Another baby after first in ICU?

[GAL8]

Hey all.

Not even sure why I'm writing but I guess I just feel a bit sad.

Me & my OH have been together for 6 years. Not married. I would like to be but he doesn't see the point as not religious. Long story but over the years we have had MANY conversations about it. Tried to compromise, I.e, small wedding, registry office etc, rather than a lavish do. He just isn't keen, says he's committed to me which I truly believe & in every other way he's great, very caring & we have a 20 month old DD, in my opinion more of a commitment than marriage anyway, so it's something that yes, I would like to do, but I agree it's not the be all & end all.

For context here, I had a healthy pregnancy with DD & she was born at 41 weeks. Sadly admitted to NNU/ICU at a few hours old after she started having seizures. Long story short again, found out she had suffered a stroke shortly after birth (cause unknown) we went home after 16 days in Hosp.

As a first time mum I struggled with that itself & also the experience we went through. Very traumatic & scary & unexpected obviously. Fast forward 20 months & DD is amazing, does everything she should be & is an absolute character.

Discussing having another baby at some point in the future today, & usually laid back OH sort of crushed my thoughts, saying as we had come so close to DD having a completely different future (I.e, mentally/physically disabled) he says he doesn't think he can have another one. I was a bit taken aback. As I say he is very positive, laid back, takes it all in his stride. I'm the anxious one. Don't get me wrong, it's taken a long time for me to even think about another baby, I never thought that would happen.

There's lots of points here, it's difficult to write them all down. I guess I just feel a bit rubbish that marriage & another baby, 2 things I would like, may not happen. I know people will say 'stay or go' but its not like that. I know he's a brilliant man, partner & father. I would rather be unmarried & us be together than not at all. Marriage is just something I would like to do but I have compromised & understand for him it's not.
I guess the second thing is now he's said he doesn't think he could have another child. We had a very awful time. & it still haunts me a bit but time has helped. Has anyone had another baby after a terrible time post birth with their baby being in NNU/ICU?
I do worry that something could go wrong with the next baby of course & as I've experienced it already it's very difficult to not think another way. I usually rely on my OH for his positive spin on things but it seems with this I don't have that to turn to. I feel a bit cheated really. I know there's people far worse off then me of course but DD was so poorly in ICU, at first they didn't know what was wrong with her, we were prepped for all sorts of conditions that thankfully didn't materialise but it was dreadful. However I also think even after that I'd be willing to try again. But then what if something did go wrong? When I ask myself that question & think if I were to have a child with say, an extreme disability, I don't think I would cope. So is there a point in even considering another, if I already think that now? God I sound like a loon. Brownie point if you bother reading this far!

[Brobbles]

Sorry OP that does sound tough. I do think that anyone having a baby should be prepared for the possibility that they could have a disability, no one has a crystal ball, it could happen and you have no way of knowing usually. However I know a lot of people think they couldn’t cope but they just do because you have to. You have no choice really and the love you have for your child just pushes you through. I say that as the parent of a child with what are currently fairly mild disabilities in the grand scheme of things but it’s still tough; but at the same time it’s who she is and we just make the most of it. We are having another baby now and there is a chance they could have the same thing as DD has but like I say no one has a crystal ball.

I think the marriage issue is difficult, the relationship aspect of it is not to at concerning as I agree that it’s no guarantee of a commitment and it’s very possible to have a long and committed relationship and not be married. However I would be concerned about how financially vulnerable it could leave you if you were to split up, there are so many threads on here about women who have essentially ended up screwed over and they are legally entitled to nothing because they weren’t married but they had kids and made all the sacrifices to their own careers and pensions etc but have no claim to their partners assets due to not being married.

So if your DP is insistent on not being married then you should ensure that you are financially independent and that you also maintain your own pension; don’t go part time to look after DD, etc. Everything has to be equal. If you are already a SAHM then you are extremely vulnerable.

[NatriumChloride]

In the eyes of the law, having a 20 month old DD together means nothing should you split up. You'd get nothing. Marriage really doesn't have much to do with religion. It's a contract to protect the financially weaker party in case of a split. Who is the financially weaker one in your relationship, OP?

About the issue at hand, I'm so sorry about your DH's reaction. Is he definitely set in stone about this? Or do you think he might change his mind given time?

[GAL8]

Thank you for your lovely reply @Brobbles - so we both work. My OH also owns several properties, as well as having a good job. I am the financially weaker one but I can say, hand on heart, I know if we ever did split he would always make sure I was ok. And that's coming from me, when my own Dad left my mum with 3 kids out of the blue & financially in the shit so it takes a lot for me to have that much faith! It's never been about the financial aspect for me, just always something I would just 'like' to do.

Totally agree with you about how the love would get you through, & I hope I don't sound disrespectful, but until we were in ICU I had never considered having a child with a disability & I'm ashamed to say it honestly terrified me (especially when we were told DD could have multiple issues before the stroke was diagnosed)

It's a situation where I've tried to weigh up all the different outcomes & I was hoping he would be more 'for' than 'against' as I do feel nervous but it is also something I would love to do & I was hoping he would be 'for' so he could sway me to do it, despite our experience.

So envious of people who just have another & don't give it a thought!

[Mylittleturkeysandwich]

Kind of the other way round here. DH would like another and I'm dead against it. DS is only 13 months but I can't imagine a time where I would change my mind. We had initially set out to have 2 as well.

As far as the marriage issue. I wouldn't be happy either. You say he'll look after you but I'm sure all the women out there who've been left with nothing thought the same. It doesn't have to be remotely religious or even a big deal. Just a small simple ceremony. Covid is the perfect excuse.

[june2007]

Both of mine were in scbu as both born at 34 wks but actualy 2nd was in for less time and was doing better. It did make me wonder if I should have another. But ther is no reason why another should end up in scbu/icu. A stroke is very unusual. Seazures on the other hand quite common but it depends on why.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

It depends on the cause of the stroke. If it’s a heart defect or a blood disorder or an arterial / venous malformation then yes it could be genetic. But you do need to discuss this with your consultant / GP prior to making a decision.

Having said that, considering he already said no to marrying you, this may be the first stage in him drawing a line under your relationship. Are you sure he isn’t cheating?