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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

I don't know what to do. Incident last night.

27 replies

inscotland · 23/05/2009 08:58

I am totally 100% against smacking. I was beaten as a child so I can get very vocal on the subject.

Anyway, DS wouldn't settle last night and I know he has teething problems so I nipped down to get some nurofen for him. When in the kitchen I heard a slap. I fired up the stairs and by this point DS was crying. I asked my husband what happened and he said he gave him a little tap. I was like WTF if I heard that down stairs it wasn't a tap it was a slap. I was shaking I was so angry with him.

I took DS to calm him down and husband was now in a huff. I told him that if it was just a tap I wouldn't have heard it downstairs nor would DS be in the state he is in now and that I won't stand for any form of smacking in the house. Hubby promptly got up slammed the door shut and slept in the spare room.

Husband obviously thinks this is ok but there is no way I will stand for it. We've never disagreed on anything like this in the 9 years we've known each other. What can I say to him? He got up and gave DS his breakfast so I could lie in. He's now gone back to bed for an hour.

OP posts:

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SlartyBartFast · 23/05/2009 09:00

i presume your ds is quite young?

inscotland · 23/05/2009 09:04

yes. 11 months. I am embarrassed to write that down.

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slummymummy36 · 23/05/2009 09:05

Where as I can see your point on the slapping issue. I think you made a HUGE mistake confronting your OH infront of your DS.
You should always try a united front. Yes your son was upset. You could have dealt with that then sat down and had a chat with your OH.
But - hey dont beat yourself up about it. We all do things in the heat of the moment. Your OH lashed out - in the heat of the moment and you reacted like you did infront of your son in the heat of the moment.

You need to sit down and chat to OH about how upset you feel at what he did and how you both wish to discipline and parent in the future. But I also think you need to apologise to your OH for how you reacted to his parenting infront of DS.

Most couples have a conflict of parenting at some point. After all we were all brought up differently ourselves. But if you continue to show up your differences in opinion infront of the children - the children have a ball playing mum off against dad and vice versa!! It only takes 1 or 2 incidents and the kids are onto the game!!

slummymummy36 · 23/05/2009 09:06

OMG 11 months!!!

Geez - sorry I was imaining a 6 or 7 yo!!

Hmmm - can see why you were SO angry now!!

JackBauerKillsPigs · 23/05/2009 09:07

I am assuming that your dh knows about your childhood? My DH doesn't see much wrong with a small smack but as I was beaten as a child we have agreed on a no smacking at all rule.
I think he really only understood after I explained how it had made me feel as a child (helpless, ignored, a lesser person, frightened, furious etc )

I would wait until you are both calm and DS is not around and explain why you feel so strongly about even a small 'tap'

inscotland · 23/05/2009 09:09

Thanks slummy. I know I made a huge mistake too but I was so shocked that he did it in the first place. That however, isn't an excuse. We have to talk later, I know that. I am just so upset over the whole thing.

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Songbird · 23/05/2009 09:09

Does he know you were beaten as a child? Was he smacked and thinks 'it didn't do me any harm'? As you normally agree on things I think you can probably sort it out. I don't know if you only have one child, but believe me, when your ds is a toddler the temptation to smack will be even greater! Sort it out now. I really feel for you - dh needs to grow up!

inscotland · 23/05/2009 09:10

Yes Jack he does know. He knows about all of my childhood which wasn't pleasant. That doesn't mean I will be a walk over for DS I am just determined to do things differently.

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Songbird · 23/05/2009 09:11

x-posts with everyone there! I'm distracted by Jakers!

stripeypineapple · 23/05/2009 09:11

You have to agree on this now, once and for all; whether you are smackers or not.

When you get then chance to speak to DH, with out DS hearing, you have to tell him how strongly you feel about not taking a physical approach to discipline and the reasons behind why.

Smacking doesn't work and is a very outdated and unpleasant way of dealing with your children. It's a case of do as I say not as I do and for you, is made even worse by childhood events.

Why would he feel the need to smack a baby yound enough to be teething?

inscotland · 23/05/2009 09:12

Thanks songbird. Yes, he is very much of the it didn't do me any harm lot.

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Songbird · 23/05/2009 09:12

In his mind, what he did is a world away from what you went through, so try not to be too hurt. But he needs to understand that you're worried it's the thin end of the wedge.

Really, this is a great Jakers! Rock and Roll!!

SlartyBartFast · 23/05/2009 09:13

presumabley your dh is feeling bad now.
we all make mistakes and your DH won't make this one again.

inscotland · 23/05/2009 09:14

I don't know stripey. I really don't.

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edam · 23/05/2009 09:16

even people who do think smacking is OK should understand that it is plain wrong to hit a baby. OR to hit a child for being ill and in pain.

If your husband doesn't realise that what he did is really wrong, can you get your HV to have a word? Have a look on the NSPCC website - I'm sure hitting a baby must be looked on very seriously indeed by SS for instance.

Or suggest parenting classes - have a look online for your nearest childrens' centre.

edam · 23/05/2009 09:18

You didn't make a mistake at all, btw, you acted entirely correctly. Your son is a baby and it was such a powerful blow you heard it downstairs.

