Does anyone else feel they might have 'burnt themselves out' on DC1 and that DC2 gets a raw deal as a result?

[peggotty]

Sorry, not exactly and snappy and succint title but do you get the gist!? I did everything that most people do with my PFB dd (now nearly 5). Swim/music/tumbletot classes, reading to her constantly, playing with her constantly etc etc. I think I just totally overdid it, but with my ds I think I am really quite lax and have gone the other way - he's only been swimming a few times, never been to a class of any variety, and I leave him to amuse himself much of the time . He's just 2. Admitedly I have had PND after him and am only now coming off citalopram but I really feel like I have parented him so diffently and he got the shitty end of the stick iyswim. He does seem like a happy child incidently, whereas dd is an extremely sensitive girl who seems to feel everything so deeply, that I do struggle with her a lot of the time.

[Jojay]

I know what you're saying but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

My DS2 (15 months)has, like yours, done many fewer structured activities as DS1 at the same stage.

However he gets so much stimulation from being around DS1 and his pals.

I'm also much more confident with him and he's freer to try things that I would have been to scared to let DS1 have a go at - for example clambering over climbing frames etc.

I'm sure it's really common for second and subsequent children to be treated like this, but I really don't think that they benefit less from it.

And incidentally, DS1 is a sensitive little soul too, whereas DS2 is much more robust and confident. Not sure if there's a correlation there.

[seeker]

Yes I do - but I also think that is why a lot of second borns (including mine) are much more laid back, cheerful, accepting and less driven individuals!

[cory]

I do a bit, because dd has a painful chronic condition which took a lot of time to get help with: I have spent the last 5 years fighting her corners. Now ds has been diagnosed with the same disorder and is deteriorating- I don't feel I have the strength to go through it all again. And the fact that he is accepting and uncomplaining doesn't really reassure me at all; I think it's because he knows I'm worn out

[SoupDragon]

"I also think that is why a lot of second borns (including mine) are much more laid back, cheerful, accepting and less driven individuals!"

[arf]

My second and third born are far less laid back and more driven than my firstborn

I too suffered the whole guilt thing but I think I was saved by the fact that I'd had a moment of clarity at Tumbletots with DS1 where I thought "WTF am I doing paying to teach him to climb stuff?" and I stopped going. We went to a toddler group and swimming lessons and that was all from then on. DS2 and DD had only this level of organised stuff too and I really don't think they suffered for it. We socialised with friends/peers and had a fab time.

All three are confident children with distinct personalities.

I think you are suffering an attack of the guilt that will follow you round for the rest of your days - did I spend enough time doing X Y or Z? Should I have done D E or F?? You'll sort one area of guilt and immediately find something to take its place.

[SoupDragon]

Think back to your own childhood. I am a thirdborn and I have no recollection of feeling resentful etc of my parents for having less time for me than they must have had for my eldest brother. I'm willing to bet my mother had some pangs of guilt at some point though

[LadyG]

cory sending v unMnet hugs. Can anyone give you a hand? Are there any support groups that could help you?

[zonedout]

Goodness yes, your post really resonates with me. Only yesterday i was having a long chat with dh about it. I actually had bad pnd after ds1 which partly manifested in a terrible fear of something happenening to him. As a result i would never leave his side. We did tumbletots, music, painting groups, anything and everything. When at home i read, sung and spoke to him constantly. I had endless patience with the fact that he was an abysmal sleeper and literally did not once lose my rag with him until he hit a somewhat trying patch at 3. Ds2 (15 months) on the other hand I barely ever read to, I can count the number of toddler groups we have been to on 1 hand (although this is due in part to time constraints as we have to drop off and pick up ds1 from pre-school, leaving us very little time to do anything in between) and i have much less patience with him than i did with ds1. My guilt is immense, especially as he has suffered some quite serious health probs. I am absolutely besotted with him, he is a truly wonderful little boy but 'burnt out' is exactly how i feel in terms of patience and enthusiasm for play .

[cory]

thanks, LadyG, it seems we are finally going to be referred for family therapy

what got to me was last week when he was off school with a bad hip and for some reason his dad forgot to give him breakfast and I thought he'd had it and was v busy and stressed about seeing dd's mental health team; when I finally went into his room at 11.30 he was just lying there uncomplaining (couldn't sit up because of the pain)

dd would have shouted the house down

to me, that's not a sign of being a robust happy second child; it's more like he's given up. He's 9

[peggotty]

Cory, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, is really does put my moaning to shame... I hope you will get the support you need and deserve.

I am actually the last of 4 children and have absolutely no memory of my mum playing with me, and of course, in those days, there were no soft play centres, baby classes etc. I didn't suffer at all from a lack of attention and feel no resentment that my mum didn't play with me etc. Yes, it's just guilt, (that useless emotion), because ds is giving every impression of being quite happy with my mothering style !

[cory]

thanks, peggotty; we will be getting help- eventually

[ToffeeCrumble]

Yes I do know what you mean. Plus my second dd (much more highly strung than my first dd by the way!) was a much worse sleeper, so for the first year or so i was just too exhausted to do as much with her. I felt like i hardly spoke to dd2 at all in her first year as i was too tired! However she is a much better talker at 2.5 than dd1 was at this age, which tells me that she hasn't suffered too much from lack of stimulation. They are stimulated by having an older sibling and meeting the sib's friends and so on.