1 month old sleep (or no sleep)

[Rosalie49]

Good evening everyone!

Please take the time to read I know it’s long.

I’m after some advice. I’m a 22 year old first time mum to a 1 month old DD. I’m probably going to get some stick for this but I just need some advice so please, if you’re going to judge or make a sarcastic comment - just don’t bother commenting please as like I said, I’m a first time mum and I’m still learning, this is all new to me and I need help, not criticism.

My daughter is generally a really good baby. She has her moments where she can be a bit hellish but overall, it’s not too bad and it normally coincides with the time she’s due a growth spurt etc. Well, recently, she’s become really dependent on having a dummy (she’s had a dummy since she was 2 days old as it helped comfort her). Now, I don’t mind her having dummy throughout the day for her naps and for when she’s chilling as she likes it but the only problem I have is the minute it drops out, she cries until it’s back in again and it doesn’t stay in her mouth for very long, probably 10 minutes MAX! So, every 10 minutes or less I’m putting her dummy back in. Throughout the day when she’s napping, she doesn’t nap for longer than 30 minutes and even when she is napping, I can tell she’s not in a deep sleep if that makes sense as she’s fidgeting around quite a lot. Then she is awake for 2/3 hours at a time which I don’t think is normal for a one month old baby but that’s just how she is. So, in the daytime I can cope with this, but at night time, I cannot.

So at night time, we have a routine like this...
9.30pm bath, bottle & bed. She has a white noise machine which helps her sleep and a blue night light (recommended by hv). I don’t bathe her every night as she has quite dry skin but 3 times a week she’ll have a bath. Other than that, I take her upstairs to my room where it’s dark and quiet, nappy change, pj’s on and I give her a bottle, burp her and put her to bed (without dummy). She’s fine for approx 15 minutes, then she starts to fuss and then she starts to cry. I leave her for 2 mins to see if she stops and goes to sleep as she has done in the past and if she doesn’t then I pick her up and cuddle her for 5 minutes until she calms and stops crying. Then once the crying has stopped and she seems sleepy again, I put her back in her next to me crib and we go again. Then she starts to fuss and starts to cry again, so again I leave her for 5 minutes and if the crying doesn’t stop, I make sure she’s not hungry, doesn’t need burping and doesn’t need changing again. Then I cuddle her and put her down again. Throughout this, I can tell she’s exhausted and she’s really fighting her sleep.

I can not and will not battle with dummy all night, putting it back in every 10 minutes as no one can function like that. I’m a single mum and I’m doing this all alone with no support from family because of this coronavirus and I need sleep! I can not sleep when she sleeps throughout the day as she hardly sleeps and when she does, it’s gives me just enough time to grab a bite to eat or shove a load of washing on and then she’s awake again. I can not cuddle her all night whilst she sleeps as I won’t get any sleep then either. I’ve read other threads on this forum and mums get slated for letting their baby cry but I honestly don’t know what to else to do. I’ve tried everything. Hot water bottle in her next to me crib, a top with my scent on, a comforter. You name it, I’ve tried it. I even attempted to co-sleep one night but didn’t get a wink of sleep as I was too worried about her suffocating or me rolling over and crushing her in my sleep.

So, I’ve been doing all of the above and then just letting her cry. She doesn’t cry for long (10 minutes maximum) and then she goes to sleep and she goes into a proper deep sleep and is out for hours (probably making up for the day time where she’s being woken up by dummy falling out every 10 minutes). Obviously, I have absolute mum guilt for doing this so no need to make me feel any worse but I don’t know what to do. I know she’s not hungry, poorly (I’ve got a thermometer and have checked her temperature to make sure), she doesn’t need changing or burping.

I don’t know what to do and I’m hoping someone can tell me what I’m doing isn’t so bad and detrimental to her emotional health. I’m hoping someone can tell me that letting her cry for 10 minutes isn’t too bad and that I’m not the worst mum ever for doing this but if I didn’t, I’d seriously get no sleep and I know lack of sleep is part of being a mum and I can cope with sleep deprivation but this is more than that. If I was to see to her at every cry when it came to bed time, she’d never sleep properly and it would be the same situation as it is during the day.

What’s your advice ladies?

[Warsawa31]

Hey op,

We let our DD cry for a little while when she was that little, it takes some time for them to settle into routine sleeping. Our DD is nearly 1 and still has some nights where she wakes up. We do let her CIO after checking she isn’t Unwell thirsty etc.

If you have found something that works just do it. It’s not like you are letting her cry on her own for hours on end! We sound that sometimes after a good cry (again of a few minutes) she wore herself out and slept.

There are two of us so we took it in turns to o a night shift- as you are on your own it’s even more important you get rest when you can.

