:'( can anyone give me some advice re my ds1

[QueenofVenus]

He's 9, and the loveliest, most generous, kind-hearted boy. I know im biased, but he is so lovely, he's quite shy tho, and altho he tries to 'make himself' get involved with things, because he's not naturally extravert he tends to come accross abit awkward and a little 'out of place' he doesnt really 'click' with other kids easily, but can make friends. But recently he's been a little quiet, i asked him last night what on earth was wrong because he was so grumpy and out of sorts, and he didnt cry or anything, he as pretty 'matter of fact' about it - he just said he's got no friends, no-one likes him, everyones got xmas cards he hasnt received one, and that all the other kids call him 'Vampire' He has said to me before about this vampire business, and i mentioned it to the head, she said she'd deal with it, but it doesnt seem much improved! They had a school disco on weds night last week and he didnt really want to go, my ds2 (6) went, so ds1 said he would, but then discovered his as later so wasnt with ds2 anyway, but decided he'd go as he'd got his ticket now, when my ex-dp picked him up afterwards, he said he was just wandering about by himself and never said bye to anyone when he left, and noone said bye to him I feel so so so sad for him i cant describe!! He's such a good boy, he's never in trouble (of course he's had his moments here and there, but nothing out of the norm) how on earth can i help him??? I have no idea's at all

[reikizen]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I have no advice at all to offer, I just didn't want your thread to go unanswered. Hope you find a solution.

[QueenofVenus]

Thanks reikizen! i hope i find a solution too! - i feel useless right now

[coppertop]

Does he have any interests that he could get involved in outside of school?

My 9yr-old has ASD so finds social stuff difficult but attends a couple of clubs/classes outside of school hours. He gets to meet different people of all ages (children and adults) and feels as though he 'belongs'.

[Doodlez]

Has he given you or his teacher any clues as to why he's (seemingly) being rejected? Apart from being shy, does he behave inappropriately, miss or misunderstand social cues, be irritating just to get noticed?

Does he have friends back for tea, get invited to any parties etc?

Why Vampire? Where has that name come from? Is it from his behaviour, something to do with his looks, or something else?

What, if anything, has his teacher (s) picked up on? Have they noticed he always plays along, gets ignored in the classroom, will other kids partner up with him when they go on a coach for example?

Finally, does he play with children at home - neighbours? Does he have friends at a group such as Cubs or does he do any clubs outside of school?

Loads of questions but there's a point to them all.

[boyraiser]

Same as reikizen, as I don't have any experience parenting kids in that age group. But I do feel for you (and him). Have taught early teens and worked at a youth club, and it is strange and often unpleasant how kids decide who is "in" and who isn't. But that doesn't mean things can't and won't change.

It sounds like your DS has low self-esteem and confidence, and that that is rubbing off on his interpersonal relationships - and other kids may well pick up on his awkwardness and exclude him because either they are too unsophisticated and unimaginative to help him bridge that social gap, or because they follow the rest of the herd with regard to who's "cool". (Sorry if this is a bit incoherent - v tired!)

It might help if you can encourage DS to join some club or take up some activity that will help him integrate socially, e.g. football (or other team sport), drama (or music, e.g. orchestra), or perhaps a youth club where there are different kids from the school lot, or some sort of scouting organisation where the kids are put in different groups to achieve goals, and have to work together to achieve stuff. Making friends out of school should help your DS improve his self-image and confidence and that should rub off on him in school.

If you can get to the bottom of the Vampire thing, then that would be helpful. Can you help your son come out with some witty put-downs for anyone who calls him Vampire?

Might it work to have a cool sleepover or some evening out, e.g. bowling, with a group of mates from school - sometimes taking kids out of the school environment gives them the space to redefine their friendship groups.

Try not to let him know how worried you are - he needs your support, but may not be so forward about disclosing this stuff to you if he feels it's becoming a burden for you.

Let us know how it goes.

[QueenofVenus]

Oh thanku guys for that input! I have no idea at all where this 'vampire' thing comes from, i have asked him and he seems to have no clue either! He isnt overly tall or short, he has light brown almost 'blondish' hair, he doesnt have funny shaped teeth or anything (i doubt very much ANY child does really but im grasping at straws here). I do feel some, perhaps all his problems may be my fault, things have been hard work around here for a while, i have him, and ds2 and dd1, and a couple of years ago, their dad and i split which was hard/stressful, last year i met another guy, who i eventually moved in with and we were all happy for a short while as this man very quickly became violent (only to me) and after i discovered i was pregnant to him his violence excalated badly and i threw him out, so im on my own again, with my 3 wonderful, MUCH loved kids, but im also 31 weeks pregnant, and all the stress of whats gone on, i have tried very hard to keep an eye on all 3 of them, and they have been fine, (as fine as they can be) i have spoken to HV and various other 'bodies' and they agree all seems well. But i cant help but wonder, if perhaps ive not taken enough time to help ds1 do sociable things? He doesnt belong to any clubs, and he is always reluctant to go and play with friends or have them round I feel pretty selfish now that i havent tried harder to encourage him more, perhaps a bit more 'gentle' persuasion to get him into clubs etc is a good idea, even if he's abit unwilling initially?? He is such a sweeti, i know how 'mumsy' i sound, but he really is such a fantastic little man, with SUCH affection and generosity, i KNOW if given the chance other kids would see it too! Im not trying hard enough with him am i?

