ties me up in complete nots and makes me feel quite ill frankly.
I think that the protective instinct is inbuilt and unbreakably strong.
There is another thread at the moment about a toddler in a dog attack, i cant read it, it is making my stomach churn and making me feel very very anxious just seeing the thread title.
I always always go back to "what if it were mine" scenario.
I cannot cope and cant let it into my thoughts for my own psychological well bieng.
I know what you are saying and understand with stark clarity.

We are mums, thats what mums do, they protect.

LJsmum Wed 13-Jul-05 12:45:31

Thank you... it's good to know I'm not alone.

I can imagine, spacedonkey - it probably just gets more complicated as they get older. Is it worse when they're little though? (for the parents). Somehow when they're so young, they still seem to need so much protection and they still want their mummies & daddies... you just want to be there for them all the time. I suppose it's just different when they get older, but equally as painful.

Sigh... I don't think I'm cut out for this. It's like re-living those times in your own life, but worse because it's happening to your beloved child.

Donbean Wed 13-Jul-05 12:50:19

true.
Up until now i havent parted with my ds.
We go every where together.
He is starting nursery in Sept. 2 mornings a week.
I havent been able to face leaving him some where without me bieng there. Now that he is 2 and is talking i feel that if he is not happy he will now be able to tell me. (and he defo will!)
Whereas as a little baby he couldnt tell me. What if some one was horrid to him and upset him or hurt him and he wanted me and i wasnt there....no i just couldnt contemplate it.
We are both ready now for him to spread his little social wings and learn about people.

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