A quick question about keeping everybody happy after school (inc. other parents)!

[onthepier]

My dc's came out of school the other day with their friends, (who are brother and sister!), all similar ages. My two were asking if the others could come home for tea and their friends were very keen to do this. Their mum said no, not tonight, cue downcast faces. I was thinking she was prob wondering if I really wanted it at such short notice. I often wouldn't but it wasn't a problem this particular day.

I said, "Well they can come for a bit, I'll do something quick and easy like chicken nuggets!" All four children cheered but their mum shot me a look.

"Thank you", she said out of earshot of children. "Another night of them disappearing straight after school, I'll just struggle with homework and another late night when they get back again, when shall I pick them up?"

I went home feeling distinctly uneasy, couldn't backtrack as all four kids were half way down the street by then! I did ask if it had been a problem when she came to collect them and she wavered. She said generally if she says no to something she'd rather another parent didn't override her and say yes. She said she'd rushed from work to make the school run, all for nothing she felt.

I felt awful and apologised, saying I hadn't realised, she just gave me a forced smile and thanked me for having them. Anybody think I was in the wrong? Looking back now, I can see why it could have annoyed her but I was also put on the spot!

[MrsWeasley]

Umm actually yes I think you were, sorry. If she said no then you could have said "maybe we can arrange a day next week or tommorrow."

[MaggieTulliver]

I would have invited the mother as well tbh.

However, as she had said No already you should have told the children you would talk to their mother and arrange a date. She could have had plans or anything and by inviting the kids before checking with her then she had no choice but agree or face a huge meltdown.

Not sure how old the kids are - it would have some bearing on my suggestions.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

I can see both sides.

It is hard as some mums will say no because they don't want to feel the other mum will feel she has too.

Maybe it would have been better to go along with her but make a date for another time.

She could, however, have said no even after you had said yes.

I have been in this situation but I have said it is okay to the mum out of ear shot of the kids or even in code to avoid this.

[juuule]

Not your fault. She should have been firmer with her own children if she didn't want them to go out for tea.

[funnypeculiar]

Humm, I can really understand why you did what you did, but I think the ideal in that situation is to say 'I don't mind if you don't' quietly to the mum, before you say anything to the kids.

I think that never over-ride a parent in front of their kids is a good rule.

[onthepier]

Thank you, it didn't really occur to me until we were out of the school grounds that I'd completely overridden what the other mum had said. Thinking about it she looked tired and a bit stressed, poss rearranged her whole day in order to make the school run, (I know she travels around a lot in a typical working day), and then went home with no kids!

I won't do this again, the four children range from 6 to 10 by the way, in answer to Maggie's question.

[cazboldy]

she could have still said no.......

[MaggieTulliver]

She could have said no, of course she could, but if she was tired already it probably wasnt worth the stroppiness that a refusal would have inevitably brought.

I like playdates that involve the mums too. I'm finding that I am making some good friends.

In the grand scheme of things I really wouldnt worry about this...

[PuppyMonkey]

So, she wasted her time rushing to the school for the pick up - and then she wasted some more time later having to come out again and collect them from your house. Not surprised she was a bit cheesed off tbh. Not that you did anything on purpose, but if she'd said no I would have taken that as a bit of a cue to agree with her.

She should have spoken up and insisted on them not going though - I'd have made an excuse up to save face in front of everyone if I'd been her.

[edam]

Probably best not to contradict the other mother, but just say 'Oh, I don't mind at all, but if you'd rather not, how about tomorrow or next week?'

[keally]

How embarrasing for you onthepier as obviously you didn,t mean to overide her.
Tbh I think she should have handled it more graciously.
I wish someone was so willing to let my ds come on a playdate but despite me having loads of his mates the return invites are very seldom.
Anyway although you probably did do wrong you just simply misjudged the situation don,t worry about it she shoudl be happy that her dc's are going places like this. At least they are going off to someones house to enjoy themselves she should think thats nice.

[MrsWeasley]

[lilackaty]

I can also see both sides. Don't worry about it - you did it with best of intentions. If it happens again, just ask her subtly.

[KTNoo]

We had a rule when I was growing up that I wasn't to ask in front of the friends if they could come over to play. Looking back I think it was mainly because my mum was (and is)so unassertive and felt she couldn't say no in front of other kids/parents. Having said that it's a good rule if you find these situations tricky. However I'm quite happy to tell them all "not today, mummy's knackered", or similar.

[applepudding]

I think if the other mum has said 'no, then that should be accepted first time. She shouldn't have to say it twice. Surely if her worry was that the playdate wasn't OK with you then she would have said 'are you sure that's OK' not 'no'.

I find it quite annoying if another parent overrides what I have said to my DS - as in me telling them off for some bad behaviour around another person's house, and the other parent saying 'oh don't worry he's alright'. If I have said something isn't OK for my DS to do, then it isn't OK.

[onthepier]

Thank you everyone.

KTNoo, that's not a bad rule to have, saves embarrassment from all angles. My dc's know they're not allowed to pester other mums, putting them on the spot expecting to be invited back. I said from now on I'm sticking to pre-arranged playdates, so they know the answer will be "no" to having children back, unless myself and the other parent already knew about it, or if it's for a particular reason, school project or something.

They each have a friend coming back this afternoon, but this was arranged last Thursday for today, a much easier way of doing things in my opinion!!

[stealthsquiggle]

FWIW I think you were wrong, although clearly well-intentioned.

In similar circumstances my response is generally something along the lines of "we'll talk/email later and arrange something for another day" unless I can quietly compare notes with the other mother and she is genuinely OK with it.

I also use that with other children - one charged up to me and asked if my DS could come to her house the other day. Now I am reasonably sure DS wouldn't want to go, as it happens, but I told her she should ask her Mummy (Nanny was picking her up) to email me and we would sort something out. I am counting on the mother in question being way too disorganised to do it, but if she does I will consult with DS and make an excuse/ arrange a date according to his reponse.

..but the other mother is (marginally) to blame as well. I wouldn't have let you over-ride me like that.