I'm not suggesting your dh is a bad person or anything. One mistake is forgivable. But what he did was wrong and if he doesn't realise that, it's very serious indeed.

muffle · 23/05/2009 09:27

Yes I think you need to take up edam's points - there is the smacking issue in itself (on which I and most doctors, HVs and childcare experts will agree with you - it's a bad idea) but separately there is the fact that you don't hit and 11-month-old, whatever your views. That is just wrong because a baby can't understand cause and effect in that way and doesn't do undesirable things on purpose in the way that an older child might.

If your DH doesn't apologise in a heartfelt way and crawl and grovel and swear it won't happen again and mean it, I would be talking to the HV. NSPCC literature is a good idea too.

One further thought - I don't want to be over-dramatic if you have a good relationship but - could there be an element of you have put your foot down so firmly about this issue (and quite rightly IMO) that your DH is kind of "rebelling" by doing the one thing you won't stand for? I have issues from childhood and parts of my body where I don't like to be touched and I make that clear to partners. My DP now is wonderful but I had a boyfriend in the past who would do it deliberately - I couldn't understand why but I think he just couldn't handle being "controlled" in that way and had to defy it - which was horrendously immature of him, I'm not saying it was my fault but I do think there was a connection. You could ask your DH how he feels about your feelings on the matter and if deep down he thinks you are overreacting - he may do. Talking it through could help him to see what he's doing and really understand where you are coming from.

However I have to finish by saying that I would also make a condition that if he ever hit the baby again I (and baby) would be leaving. I couldn't live with it being something that could happen anytime they were together.

Dozymare · 23/05/2009 09:34

Smacking an 11mo is wrong. We all agree on that, and I would imagine your DH lashed out in frustration (which of course doesn't make it right).

You obviously haven't had the chat on how you will discipline children as your 11mo is obviously to young to need discipline.

Draw a line under this (as obviously a huge mistake and your DH realises that) but do have the chat ASAP as to how you and he will show a united front when it comes to discipline.

Personally, I find that time out works for my 2 nearly 3 year old, and taking away priveledges (sp!) works for my 5 nearly 6 year old. I think you adapt as the kids get older!

Good luck and please don't let it ruin your weekend - the sun is out after all

noddyholder · 23/05/2009 09:44

You need to talk.the baby is teething which is not exactly avoidable which shows that he thinks he can stop something which is irritating him by being aggressive.He prob feels terrible but does need to address it as there will be a lot more occasions when your ds keeps you up or cries incessantly and he needs other coping tools

stuffitlllama · 23/05/2009 09:50

Obviously you are in the right.

Is it a possibility that your dh thinks so to and is embarrassed and ashamed at his failure.

It is terrible to smack/slap a baby, everyone knows that. I think he must be so mortified and ashamed. I think Slarty is right and he won't do it again, he must have shocked himself.

If you think he is so different to this, that he thinks what he did is acceptable, then I don't know what I would do. But if you think he is a normal bloke who snapped then I would not give a lecture. I think you have said enough for the moment and would leave it and talk about it when you are both calmer.

stuffitlllama · 23/05/2009 09:55

I don't excuse "snapping" sorry, that sounds like I do. I really really don't think it's an acceptable excuse or reason. But to move on from it he, like a mum, needs confidence that he can do it right. If that confidence is seriously damaged then he is either more likely to do it again or will withdraw from difficult baby situations completely. I think you can help him manage more calmly in the future. If he is a normal dad he will not need any lectures, he'll be crucifying himself.

I have no experience of abuse so I know that people who've experienced it say that there is always this period of terrible remorse which does not necessarily mean it won't happen again. But I think he needs help from you (sadly).

smallone · 23/05/2009 10:12

Oh I really feel for you all, definitely a bit of diplomacy needed here. Agree with previous posters you need to work out if he just "snapped" or if he thought this would work. I think if you pile in with blame and talk of HVs and NSPCC you will only cause more problems at this stage. If he snapped then you need to talk about how he deals with his frustration in the future, ie walking away, shutting himself in a room where he can't hear etc.

If he thinks that hitting would stop your baby from crying, then the fact that it made him more upset should be proof enough that it doesn't work. Hopefully he will be open to your suggestions as to what to do instead. I'm sure in the cold light of day he feels the same as you, and a calm reaction from you will resolve the situation quickly.

smallone · 23/05/2009 10:25

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm making light of what he did, but I can't believe anyone would logically hit such a young child for crying whilst teething. I am assuming his own frustration got the better of him, so its this that needs to be dealt with. All parents make mistakes and as a unit you need to decide how to move on from this.

inscotland · 23/05/2009 11:08

We have a lot to talk about but will re-visit this post later. Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I don't think I'll be calling SS or the NSPCC but we do have to talk.

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luvoneson · 23/05/2009 12:50

Good advice from Dozymare.
I would be really angry with DH. You were right to have a go at him, even if it was in front of 11 month old. Baby does not understand what you are saying. Good luck x

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