Don’t feel guilty it sounds da poem you are doing a great job. It gets ta easier in time as well :)

[crazybutkind]

I just want to say for a young first time single mum completely on her own due to covid I think you are doing an excellent job and have more strength than a small village. You keep doing what your doing. Xx

[Rosalie49]

Hey!

Thank you for taking the time to read. Wasn’t too sure if anyone would respond as it was that long of a post. It definitely does work for me. It’s just the last thing I want is for her to think that when she cries, no one comes to her to help her. That makes me feel like an awful mum and that’s what I’ve read online.

I suppose your right, it’s 10 minutes. Ofcourse I’d never let her cry for hours. I wouldn’t even leave it longer than 10 minutes, to be honest. But 10 minutes is normally all it takes for her to tire herself out a little, like you say, and then go to sleep and then she’s content for the rest of the night (until 3/4am when she’s due her next feed and it’s the only actual time she will sleep for longer than 30 minutes which is amazing! I’ve ordered a couple of books to help more with a routine for when she’s 6 weeks as that’s when I’ve read babies understand routine more?

But thank you! I’m really trying but it can be hard and especially when I’m on my own, locked in a house. No support. My mum can’t even come and visit me and she’s been my rock through everything!

[Rosalie49]

Thank you very much @crazybutkind it really does mean a lot. I’m not going to lie, I’ve broken down more times than I can remember but it’s just me and her right now and I’m trying to tell myself that this is all a phase (even covid) and it will pass! Some days are certainly easier than others, that’s for sure. Xx

[justlikejasper]

You're doing brilliantly so far well done, it can't be easy on your own sounds like your smashing it

My ds was like that with the dummy to start with it drove me mad but he did start to keep it in around 2-3 months (sorry I know that seems ages away!)

With the not settling she could have reflux, ds had it and would cry endlessly after a feed. Maybe speak to your HV about it see if there's anything she can suggest. Infacol was my best friend when he was little but dont give anything without speaking to your HV or GP first xx

[Rosalie49]

Thank you @justlikejasper I’m trying my hardest

It’s so frustrating! I’ve been tempted to put an elastic band through the holes of her dummy and strap it to her ears... Joking! Although, it would definitely work, haha! 2-3 months sounds ages away yes. But, if that’s how long it takes then so be it.

Hmm, I’ve thought about reflux, I even switched to the mam anti-colic bottles but I figured it wouldn’t be reflux if a dummy calms her down? If she had reflux, would she cry regardless? Xx

[justlikejasper]

@Rosalie49 the temptation is real it drove me insane but if it's any consolation hes 19 months now and I pretty much have to wrestle it off him!
Ds cried regardless of dummy or not, he was so uncomfortable with it, it's not nice to see. does she bring up any of her feed after? Obviously every baby is different but just mention it to your HV won't do any harm x

[Rosalie49]

@justlikejasper that’s good! There is light at the end of the tunnel then

Sometimes she does actually! Not very often mind. But I’d say every couple of days she’ll bring up some of her feed but I put that down to her being greedy and guzzling it down. I’ll mention it, thank you x

[Firstimemam]

Hello, I'm also a first time mum as my name says and I think you're doing an absolute brilliant job especially having to do it all by yourself and at this time as this can be very lonely - even if all the centres are open etc a lot of people struggle even with help.

Have you every tried to just not give her the dummy and reintroduce it at a later stage? She's still so little that within a day or two she will have forgotten what the dummy was and your problem should be solved, maybe reintroduce in a couple of months unless you feel like she really needs the dummy?

[Rosalie49]

Hi @Firstimemam thank you very much! It’s a lonely time right now, not going to lie, thank god for FaceTime! Not the same as seeing someone in the flesh though and getting out the house but it’s better than nothing, right?

I thought about it but I think I’d be making my life even harder. I think she’d have more energy throughout the day and just cry and I’d never get anything done. At least with a dummy in the day, she’s happy to chill wherever. I might give it ago. But, I don’t think it would work

[Patapouf]

It's a really tough stage, especially if you have no help.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I don't think it's ok to leave a baby that little to cry. Have you thought about getting a sling? At her age she won't yet have a circadian rythym and sleep cycles don't really exist yet.

If you google the fourth trimester if will give a bit of insight into how baby might be feeling and sort of explain the crying/not sleeping!

A routine from 6 weeks is highly unlikely but just remember that this will pass, she will grow out of this and you will eventually get some semblance of sleep at night! Don't beat yourself up if she doesn't fit into the structure you want.

The dummy thing is a pain, DS only took a dummy for a short while but would only be persuaded to keep it in his mouth just before he wanted to sleep so I have nothing useful to add on that front.