Co parenting

[SDmummytobe]

Hello everyone,

Just wanted some advise really, if anyone has been in the same situation. My little boy is 7 months old and me and his father separated when he was 4 months old. When we was together he did absolutely nothing for him no feeds nappy changes naps bath bedtime ect. Since the split he has decided to step up his game and decided he does want to be involved.

He currently sees him for around 15-18 hours a week. Hes never had him overnight before and has never done bed time or got up in the night. Hes currently asking for him to stay over once a week. Does anyone think this is to young??? Since I've done it for the last 7 months I just think hes going to be really confused and upset. Hes stayed over with my mum twice in the 7 months and both times she said hes cried for 2 hours straight, really upset (not like him at all) so he hasn't stayed out since.

I feel bad saying no however as he is trying and wants to be involved, but I'm just worried about our little one being distressed without me there. Is there any need for overnights or should we stick to day time?

Any advise would be really helpful. Thank you x

[Ohalrightthen]

Hmmm. Id say no overnights yet, BUT could you maybe do one or two nights a week where your ex comes over and does the whole bedtime routine? You get a takeaway and hole up in your room with your laptip and headphones, and he does dinner, bath, bottle, bed? Get your little one used to Daddy at bedtime? And then when he's got that down, you can think about overnights?

The important thing with this is that you Do Not Step In. He has to work it out for himself. The way he soothes his baby to sleep will be different to the way you do it. That's fine! But you have to give him a chance to find a way that works for him.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

If he were to go through the Courts I think they suggest no overnights until 18 months but you might want to check that in Relationships or the Legal Section

[HDmummytobe]

Thank you for your reply. I thought that was best also him staying over here but hes adamant he dosent want to do that and wants to be in his own house.

When he has him through the week during the day he always rings me to see if he can bring him back early or if I can collect him early, so I don't know how he thinks hes going to manage over night! :(

They didn't have any bond at all when I left, because he wasnt interested so I feel they're just building that up currently but we co sleep too so it's going to be very different for him :( I've told him no in the past before and he just gives me abuse saying I'm trying to take his child away ect , when I just want the best for my LB x

[HDmummytobe]

Yeah 18 months is the right age I'd have thought when they can verbalize a little more, it's a hard one cause things have been awful with him constantly verbally abusive but we've just got to a place were we are now civil so I know that will rock the boat and the nasty names ect will start all over again :( x

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Don't let him bully you into a situation where you are doing something that doesn't feel right.

I'd tell him that you think it's time to get something more formal in place and he should apply for a child arrangements order before he has him overnight. Your ex may be entitled to Help with Court Fees regarding his application.

Alternatively you could say that you don't think it's the right time yet, he's too little and you'd prefer to wait a few months.

[HDmummytobe]

Thanks so much for your reply and the links that's very helpful. I know he wants to try and be there but there will he a time when overnights are no problem but I think 7 months is still a little young when he wont have a clue what's going on!! The thought of going to court is terrifying ahhh! But I think if that didn't happen and I said no to overnights for now , hed have him during the day and just not return him!!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

If you think that he won't return him, you need an order in place to say that the baby lives with you, so that if that happens, the baby can be returned.

I'm not legally trained so ask in the Legal Section what the best way of going about that would be.

Court doesn't have to be terrifying, it's much less scary than him keeping your baby without your permission

Most Court hearings are being help by telephone or video at the moment. If you can't afford someone to represent you at the hearing, you could ask for a McKenzie Friend

I'd also talk to Rights of Women and have a look on their website as it's all free legal advice.

I do think from what you've said so far that he's being abusive towards you and trying to manipulate you into getting what e wants. Keep copies of all of his texts, especially the threatening and abusive ones.

[HDmummytobe]

Thank you I'll try and have a look into a residency order , yes I've got a file on my phone with over 50 screen shots of him being vile wishing me dead ect but he has since changed his tune and wants to be civil so I'm hoping it will lasts, his moods change so rapidly! Thanks for all of the links I will have a read through x