what to do when both parents have different ideas about parenting?

[cheesesarnie]

is it still all about compromise even if its things like for example-dh will come in after I've been dealing with ds1 and ds2 tantrums all day and just say 'oh for gods sake' and give them whatever it is 'to shut them up' when all day I've been saying no and explaining why.
our family support worker has just been and I'm finding it really hard trying to explain to her that yes I'm trying her ideas to deal with behaviours but its not easy if I'm doing my best but then dh comes in and within 10 minutes undoes all my hard work!
I've spoken to him about it but it doesn't make a difference.

[AMumInScotland]

The example you give isn't "compromise" it's "undermining"! You need to back each other up on that type of thing - if the children get mixed messages then it won't be easy to change their behaviour.

The compromise part comes when you and DH discuss what needs to be done, what you will put up with and what will be dealt with - that's the stage at which you both need to talk about what your views on parenting are, and how you can combine them to raise the children.

Once you've both agreed that X behaviour needs to be dealt with firmly, then you have to back each other up.

[hettie]

have you thought about asking your family support officer about this- she may ahve some tactics, or what about couples counselling say Relate?

[piscesmoon]

I agree-that isn't compromise and is very confusing for the DC who will play one off against the other. You haven't a hope if they know daddy will let them do what they like for peace and quiet. Sit down with him and point out that if he wants peace and quiet it takes hard work! Compromise together-write it down and stick to it.Rule 1 is a united front-if either disagrees discuss it privately afterwards.

[shootfromthehip]

This used to happen all the time with DH and I. I can honestly say that I actually threatened to leave him over it because he undermined me all the time. I decided to be a SAHM and therefore I feel like I had to have the last word when it came to decisions/ discipline but then this big bloke would come in not knowing what the context was and have the power to veto my choices.

It drove me nuts and really put a wedge between us. I think it's laziness or arrogance that causes it because they are not prepared to listen to the whinging/ crying etc.

I'm not saying I get everything right but I do have a degree in child psychology/ PGCE in teaching and have read every child development book known to man. Added to this I as the one who gave up my career to stay at home and deal with all the issues (and I have the power of MN if I'm not sure ).

Anyway, when I got pregnant with DC 2 I put y foot down and told him that I was going to do it my way and if he didn't like it he had to accept my decision at the time and then talk to me afterwards. He reluctantly accepted.

DS has been an easier and more charming child who has clear and consistant boundaries that DD didn't have. It is better to have the consistancy than them knowing they can play one of you off the other.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but I think you have to agree to talk about parenting either before or after the kids do something NOT when they are doing it as it makes you look a fool. (Sorry for the rantiness of this message but you've touched a nerve with me here). Otherwise it's not fair to you or the kids and this is the angle I'd be taking with your DH.

[shootfromthehip]

Good luck by the way

[cheesesarnie]

shootfromthehip-that is very helpful.and exactly how i feel!

i know its not comprimise but thought if i said 'dh undermines me' id get people saying 'its all about compramising'.

hes not up for a discussion,he turns it round and says 'you lose it sometimes' which yes i do sometimes,just not within ten minutes of seing them after being away working for 3 days!im not perfect,i do get it wrong and he loves to point that out.

relate sounds like a good suggestion for many reason-not just this.but i dont quite 'get' relate.where,when and how?does it work.do you pay?