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I was just so horrible to my children

(13 Posts)
howcanicontrolthis Tue 21-Jul-09 17:00:12

I left an awful relationship over a year ago. My husband was just so abusive - his specialty was to just shout uninterrupted abuse at me for hours on end.

The children and I have started new lives and we're happy, we are I am not just saying that. Well, I am a little stressed at times, but I'm optimistic about our futures now.

My chidren just mixed flour, egg, butter, sugar coconut and blue food colouring while I was in the garden reading. then they put it in the oven but it spilled everywhere. The oven is covered in blue muck which I can't properly scoop out fo the cracks. the blue has stained the floor boards, and a couple of towels. 6 eggs are broken and runny egg is all over the floor. there's blue and dessicated cocunut in the butter and flour all over the floor.

Anyway, I came inside and I just yelled and yelled at them - like a tirade of abuse which went on for about 15 minutes. I didn't let up. I screeched at them about the filth and the muck and how disgusted I was with them and how disappointed I was with them and how I despaired at them and how they were too old to behave like this. I just went on and on and on, like a bully. they were hugging eachother aand sobbing and saying sorry mummy, sorry mummy. my little one asked for a hug while i was yelling at her.

It's calmed down now. Kids are quietly watching a dvd, I have told them I am sorry and that I was "over the top angry" and if they're sorry for the mess I'm really sorry for being so angry. I know I'm crap. I know I risk damaging their fragile little self-esteems. I know they are 7 and 4 and that children make messes.

I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, but I never would have yelled a tirade of criticism at anybody for any reason prior to wasting ten years of my life with a man who treated me like a dog. I want more for our futures though. sorry. this is a confessional really. I don't deserve my children. I feel so disgusted with myself. I keep telling them I'm so sorry and I do love them. I've told them I have to learn to be a better mummy. My xh used to tell me he was sorry too when he'd finished ranting at me for hours on end. I feel like I'm turning into the thing I hate the most. A bully.

BettyTurnip Tue 21-Jul-09 17:05:23

Deep breath. It was a one off. I have blown my top at my dc and regretted it immensely but it can't be undone. You have apologised and they will be fine. Please don't beat yourself up, it sounds like you have been through shite, do not make yourself feel any worse.

ludog Tue 21-Jul-09 17:06:52

Learn from how you feel right now and resolve not to do it again. I have said things to my dds that I regretted as soon as I had said them. We are all human and make mistakes, I would worry if it was a long term pattern of behaviour with you, but from what you have said, it isn't. You probably feel 10 times worse than your dcs do if that's any consolation to you. I hope you are okay.xx

suwoo Tue 21-Jul-09 17:08:03

I would have done exactly the same TBH, having walked in to that mess.

Wine or chocolate is the answer in the short term grin

OrmIrian Tue 21-Jul-09 17:08:17

sad

Poor DCs and poor poor you. I have done this. Honestly, quite as bad. It comes from weeks and months of stress and frustration and tiredness. And something is the very last staw. And, yes, I felt like a bully too.

You've said sorry and meant it. Your intention is never to do it again. Do you think your ex ever did that? Do you ever think he was sorry and realised he was wrong? Therein lies the difference.

Pepa Tue 21-Jul-09 17:13:22

Maybe use the opportunity of todays to take time to talk with your children about anger. How they feel when they are angry , how you feel when you are angry, how it makes other people feel and how you can all help each other calm down. Anger is a normal emotion that we all need to feel sometimes but you have all been exposed to abnormal anger from your ex it is bound to shape your perceptions about it. By taking time to talk about it and "normalize" it, maybe it will become easier for all of you to manage.....

We all have mad mummy moments, times when we think we have destroyed something in our relationship with our children but its the way you deal with it after the outburst that really makes the difference and gives your children the example of how they can handle their own anger, becuase we all have to learn to deal with this at some point.

Geepers Tue 21-Jul-09 17:13:47

Aww, your post brought tears to my eyes. You have apologised and that is what matters. You also appreciate what you did wasn't a rational reaction. But I know that I for one have behaved similarly to you so please don't beat yourself up. Hug your kids and move on, they will forgive you, so forgive yourself. Hope you are feeling better.

howcanicontrolthis Tue 21-Jul-09 17:14:11

My dd says that if I read her an extra horrid henry story then she will forgive me for being over the top angry. she's always been a good negotiator. my son who is 7 won't let me give him a hug to say sorry. he's batted me away when I try to give him a cuddle.

My x only ever said sorry to smooth things over. He always thought I was incompetent or that I'd fucked up or whatever. But that's behind me, or it is if I can behave like a decent human being.

I have to try and learn parenting skills. Most of the time my children are so great, but occassionally when they're really naughty I just don't know how to cope.

Next time they cover the entire kitchen in goo, I will have a cup of tea before I even try to clear it up I think... count to ten. All that stuff. Nobody died, they're safe. why did I get so cross over a few eggs? I am insane.

doggiesayswoof Tue 21-Jul-09 17:15:04

Hope you are ok OP.

What ludog said - you will be on the look out for this happening again, and you can take a step back next time, just leave the room, walk away until you have calmed down. It doesn't need to be a pattern of behaviour. You can make the choice. You are a strong person to have left your H - you are not like him, you are NOT a bully.

My mum used to abuse me verbally (and sometimes physically) and she never apologised, not once. That is hard to deal with. She still hasn't said sorry. OTOH your DC will learn that adults can get angry and make mistakes and say sorry. They will know that they are loved and they will forgive you.

howcanicontrolthis Tue 21-Jul-09 17:17:21

Pepa that is what I fear. that by being exposed to abnormal anger I've lost my old 'normal' anger. I'm going to have to be super aware of this. I'm glad I'm not the only one to lose it though. It helps knowing.

doggiesayswoof Tue 21-Jul-09 17:19:36

God I lost it with DD last night (for nothing really, she was just overtired and playing up)

She was trying to hug me and I was still shouting.

You are definitely not the only one.

I said sorry. I do feel crap about it but it's happened, we made up, she is ok.

Pepa Tue 21-Jul-09 17:28:13

You havn't lost the old you, she's just had to live through some really crap years.....

Honestly keep talking to your kids, my son is 4 is I talk to him after I loose it - all in age appropriate language of course.

Pepa: "Do you remember when mummy was shouting at you today, I was really angry wasn't I?
DS: "Yes...you scared me"
Pepa: I am very sorry for scaring you, you are the most important thing in my life, but sometimes I get very frustrated and I shout - do you feel like that sometimes...
DS: "Yes - when E takes my XXX"
Pepa: and what do you do
DS: I shout and chase her
Pepa: And do you feel better when you do that?
....
....
Conversation basically goes on to talk about how we all get angry and it isn;t good and how we can control our own anger by recognzing the signs....

Often in a CRAZY moment I will say to DS....Mummy is VERY VERY frustrated right now and I really REALLY want to shout so I am going to sit on the deck for a few moments becuase I just cannot talk to you right now....DS knows becuase of our chats that this is serious and then when I have regained (some) self control I will come back to deal with the chaos.

shouldbeironing Tue 21-Jul-09 17:54:28

It's done now. I am sure you will do better next time.

As an aside - it is almost certain that if you leave a 4 and 7 year old alone for too long there will be some sort of mischief and maybe you have already done this but if not perhaps you need to have words about using the oven because if they dont know the dangers of the oven, things could have been worse.

I left my DC alone for a bit and came upstairs to find them playing a cleaning game with all the bathroom cleaning products - they had even managed to open a bottle of bleach shock They were spraying stuff on each other's faces and all.

They still remember how angry I was but they understand that it was dangerous and we have all learned from it too.

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