I know this is awful...

[OMGHowAwfulAmI]

I have name changed because I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself!

I have had problems with my ds on and off since he was around 4 but things got really bad when he was 5 1/2. Now he is 11 and things can be out of control between us, i don't mean violence I mean verbally.

Anyway today I was talking to someone about a VERY big thing happened which affected us both.

Basically my dad was taken ill and after 3 months died.

BUT this is the part that I have now realised what a horrible person I am!

A week before my dad died, i collected him and took him home for the afternoon. DS was playing with my nephew who was then 3 and started tantruming over a pencil....Because dad had spent the best part of 3 months in hospital I had to pick ds up and go home....the following Saturday he died...I never got to spend another moment with him outside of hospital again.

I have realised today that I have been harbouring up the hurt i felt that day...

and yes I am unreasonable for having done this and I am horrible for letting it fester in me.....

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

when did this thing happen?
And I'm not sure exactly what you feel you should be ashamed about - have you told your DS that's how you feel?

[OMGHowAwfulAmI]

OurLady, no not yet.....I will tomorrow when i get some time with him alone.

Jajas....it has because...well I can't explain it really. To this day 6 years on i cry over my dad at the drop of a hat, and i know its meant to get easier with time..

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

So you think your grief and regret over your father may have contributed to the 'problems' with your DS?

[OMGHowAwfulAmI]

Ourlady, yes...but mainly because the last chance i had to spend a whole day with him outside of the hospital ds played up and i had to cut the visit short iyswim?

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

And are you still angry about it?
I suspect, if you truly looked in to your feelings, you'd realize you're actually angry with yourself for not handling the situation differently - but you weren't to know the future.
I'm sure, at the time, you reacted in the way you felt was best.

[OMGHowAwfulAmI]

Ourlady, possibly but whilst talking today, it hit me that that is when ds and I became different to eachother....i know my dads death really took it out of us both, he was the only male role model ds had had for 5 years.

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

You're not awful or horrible - you've had a sudden 'lightbulb moment' and an explanation as to why things haven't been the way you'd like between you and your DS.
Just make the most of those feelings and revel in your love for your son - the best way to honour your dad's memory.
Think of this as the beginning of the rest of your lives.

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

Sorry I have to go to bed now. Reading your other thread, I'd agree it wouldn't be a good idea to bring this up with DS, other than to explain you haven't been the mum you'd like to have been since losing your dad (although I'm sure he'd disagree).