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Parenting

Trying for baby #2 too early??

19 replies

Firstmom264 · 01/07/2020 15:52

Hi everyone!
So I’ve been been with my boyfriend for a year now. I’ve already got a 5 year old little boy (dad died years ago) and I’ve always wanted a large family. My boyfriend didn’t meet my son until 5 months into the relationship but they get on so well, really do adore each other! Recently we’ve decided that my boyfriend should move in with me and my son... he lives over 40 miles away so we only get to see each other on weekends.. I’d still pay the mortgage and he’d pay the bills so that side of things is sorted and he’ll be moving in next month. I would really love to have another baby.. and he feels the same. With my son it took over a year to get pregnant and I feel that it might be the same again? So I’m having my coil taken out next month and see what happens... I get really nervous though about what people might think.. is it too early or too rushed? What are your opinions? Have you ever done anything like this and it’s all worked out? Thanks x

OP posts:

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Letsallscreamatthesistene · 01/07/2020 16:27

If it were me id say wait until you've lived together for a while to make sure things are ok on that front.

MeadowHay · 01/07/2020 16:33

If you're going to lose out financially in ANY way (e.g. even by taking mat leave that would be less than your earnings) then I wouldnt have a child before getting married. If that doesnt apply it sounds like you're secure enough in terms of the house being yours so may not be necessary.

How old are you both? I guess age might make a difference as to whether you both feel pushed for time or not.

I think I do agree with PP that you'd want to be living together for some time prior to TTC though. I can't imagine moving in with someone and TTC straight away tbh.

CMOTDibbler · 01/07/2020 16:34

You've been with him a year, never lived with him, and you want to start TTC straightaway? Live together for a year, see how he is when parenting and housekeeping is an everyday thing rather than just weekends, and then think about it. He's only known your son for 7 months - so thats, what, 56 days maximum that he's been with him, even if you are all together all weekend, every weekend - and if you are in the UK you wouldn't have been together for the last 3 months, so its actually only 32 days. That tells you nothing about whether he can be a good stepfather to your son, let alone a new baby as well

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/07/2020 16:38

Agree that you should try living with him first. You don’t know what he’s like on a general day to day basis yet doing all the mundane life stuff.

user1493413286 · 01/07/2020 16:42

You don’t really know anyone until you’ve lived with them and his relationship with your son isn’t really embedded or even tested so I would say it’s too early. It’ll put a lot of pressure on your relationship if you get pregnant quickly

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/07/2020 16:53

My DH and I found out we were expecting DD very early in our relationship. We had already been ‘living together’ but not officially. We were very lucky that our relationship worked out and we’re now awaiting DD2. I would really get to know him better first.

Firstmom264 · 01/07/2020 16:56

Thanks for the reply! When you put in terms of specific amount of days then it does sound short! Even I haven’t put into days I wasn’t ever going to put it as ttc as I was diagnosed with pcos and a heart shaped uterus. I was only 17 when I got pregnant with my first son and was told I was very lucky to have been able to conceive naturally back then. My coil is due to come out any way because it’s been 5 years so I was just gonna leave it out. I’ve got no expectation at all of getting pregnant straight away

OP posts:

Firstmom264 · 01/07/2020 17:01

Thanks for the reply!
In terms of earnings I wouldn’t lose out. We’ve both got very stable jobs and I brought my house 2 years ago and have been supporting myself and my son for over 3 years now. I’m 25 and he is 30 years old..
I’m having my coil taken out anyway because it’s been 5 years now and due to come out. The only reason I wasn’t going to go back onto any contraception was because I was diagnosed with pcos and a heart shaped uterus and was told it would be harder for me to conceive. I’ve got no expectations that I’ll get pregnant straight away

OP posts:

HarrietM87 · 01/07/2020 17:17

How does it work if you got pregnant with your 5 year old at 17 and are 25 now?! Or do you have other children?

You’re young. You could conceive first cycle. You really barely know this guy and your son knows him even less. A new dad figure and a new sibling would be a huge change in his life. If I were you I’d wait for 6-12 months before ttc (i) to make sure you do really want to start a family with this man and (ii) to give your son time to get to know him before another big change.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/07/2020 17:24

How does it work if you got pregnant with your 5 year old at 17 and are 25 now?!

A very good question!

theproblemwitheyes · 01/07/2020 18:56

Absolutely don't try to have a baby until you've lived together for at least a year. And i wouldnt move him in yet either, with lockdown etc your son must barely know him. I'd wait a year, move in together, then wait again and then TTC.

TheVanguardSix · 01/07/2020 19:10

How does it work if you got pregnant with your 5 year old at 17 and are 25 now?!

Explain this.

Firstmom264 · 02/07/2020 01:16

Sorry! Meant 19.. little typo! Thanks for the advice though.. I completely understand what everyone on here has said. I suppose when you finally find a good man you just want to rush everything! I’m still going to have my coil taken out regardless but maybe look at starting the pill even if it’s just for another year

OP posts:

Firstmom264 · 02/07/2020 01:17

Said above... was just a typo.. I meant 19. My first son was t planned

OP posts:

Redroses05 · 02/07/2020 02:09

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

If it were me id say wait until you've lived together for a while to make sure things are ok on that front.

This. You don’t know somebody until you live with them finically and emotionally.

jessstan2 · 02/07/2020 04:09

What others suggest - live together for a while first to make sure you like it!

Good luck. It all sounds quite positive so far.

Ladybyrd · 02/07/2020 10:56

I met my partner in February. Moved in with him in August, fell pregnant (intentionally) in January. Moved to a bigger place. Had a miscarriage. Moved to a bigger place. Had another miscarriage. Just had a little baby girl. Now we're talking about marriage.

It may seem back to front, but I was 38 when we met so didn't have the benefit of lots of time to "save" for this, that and the other. We've been together for 4 years now and I can't imagine going through all that with anyone else. When people say "you just know", I thought it was bullshit until I met him. It just all felt right.

You'll probably get umpteen people telling you you're nuts, but I didn't need 10 years to make my mind up about my partner - I knew it worked and we were both happy in our relationship. Barely a crossed word in the first year. I've been in one very abusive relationship though and after 10 years of that (which ended in him proposing and me saying no) I know every red flag to look for and would be off like a shot if I even saw one.

In this relationship, we came into it at similar levels financially. I think if there was a big imbalance in my favour, I probably would want to cover my arse though, particularly if I had children.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/07/2020 10:59

@Ladybyrd

I felt like I knew DH was right for me from the very beginning too. I understand that you didn’t have time to wait but the OP does. She’s only 25. I understand that she has complications that may make conceiving difficult but she has time to wait a year to know her DP better.

Ladybyrd · 02/07/2020 11:14

@BeingATwat (!)

I agree. It's all subjective.

I did come off contraception when I moved in in August after only knowing my partner 6 months. On balance, that was pretty hasty, but then, tick tock and all of that. I'm not sure I'd be in such a hurry at 25, but saying that, I think by then I'd worked out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

It took us 5 months to get pregnant with DS. With both of my miscarriages and DD, I caught in the first cycle of trying however, OP. That's 3 times between the ages of 40 and 41. I also was told I would probably need fertility treatment when I was in my teens (had a cysts on one of my ovaries that made it swell up like a grapefruit, my periods stopped, and also have a tilting womb apparently). Turns I could conceive just fine.

I do have a friend of the same age who started trying at the same time as we did for DS and she hasn't been as lucky.

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