I left an awful relationship over a year ago. My husband was just so abusive - his specialty was to just shout uninterrupted abuse at me for hours on end.
The children and I have started new lives and we're happy, we are I am not just saying that. Well, I am a little stressed at times, but I'm optimistic about our futures now.
My chidren just mixed flour, egg, butter, sugar coconut and blue food colouring while I was in the garden reading. then they put it in the oven but it spilled everywhere. The oven is covered in blue muck which I can't properly scoop out fo the cracks. the blue has stained the floor boards, and a couple of towels. 6 eggs are broken and runny egg is all over the floor. there's blue and dessicated cocunut in the butter and flour all over the floor.
Anyway, I came inside and I just yelled and yelled at them - like a tirade of abuse which went on for about 15 minutes. I didn't let up. I screeched at them about the filth and the muck and how disgusted I was with them and how disappointed I was with them and how I despaired at them and how they were too old to behave like this. I just went on and on and on, like a bully. they were hugging eachother aand sobbing and saying sorry mummy, sorry mummy. my little one asked for a hug while i was yelling at her.
It's calmed down now. Kids are quietly watching a dvd, I have told them I am sorry and that I was "over the top angry" and if they're sorry for the mess I'm really sorry for being so angry. I know I'm crap. I know I risk damaging their fragile little self-esteems. I know they are 7 and 4 and that children make messes.
I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, but I never would have yelled a tirade of criticism at anybody for any reason prior to wasting ten years of my life with a man who treated me like a dog. I want more for our futures though. sorry. this is a confessional really. I don't deserve my children. I feel so disgusted with myself. I keep telling them I'm so sorry and I do love them. I've told them I have to learn to be a better mummy. My xh used to tell me he was sorry too when he'd finished ranting at me for hours on end. I feel like I'm turning into the thing I hate the most. A bully.
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I was just so horrible to my children
12 replies
howcanicontrolthis · 21/07/2009 17:00
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