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Help me decide on a suitable punishment please...

(48 Posts)
RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:07:32

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allaboutme Fri 21-Aug-09 20:14:58

Have you other children? Just wondering if one could have 'framed' her (happened in my house when I was young!)
If not, then I'd take something really precious of hers perhaps? and not give it back until she admits what she did and why and why she lied.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:20:11

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allaboutme Fri 21-Aug-09 20:24:41

anything she really loves? groups she goes to or friends she always sees? ban doing dancing/sport/seeing a certain friend until she owns up and apologises?

MIAonline Fri 21-Aug-09 20:25:01

The only advice I can give is not to link it to her birthday. I am wary of punishments linked to Birthdays. This happened to my sister and she always remembers the birthday for the wrong reasons. If it happened at another time of year, you wouldn't be able to link it to that, so think of something you would be able to do if she was to do it again.

I agree with you that it is the lying that is the worst 'crime'

I wouldn't leave it as a verbal telling off, if you are changing what you threatened her with, then it needs to be something tangible. I would be tempted to take something away from her that she uses or loves in response to her taking from you, so the 'punishment' fits the crime iyswim!

Uriel Fri 21-Aug-09 20:28:22

I'd ban the sleepovers, but then I hate the things.

Lol at limited addiction! grin

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:28:28

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ScarlettCrossbones Fri 21-Aug-09 20:29:15

Are you sure they couldn't just have been accidentally scooped up with a load of other stuff and put into that box?

You say you're keen to stamp out lying – has she done it before, then? From what you've said, I'm kinda inclined to believe her. She sounded really upset when you confronted her – could it have been genuine? If she really had taken them, with malice aforethought hmm grin, would she not have put them back by now, after weeks of you mentioning it?

Just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt!

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:29:36

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TheDailyMailHatesWomenAndLemon Fri 21-Aug-09 20:31:41

I think you should start off with the grounding you told her she'd get, but maybe for a shorter period of time (or give her the chance to earn time off for good behaviour).

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:32:22

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thisisyesterday Fri 21-Aug-09 20:33:45

i wouldn';t take something of hers.
you can't teach a child not to take things by taking stuff!
just as you can't teach them not to hit by smacking.

what i would do is sit down with her and have a very long chat about why she did it.
don't accuse her, don't say she lied, just ask her straight out why she did it, and why she didn't tell you where they were

i suspect because she was scared. and that's not something you want.
this is the problem with punishments. some children just lie more and more to escape them, it doesnt; teach them not to do things, it just teaches them to try and get out of being blamed/punished.

i would let her know that you're very disappointed in her and upset that you can't trust her not to take things, or perhaps not to ask if she could borrow them.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 21-Aug-09 20:33:57

I too would be very annoyed about the lying. DD did something similar about easter eggs and swore blind and cried for a day that she hadn't eaten them.

I did my stern face and gripped her arms, looked deep into her eyes and gave her one last chance to tell me the truth. It worked and she told me the truth.

I stop pocket money for lies, send to room, take phone and DS from her for a small period of time and tell her off for ages. I don't mind accidents/processing anger/tantrums but persistent lying is not allowed to happen.

And you should say she is not allowed in your bedroom. I don't let dd go into mine.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:34:10

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RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:38:39

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BitOfFun Fri 21-Aug-09 20:41:36

Go for guilt. Best weapon in a mother's arsenal. You have a long talk, and are disappointed in her.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:43:53

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TheDailyMailHatesWomenAndLemon Fri 21-Aug-09 20:46:39

Then (if she didn't do it) it must have been one of her friends, so you don't want any of them in your house or her going to any of their houses (bad influence) until you get to the bottom of who it was.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 21-Aug-09 20:47:26

Er... that point where she whines she hasn't done anything is when I yell loudly and tell her that her nose is growing and then I send her to her room and tell her she's not allowed out until she apoligies for taking them and lying about it.

I mean ffs, no one else took them.

thisisyesterday Fri 21-Aug-09 20:47:49

i woldn't even discuss the lying any more, you're going round in circles.
just say to her, look dd, i think we both know how the tweezers got there, so let's not be silly about it any mnore,

then tell her you're disappointed that she didn't ask to take them etc etc

but do have a good non-accusatory chat with her, she's getting to an age where she ought to be able to be treated a little more adultly, but clearly that's not going to happen while she can't be trusted not to take things and to lie etc

i think i would emphasise how much i love her, and that i just feel upset that this has happened, and that I want to treat her as a grown-up but that's hard if i can't trust her

and see what she says, give her space to talk. maybe she can come up with some house rules regardingother people's things, and what to do if things like this happen again (ie, how does she think you ought to deal with it if your stuff goes missing and turns up in her room?)

LaurieFairyCake Fri 21-Aug-09 20:47:53


RumourOfAHurricane Fri 21-Aug-09 20:49:59

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SycamoretreeIsFullOfResolve Fri 21-Aug-09 20:52:25

Shiney - agree with BOF but would couple it with a specific grounding relating to the friend she has been playing these specific games with. (WTF with the obsession with sharp household objects). I think the message to her will be that she can't be trusted with your stuff whilst this friend is around, so therefore she can't see this friend for a week or something.

Can I ask what else was in that box on top of the cupboard btw? I'm hoping it provides some hint to why she's nicking your stuff in the first place (the potion and necklace I get, the kitchen knife and tweezers, not so much grin).

Can you find a way to show her for e.g how much money your facial oil costs. Make her forego certain treats until the money is made up, or indeed pay you back for it? <sorry, you may have already dealt with that one>

Fucking kids, eh? wink

BitOfFun Fri 21-Aug-09 20:53:10

I think you just have to insist that you know she is telling a lie then, re-inforce that you are disappointed and expect better from her, and then let it go. Or say that you can only conclude it had something to do with her friend being round and ban friends over for a while? Then she might get the message that she perhaps should have owned up?

The trouble with older kids is that they get canny, and learn to lie to avoid getting into trouble. In a way, coming down too hard will reinforce that she has to get better at lying to avoid your wrath.

It is a tough one though. Perhaps get her to pay for an expensive course of electrolysis for your ladybeard with her pocket money and tell her to keep the tweezers? wink

MIAonline Fri 21-Aug-09 20:53:31

thisisyesterday, doesn't there come a point when chatting isn't enough. They understand and still do it? I can see as part of Up, it would be a strategy, but what if the talking isn't working? Do you follow UP?

She was given a clear get out when shineon said she just wanted to know the truth and nothing would happen.

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