I am scared!!! but for no reason

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Ok this is going to sound silly i know!

DS1 is 10 and i have never had a problem leaving him with anyone like my mum or sister i left him for the first time with mum and dad when he was 3 weeks old...and went to the reading festival...Mind you i phoned mum every 10 minutes until she told me to bog off lol.

DS2 is 14m old and I have only ever left him with dp and that was for 15minutes...it was the longest time of my life and i felt like crying through it all. Now my sister, mum and dp are pressuring me into leaving him with sister tomorrow and going for a walk with dp even if it is for 30 minutes...I don't know that I want to.

They are so different (ds's) ds2 was born a month early weighing 5lb 15oz and spent the first 5 days in scbu in an incubator and i was not allowed to hold him, it took me 4 days and then me going mental in the hospital before they allowed me to hold him and bf him. The day after i began bf he was well enough to come home....i will stand by my belief that if they had let me feed him earlier then he would have been back home earlier...I say back home as I had a very quick birth (4 1/2 minutes) at home.

DS1 although 3 weeks early was a different baby and we were home from hosp the day after he was born...i didn't bf him...basically i was very different BUT I was also younger...maybe this has made a difference.

I am scared to leave ds2 as I don't like the thought of him crying for me, as I know the state he gets in when I don' pick him up when he wants me to...if i am doing something else for instance.

I just want to be with him all the time...

[thumbwitch]

I think it more likely that the spell in SCBU and not being able to hold him has made the difference!

Not silly but you need to address the situation - 30 minutes is not that long! (If they'd said 3 hours, maybe more of a point). Sympathy for you - I don't like leaving DS for more than half a day even now he is nearly 1yo (but am still bf'ing too so is also practical) but do worry that I am fosterng the dependence he has on me by not letting go of him.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Thumb the hospital were so horrid. He was jaundice and they really went to town on me telling me it was unsafe for me to even hold him...I had him on the Tuesday and until the Friday when I went mental and told them that Saturday morning I was taking my baby home, they would let me sit with him but that was it. The Saturday they said I could feed him and I started at 11am by the following morning at 1.45 am his billy ruben(sp) cells had come down and I was allowed to take him home on the Sunday at 11am....

I had told them I wanted to feed him and they had tried to get him to drink 3oz of milk every 2hrs...he wouldn't but when i started feeding him he guzzled away lol

he is now 14m and in 2-3yr clothes he is not so tiny now lol

[hopefully]

You poor thing, that sounds like a horrible post-birth experience.

Is your DP supportive of you not wanting to leave him? Would he help you with a very gradual withdrawal? i.e. pick the person you think you would be least concerned leaving DS with (your mum, dp, whoever), and get used to DS playing primarily with them while you sit quietly in the corner for 5 mins, then 15 mins, then 30 mins, then sit in the next room for 5 mins and so on, then go outside the front door for a little while...

It might take a while, but if you're just going to be miserable leaving him all in one go, it's got to be better for all concerned.

Also, if you feel you're really panicking about it, would it be worth sitting down and talking through the birth and post-birth bit with someone - DP, midwife, GP, counsellor? It might help you let go of the residual feelings...

[thumbwitch]

bless you, that sounds dreadful! No wonder your brain went "and I am NEVER letting him go again, now I finally have hold of him". Which is what I think it has done - so you could try just weaning yourself off him step by step, 30 mins this time, then 45, then an hour... and so on.

good luck - it will work out ok, you must trust yourself and everyone else involved - after all, everyone wants the best for your DS now (I'm pretty sure your brain was telling you that the SCBU staff didn't know what was best for your DS either, and that you, as his mum, knew better - and you were probably right!)

(P.S. - it's bilirubin by the way - the yellow breakdown product of the red haemoglobin stuff that is in red blood cells )

[treedelivery]

Why don't you take it really slow and maybe watch tv for half an hour in a room with him upstairs with the family? Or potter in garden?

But they are in charge of his care for that time - but you aren't too far away if you have to just run in to him.

No rush afterall. And you two went through stuff, it's bound to change how you feel about leaving him. It's awful awful awful to have enforced seperation for any reason at all, even if the phototherapy helped him get well.

Your a different person to who you were when first parented too.

[treedelivery]

See my idea not entirely origional

Why did you think you'd sound silly? You sound like you believe you are the best at looking after your boy. That's not silly, it's bonding!

But if somewhere in your head you're thinking you might like to start being able to trust others or take a break or whatever, then now or in a while start taking some steps.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Hopefully I have got to make an appt to see the gp about my panicking regarding ds2. There is nothing wrong with him but when I lay down to sleep I must check him 20 times before I am satisfied he is ok...and then i wake in the night to check him again.