[Doodlez]

Bloody Nora Queenie - STOP beating yourself up! You've been to hell and back and you're still standing. It's NOT your fault!

There may be elements of the past few years which will have affected him, of course but....thousands of children go through similar and get by OK.

I think you need to take a step back and think more objectively:-

a) Yes, clubs out of school are a good idea because they give a child a chance to make different friends, helped by having a shared interest. Cubs/Scouting particularly brilliant if your son doesn't have a passion for say, football. Scouting offers a wide & varied programme so there's summat for every child to enjoy. Clubs also 'dilute' what's happening at school - the child does not have to reply on just school people for his social life.

b) Having a friend back for tea may really help. It gives the two children a chance to get to know each other properly and form a bond in a quieter and less peer-pressured environment. So if you can manage it, and he's willing to ask someone, give it a go.

c)Work with the teacher if you can. Have a chat to her (make an appointment to discuss this specifically) and ask him/her to pay some particular attention to him at school and report back. You can't help much unless you know more specifically where this is going wrong for him. If it's a half-way decent teacher, he/she will have seen similar before and have some ideas. He/she might have noticed which children are more accepting of him and she can let you know who they are so your son can start to try and know them a bit better.

d) Have you heard of a book called 'The Unwritten Rules of Friendship"? I'm for ever promoting it on here. It lists about 9 different types or flavours of children. My son is a Different Drummer and I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I read that book, discovered my son within it's pages and got some practical help out of it for him! I've just lent my copy to his teacher!

e) There'a another book called How to be a friend. It looks a bit babyish but please don't let that put you off. Read it with him, just the two of you, quietly. It does help.

Don't worry - there are literally loads and loads of threads on MN posted by Mums like me and you who have this same problem with their lovely children. It's not uncommon. I've thought for a while now, if we could gather all these children up and put them in school together - they'd ALL have loads of friends

[Doodlez]

PS - I think that's the longest post I've ever written

[Tryharder]

I would make an appointment to see his teacher and discuss with her what is going on. She will have insight into the classroom politics that you do not.

[coppertop]

QofV - Don't go blaming yourself.

Tbh the only reason I persuaded my own ds to join his clubs in the first place is because they had been suggested to me as a way of helping with his motor skills and co-ordination difficulties. I only discovered the other benefits by accident.

[Cherys]

I agree you need to stay in communication with teachers about this, and also maybe the lunchtime staff - at our school they are the best people to keep an eye on what goes on in the playground.

It's not too late to get him involved with clubs, especially ones which mix kids from different ages groups and schools, so the bullying is diluted. Maybe cubs. they can be expensive but one of the best clubs for shy kids is drama as they all get involved and there's such a massive focus on groups working together without the emphasis on winning or losing that sports clubs have. Especially if you have a word with the people who run it first and say what his concerns are.

One of my kids is a bit of a loner too but seems fairly happy with it, and I think because he doesn't care, he's not as isolated as he might be if it mattered more to him.

Bullying is vile. Any school doing its job properly will stamp it out, and if he can name names those kids could be worked with to make them realise how they are affecting him.

[QueenofVenus]

Thanku so so much everyone for all this help! Im sorry i didnt get chance to get back on here until now, the weekend was quite abit more manic then i expected!! Im going to get in touch with some clubs this week for him to join, he's already stated his utter objection to this, but im doing it anyway, he cant possibly know if he likes or dislikes it until he's tried! I also am arranging to have a good long chat with his teacher and the school head. I wont get ahead of myself, but im hoping all this wil be sorted, and he will be feeling MUCH better about himself really soon! I agree bullying IS vile, i think kids that do it need to be told/shown ASAP how very very awful it is! Id be so very angry/upset if i ever found out my kids were bullying!! Thanks again all of you for the help and advice, im feeling alot more optimistic about it all xxx

[CMOTdibbler]

If he likes clear rules, is imaginative, and non sporty, then see if he likes Warhammer. Your local Games Workshop shop will have taster sessions and then weekend/holiday games he can go to, and it can really suit boys who like detail and rules.

[GooseyLoosey]

This was happening to some degree with ds (6). Kids would get up when he sat down next to them, never gets invited around anywhere etc.

I had raised my concerns with the school for over a year and nothing happened. In the end I wrote a long letter to the school itemising my concerns and setting out the incidents which had led me to be concerned. I said that the school environment was making my son unhappy and I hoped we could come up with some solutions which would help.

This was only about 2 months ago and the change has been beyond my wildest hopes. The head has had all the boys in ds's class in every other week to talk about the group dynamics in the class (they just didn't work and it turned out that ds was not the only one made unhappy by this). His class teacher has stopped publicly reprimanding ds for being over enthusiastic and instead, he has his own private star chart. When the boys play football at break, the class teacher picks the teams so that the boys who were being left out are no longer left out and the ones who bossed everyone about no longer get to do that.

I realise that these are solutions aimed at younger children, but the point I am trying to make is that part of the problem for ds was that the group dynamic in his class was working against him. The school intervened to change it and hey presto!

Not to say that everything has been solved now, but it is so much better. You need to get the school involved and try and work out why your ds is the one that is being left out.