This is a bit complicated.
I have a DS (aged 4).
He's a difficult child. He seems to have been very angry since he was two years old. We have found this incredibly stressful and upsetting. It's been like living with someone who will blow up at any moment.
He rages at the slightest thing e.g. asking him to put his shoes on, engineers opportunities to rage e.g. telling me he's finished eating his meal and then kicking off when he's watched me clear the plates and put his leftover food in the bin and is generally objectionable and contrary. My parents are often as flummoxed as I am at this behaviour as is my DH.
This behaviour is reserved for when we're at home (never at nursery) and is especially bad when we're on holiday as a family.
My approach to his rage is to put him in his room, give him very short shrift and no attention and therefore no oxygen to his anger. He can rage from anything from about twenty minutes to two hours. He will only be calmed by another person if the other person will give him what he wants. I leave him to exhaust himself.
My DH on the other hand, seems to think the best approach is talk to him (I've tried reasoning - it doesn't work), calm him down and ultimately, I've observed, give DS what he wants.
DS believes that he can get what he wants by yelling his head off when DH is around. It works. DH will then occasionally snap and go ballistic with DS. DS is genuinely confused when this happens. His tantrum worked before and suddenly his dad is furious with him about it.
I spend all week with DS apart from three nursery sessions a week. I get very stressed and upset with the way he behaves but I try to contain it by putting him in his room and ignoring it. His behaviour can get truly vile but it's reduced in frequency and intensity during the week when it is just me around. I then see DH at the weekends and on holiday continually undermining what I know works by alllowing DS to get what he wants in response. Then DS will come to me and ask for a hug because he's calm, got what he wanted anyway and obviously wants to make peace with me.
This inconsistency enables DS to play DH and me off against each other. Whenever I say no to DS e.g. another lollipop, he simply goes and asks his dad who gives him exactly what he wants.
As a result, DH and I do not work as a team. DS is running rings around us, is an amazingly badly behaved child and it makes me want to leave DH. I have explained to him my position and why I think it is important that we are consistent. He says all the right things but when it comes to the crunch, nothing changes.
The stress is too big. I am six months pg and do not want to carry on like this. I feel like we're making DS into a monster by not being consistent and a strong unit that has firm, regular boundaries for him to observe.
Please, what can I do? I feel so upset, worried and miserable.
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24 replies
WinkyWinkola · 09/08/2009 17:59
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