Thumb

I'm pretty sure your brain was telling you that the SCBU staff didn't know what was best for your DS either, and that you, as his mum, knew better - and you were probably right!)

I knew from when they told me he was due on 15th october they had it wrong!! I said the 13th-17th September and I had him on the 18th.

When the morning after I had him they whisked him into scbu I kept asking please let me feed him...the sma is too rich and he doesn't like the c&g...he would turn his little face away. So when they allowed me to feed him I was elated as you can imagine.
And I will always say that me kicking off and them backing down and letting me feed him made him well enough to come home. I did know what he wanted. And he could not cope with FF until he was almost 12 weeks old and by then he was on baby rice as well.....as bf and ff.

DP has said he wants to spend a little bit of time with me tomorrow so that I get a break as I don't allow anyone to do anything with ds2...its almost as if he is just mine....god that sounds silly and selfish!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Tree

The bad thing is i don't like the way anyone does anything with him...I like the way we are together....I know thats unfair to all involved in his life and to him.

I am a very different person now. When I had ds1 i was just 23 and I have to admit i was not the most mature of people but i always did my best by him as I do with ds2. Just the difference is with ds2 i hardly ever put him down when i brought him home, I co-slept as dp was working nights.

[thumbwitch]

no, I think it is still a reaction to the SCBU situation. He needed you, you were kept away from him, and now you are going to make damn certain that doesn't happen again.

As I said - trust issues here - you might need counselling for it, or you could try NLP to re-programme your reactions; or just gently learn to trust your family, as they will also defo want to do what's best for your DS. By 14mo, if he has you at his beck and call every minute of every day, you are going to be in trouble when he gets older so best to start the weaning process asap!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Thumb I know the problem is me and not him as he loves my sister, she is great with him and has 2 ds's of her own so know what she is doing. But yes because they kept me away from him when I can't see him I am a wreck...I am almost in tears here at the thought of being away from him again.

He is not a sickly child but i guess you can say i have or am wrapping him in cotton wool. I rough n tumble with him but as soon as dp or ds1 does i panic and tell them to be careful.

I can do anything in doors as long as he can see me he is ok and happy, for instance he is more than happy to sit in his travel cot while i cook except now he wants to help, lol.

I know I need to let my sister look after him even for 10 minutes and i will be ok and so will he even if he does cry for a bit. Its just that thought of him crying.

[treedelivery]

TLE - you musn't feel guilty. I hear guilt here. I know he's delighted to spend this much time with you so you shouldn't feel bad he's not involved with cuddles from a gran or whatever.

I dunno - maybe you should feel comfy away from him, just because lots do and it would be nice to feel you could trust others with him.

But I rebel against word should, and you should be kind and gentle to yourself. Your the A team together, and it's a lovely way to feel.

Maybe in time you might be able to feel more confident away from him and willing to let others look after him in less better way than you can.

Go see the GP though and see hwat they say. I hope you know your GP and have a good relationship with them.

[treedelivery]

Damn it - you're

your?



Agree with thumbwitch entirely

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Tree I do feel guilty, i feel guilty because i don't give ds2 the same amount of freedom(?) as i did ds1. He stayed with my mum and dad every weekend until my dad died and now stays with mum. DS2 even though he is getting big just seems so small to me....

Anyways I must get to bed as I am going to try to leave him with my sister long enough to have breakfast in a cafe with do lolol very exciting and romantic eh???

[treedelivery]

Sleep great and I hope you have a fab breakfast with footsie under table and everything.

Good luck!!

[thumbwitch]

enjoy your breakfast TLE - good luck!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

well i have woken up all prepared to go out and dp is not well lol

[treedelivery]

typical!

really good that you woke up feeling ready, are you relieved he's not well or not fussed you couldn't go or would you rather have gone?

[treedelivery]

Relieved he's not well - that sounds awful. You not what I mean, relieved the date couldn't happen.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Tree I am mega relieved lol...I do want to spend time with dp without ds2...now that sounds nasty lol

but i was pleased he didn't feel well.

[treedelivery]

How's the hub LadyE?

Have you made any futher plans??

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Tree nope lol i guess i was kinda mega relieved to be at home with dp......although I am meant to be going out for the night on the 13th hmmmmmmmm we will see lmao

[LoolaBoys]

OP, I have friends who are like this with their DS2. He nearly choked on a small toy when he was 9 months old and has been totally mollycoddled by them since then. He is now 4 and is treated much softer than his big brother.

I think this is something you need to deal with now as it is not going to get better on its own.

Good luck

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Loola, thanks for your reply. I don't mollycoddle him...in fact i could be accused of mollycoddling ds1 instead!

I just don't want to leave him. I had 5 days when he was first born when i was not allowed to hold him and it has affected me in a big way.

I doubt I will ever have anymore children what with the age gap already lol. And i want to enjoy every second with him.