Relationship with DS (15) spiralling downhill

[thekewgirl]

Really hoping someone has words of advice. For context I am bringing 3 DSs up as a single parent and I work full time. It's DS1 who is the subject of this.

My kids are all very different and have their own quirks as kids often do. DS1 is a great kid generally, polite to adults and funny and doesn't get into trouble at school. No issues with drink / drugs / girls or staying out. He can however be very stubborn, disruptive at home, rude to me, cruel jibes to one of his younger brothers (12) and quite depressive and anxious. He has a couple of mild life altering conditions and is being assessed currently for ADHD. When in one of his moods he can go up against me and just won't give up to the point we are shouting at each other. I am very mild mannered but when pushed I get very wound up. I try to walk away but he will follow me carrying on the argument and shouting loudly when he knows his brothers are asleep. Occasionally it's got so bad it ends in him having a panic attack.

So this takes us to where we are now. He has his mock exams this year and is just so uncaring about it. He 'can't be bothered' to revise but then gets stressed and melancholy the night before the exam saying he will fail and he hadn't done enough. He calls himself stupid and worthless. But the lesson isn't learnt and he doesn't study again. It's like he doesn't want to try for fear of failing but then panics.

My life is incredibly busy (I have also had caring responsibilities for my parents until they both passed away in the last 2 tears). I have no siblings and no extended family and my eldest at least is estranged from his father. I can only get by week on week with a huge amount of organisation, no downtime for me and a cheery smile. My attitude has always been work hard, get stuck in and don't complain if you aren't going to do something to help yourself. How I live my life is at odds with how my son leads his and I am struggling to cope - as is he.

Every day I ask what he will study / what he has studied. I am trying (badly) to get some sense into him. But every day now we argue as I know I am not supporting him in the right way.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can back off while gently persuading and encouraging him without being judgemental. I think I know what I have to do but it's so alien to me to sit back and watch him make a mistake that I worry will shatter his confidence more.

Long post - sorry!!

[Deadkeni]

Speaking from experience as a kid who spent their mid teens very stressed, it felt near impossible to study when I was struggling with anxiety etc. Even when I wanted to. He might struggle to focus and take it in, and just end up more frustrated. Added pressure from adults makes it worse and just makes you feel like more of a trashy failure, so you feel more down, which makes it even harder to study and the cycle continues.

As to how to help, I'm not sure. Maybe encourage him at things he's good at, if he feels good about himself he will probably find it easier to study. If it feels like something positive rather than something he's going to fail at it won't be so intimidating.
I could be wrong! That's just from my experience as a kid who struggled.

[Maltay]

It sounds like he would benefit from counselling to help him learn some coping strategies with negative thought patterns.
I suspect you're spot on when you say he doesn't try because he doesn't want to fail. I think deep down, even if he doesn't realise it, he cares very deeply about exam performance.
I don't have much advice, but I was a 'high acheiver' at school and wish I'd had more help with stress and anxiety.
Looking on the bright side at least this is happening now and not when he's at university and you're not there.
It sounds like you're doing your best and I'm sure when he's older he'll look back and realise that x

[Chancey1982]

My eldest told me when he was in fight or flight mode and shouting or anxious he needed me to be completely calm. If I reacted anxiously or angrily I increased his anxiety but that if I didn't react and kept my voice level he would calm quickly. It took some practise on my part but he was right and has turned out to be a good lifeskill for parenting teens.

[thekewgirl]

Thanks all

Yes I can see the downhill cycle of anxiety, the arguments and then the lack of ability to focus. I totally see how I need to keep calm as I have a similar experience to the one you describe Chancey... when I start calm and don't react the storm blows over quickly. I need to find a way to let this happen with his lack of studying.

My problem is if he fails he will feel awful and it will damage his confidence, but I know he will feel so proud if he does well.... so why does he not see the need to try to get the result he wants.

I will try harder tho - focus on the good, keep calm

[Chancey1982]

I don't know. Mine failed most of his exams and has found a job he loves. He passed his driving test first time and now has some pretty decent friends too. None of my boys are academic but each have their own skills and an idea of what they want to do. They often feel sad about finding school so difficult.
My daughter however is predicted very high grades.
All four of them have suffered with anxiety post divorce.
I tend to go with the "do your best, you will find your own way" mental health is more important than grades and if it's important to them now or later they'll do what they need to do.

[thekewgirl]

Thanks so much chancey - just what I needed to hear