Meeting my boyfriends daughter for the first time

[shesadiamond]

My boyfriend is moving in and as his daughter currently visits him at the weekend, obviously I have to meet her! I have been looking forward to this and want to make sure I do everything I can to make her feel welcome and at home. Obviously, her Mum is anxious as shes very protective at the best of times, and I'd also like her to know i'll do my best and to try and reassure her. My boyfriend is trying to do the best thing for everyone, his daughter most, and although we have been together for 12 months, he wanted to make sure we were stable and also for his ex to realise how serious we are, before he introduced his daughter to me. I am happy to go along with whats best for everyone, but just wanted some advice about how to do this in the right way, from a mums perspective. Daughter is 7. Advice very much appreciated

[paranoidmother]

I think the fact that you want to try hard for them both is a start.
I would say that allow her to sit next to him and hog him for the time she is around.

Perhaps find out what she likes to eat and make a nice meal for you all. Find out about her, whether she has any pets etc, make sure she knows what to call you, perhaps ask her about mummy.
Is there something fun that you could all do together?
Is she going to have her own room at your place? or own space? Perhaps show her this and ask her to do some pictures to put in the room .

Good luck it'll be fine

[shesadiamond]

Thanks, I really hope so. I have friends who have problems with ex's and ex's new partners etc and I don't want any of that, I just want her to feel welcome and to be happy. I also want her Mum to be happy about the situation. They have been split up for 5 years now and have remained mostly amicable for the sake of their daughter, and this is the first time he has introduced someone else into her life. I am aware its a big deal for him too. I'm also scared that i'll do something wrong and he'll have regrets. I want her to enjoy coming and to like me, but I'm so scared that the same things will happen as with my friends, the ex getting jealous and turning the children again them etc. I realise I have no say in anything really, but i want them to all be happy. I'm used to having girls around of this age and we can have play mates round if she wants to which might help.

[misshardbroom]

I don't have any first hand experience of this, so apologies if this sounds really stupid.

However, I have a close friend who has two step children who were 3 and 6 when she first met them.

She actually met up with their mum for a coffee to talk about the children and get to know each other a bit. More than anything, this was for the mum's benefit (it was the mum who initiated it), because she felt that if my friend was going to have any involvement in the care of her children, she wanted to know her personally and have the opportunity to talk about any potential issues and convey what her values were.

I remember at the time thinking it was a bit surprising, but the children concerned are now 10 & 13 and everyone has maintained a good relationship so far, so it seems to have paid off.

Obviously this might not work for everyone depending on the circumstances, but it might be worth considering whether you could chat to the ex on the phone beforehand so she knows you're a nice, normal person trying to do your best for her little girl.

[shesadiamond]

yes, i agree that sounds like a good idea, i was thinking of suggesting she comes over and at least she can come in to the house and see where her daughter will be. I am not sure its my place to suggest this, as she might think i'm taking over in some way, but maybe i could suggest it to my boyf and see what he thinks? At the moment, he just wants as little stress as possible as he doesn't want his daughter to be aware of any pressure or tension. Of course I want to do my very best and think it would be good to talk to her mum. I'd like to think she feels the same, although I'm sure there is some resentment on her part at the moment, which may not help. My friend has a daughter the same age, and she says she would hate to think her daughter was being cared for by someone else who she didnt really know etc. My main concern is his daughter though, I just want her to feel at home and to be happy.