My 5 yr old DS is my ray of sunshine but there is one aspect of his behaviour that drives me to distraction and I don't know how to reason with him.

[Mintyy]

Its pretty difficult because it involves slightly abstract concepts that an adult could fully understand but DS has difficulty with. However, I feel ground down by the issue and I need to try and do something about it.

Basically, every time he goes out in our garden and the neighbours two boys are playing out too, he either asks me if they can come and play in our garden, or if he can go and play in theirs.

Although I don't dislike the two boys next door, I feel our privacy is constantly invaded by them being in our garden (they can climb over the fence).

If I say to him "look, ds, you can go in the garden but I don't want you playing with the boys next door today" he basically disobeys me. He never does this about anything else!

I wish I could be more laid back about it. He doesn't really understand the concept of me not minding him playing with them sometimes but not wanting them to come over here every time.

Help! please.

[gagarin]

So the aspect of his behaviour you don't like is that he doesn't want to play alone in the garden? What 5 year old would?

If it is a big problem for you to have these other kids around I would make sure you take him out to the park and you can play football or something like that with him there? Take him swimming too? Things you and he can do together.

Then you can keep him indoors at home?

At 5 he won't understand that you don't like other dcs in your garden.

[stroppyknickers]

Actually, I think you should just try to explain it to him - sometimes mummy just wants to be in charge of you. My dcs have got the idea after some explanations (if my house is tidy; if I only have enough juice/whatever for them/packed lunches. Otherwise you are just avoiding the issue and taking him out every time the other kids are playing out!

[Mintyy]

Oh thanks for replying to my very long waffly post.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, "At 5 he won't understand that you don't like other dcs in your garden".

So, I'm trying to find a way to get him to see it from my pov. I know its difficult .

[spicemonster]

Why don't you let him go over there some of the time then? Then you get some peace and quiet

[Mintyy]

Thank you also stroppy. Cross posted.

[gagarin]

But he's 5.

IMO it's expecting him to be able to understand above his emotional developmental level.

because even if you do explain it clearly - and he understands while you are having the conversation - when he's alone in the garden with no-one to play with the excitement of seeing the neighbours dcs will mean he instantly forgets you said he should play alone!

[stroppyknickers]

[SMILE]

[ilove]

Drives me mad too. I've had to be really firm and consistent...eg at the school gates they ALWAYS ask in front of the other child and its parent "can so-and-so come to tea tonight".

I simply smile, say "not tonight we are busy, another time" and leave it at that. They are learning that EVERY time they do this I WILL say no. I arrange playdates at my convenience, not the childs!

Equally, the playing in/out thing, I decide before they go out whether I want a houseful or not, and simply say (if I don't) "no one is coming in today, don't ask. If you ask, you will not play out anymore today".

It is sinking in and my younger ones are 10, 7 and 6.

[ilove]

Drives me mad too. I've had to be really firm and consistent...eg at the school gates they ALWAYS ask in front of the other child and its parent "can so-and-so come to tea tonight".

I simply smile, say "not tonight we are busy, another time" and leave it at that. They are learning that EVERY time they do this I WILL say no. I arrange playdates at my convenience, not the childs!

Equally, the playing in/out thing, I decide before they go out whether I want a houseful or not, and simply say (if I don't) "no one is coming in today, don't ask. If you ask, you will not play out anymore today".

It is sinking in and my younger ones are 10, 7 and 6.

[gagarin]

ilove has good ideas....and her dcs are older so can begin to understand what she's getting at.

[Mintyy]

And you too Spice. Trouble is sometimes we'd like him to ourselves (me, DH and 8 yo DD), to have games and fun and maybe a picnic or a potter about in our own garden.

[dingledangle]

My DD does similar things to me and it does become very tiring after a while.

I think you have to answer, diplomatically, and honestly.

My DD goes out in to the garden and if our neighbours children are playing on their trampoline she will call out and call out and ask to go over (after just one visit last Summer). She will also ask when she is going to a particular childs house and asks their mum (not the child or me!). So I think what your Ds is doing is 'appropriate' behaviour. It is you who has to teach him that it is not always possible to have what you want and when....

I do sympathise however as it can become very draining.

How about trying 'no' Sometimes with my DD I try all sorts of explanations and sometimes no does suffice!

[maltesers]

He is not going to understand how you think at 5yrs. Infact my ds is 8 and he still would not understand why i wouldnt want other kids over the fence all the time. Really , i think their mother should try to limit there time over in your garden. She should use her tact and not let them come over your fence so much. If she doesnt limit time over in your garden, then you must. good luck !!

[flashharriet]

My friend had this and you have to be incredibly direct (blunt almost), especially to the neighbour's children. They won't take offence and it really will save your blood pressure and stop you tying yourself in knots. "No, not today" is all you need to say, honestly.

[ilove]

Oh I am very blunt with other peoples brats children. They now all know NOT to ring our bell before 10am on ANY day of the week, because all they will get is me looking VERY cross (lol). Equally, mine know not to ask to go and call for anyone before 10 as well because the answer will be no.

Children need to learn that your house is not an extension of theirs, and sometimes other parents simply don't teach them that respect.

[ellingwoman]

I tried something similar to this -

Explain to ds that the garden is 'our garden'. That is, it's mum's, dad's, dd's and sometimes we want it to ourselves. Sometimes we like it to be quiet if we've been busy or something. At other times it can be 'ds's garden' when, if he's out there on his own, he can choose whether to play on his own or have friends over. He needs to check with you first if at that moment it is 'his' or 'yours'. To start I would be lenient and when he asks, say, 'yes it's your garden at the moment' a few times. Then get more picky. If you really don't want them over say 'it's our garden and I'd like it to be a bit quiet if that's alright'. then later on you could say 'it's your garden now' and he can have them over. As I say, to start with give in a few times so he can see it working!

It may work!

[spicemonster]

Ah right - didn't realise you had other children! That's an entirely different issue. Mine would be more than happy to run off next door as he's only got boring old me to play with. Having said that, I fear I have much more serious problems on my hands. My DS's heartfelt sobbing at being denied a 3rd biscuit today resulted in the old lady next door peeking over the wall to say she'd get him some sweeties, disappearing off and then returning with a huge bar of Dairy Milk. Now she wants him to go to her house where I'm sure he'll get stuffed with all manner of chocolately nonsense ...

Bloody neighbours