I am making a total hash of this :-(

[Alpacamystuff]

I feel I am making a total mess of parenting DS, (4 weeks today) I have dd7 too. Bear with me as this might be a total ramble.
I feel so guilty because I failed at breastfeeding, I didn't get any sleep at all. I was late for school pick up and drop off as he was taking over an hour to feed. He was screaming. Dd was upset as she didn't get to have any time with me. I went to support group for breastfeeding and was just told its normal but not how to manage now dh is back at work.

Fast forward this week: Ds is 75% formula fed with 25% expressed milk all via bottles. However he seems so much more content.

Last night he didn't sleep however, at all really and I let Dh sleep because he had a big meeting today (he did say why did I not wake him) so today I've done my normal thing: feed, school run dog walk, feed and I've put him to nap whilst i had a nap, ,(normally I sit and cuddle him & maybe do some housework)
Now hes feeding and I need to walk dog and do school run. Then I'll cuddle him, see DD and play with her so I'll have to put him down and then I'll do dinner and DH will come home have both dd and ds so I can shower.
In between all this I need to pump because it's the best I can do for him as i couldn't manage to breastfeed him and failed and my supply is dwindling.

I just feel I'm making a mess of everything. That I'm not spending enough Time with ds and it's unfair on him doing the school run, dog walks and me being selfish napping.

The thing is I don't know how to work it all. I love walking it's great for my mental health, and I had pnd with Dd and as I feel so guilty and sad that I've failed to breastfeed him and therefore need to pump I think I need to walk.

I see other people with say 3/4 children and they manage. I just have no idea how to make this work and be fair for everyone... especially dd and ds.

Does anyone have any advice please?

[cauliflowersqueeze]

I think you should give yourself a massive break.

They’re alive and healthy. Keep going.

[Thesearmsofmine]

You poor thing, you sound overwhelmed and it’s very very normal.

Firstly you did not fail at. Breastfeeding isn’t the most important thing although I know it feels like it right now, I felt so guilty when I couldn’t establish bf with my dc but now they are older and I am out of that baby bubble I can see it really doesn’t matter too much. Formula is fine.

It’s really early days with your baby and your whole family is finding a new normal. It will get easier.

[noperightoutofthere]

me being selfish napping

Listen lovely, taking care of your own bodily needs is not "being selfish".

You can't function without sleep.

My best advice for you would be to speak to someone IRL at all possible. I feel like you need someone to sit down and say to you that you're doing great. You are. As a PP said you're finding your new normal, and that's going to take time. I can promise you that as long as you make sure that everyone - and that includes you - eats and sleeps/naps, it's all going to come good.

The stress and pressure around breastfeeding is enormous (and I say this as a mother who did extended breastfeeding) and I would be worried that you're going to get into a downward spiral with the guilt. That will help nobody.

Having previously had PND you're at higher risk of having it again. That means that your top priority - after the others are fed and changed where applicable - needs to be YOU. Walking and napping are really important. Not 'selfish'.

[Alpacamystuff]

Thank you for all being kind, you've made me cry. I thought I'd get flamed

[Sipperskipper]

You are doing an amazing job. I switched to formula completely at 6 weeks and felt that same guilt, for a few days. I then realised it was the best thing for my mental health, and therefore my DD. She thrived on formula and I was much happier once I realised it was the right decision. If I ever have another, I will not put so much pressure on myself to continue bf.

You are spending plenty of time with him! If you can, nap, walk and rest as much as possible.

Keep doing what you are doing, and prioritise your sleep and rest where you can. If things still feel overwhelming in a few days, it would be worth mentioning to your health visitor / GP as you may need some extra support.

[WMPAGL]

Hang about, this all sounds great. I'm not getting how you've 'failed' at all!

You haven't 'failed' at breastfeeding - it didn't work for you and your family and you've gone with an alternative that has resulted in a happier baby. Win. (You don't have to express anything btw if it's stressing you out - I hereby give you permission to stop and still be a great mum if that's what you need from someone!)

You do school run every day. You walk the dog every day. You spend time with your first child every day. You have worked out a system with your dh whereby you have a shower every day. You have a DH willing to help you even when he has a big work day the next day.

You're fricking nailing this.

[Ohnoherewego62]

The worst thing I done was refuse to nap or let anyone take over. I was exhausted and emotional and snappy.

Absolutely nap when you can, fuck housework, cuddle your babes and if breastfeeding doesnt work out then it doesnt work out. Fed is best. Happy and stress free mum is best also.

Get dd involved with baby too so shell get to spend time with you both. Read them both read read while she cuddles little one etc etc gi for long showers when your man gets back in. Take a cup of something hot and just sit for a while after it and enjoy the peace.

Let people in and let them help. You dont have to do it all so dont run yourself into the ground.

Plus the post partum hormones are thee worst!!

[Alpacamystuff]

Thank you everyone. You've all said what DH has been trying to get through to me but I thought he was just saying it.
I'm just exhausted, I've been told when he walks in tonight I'm having a shower and going up to bed in the big bed with dd and having hot chocolate and cuddles and going to sleep when dd does and he will hold the fort.

I apologise for the lack of paragraphs in my first post.

[Navy123]

Your DH sounds lovely and your evening sounds perfect.

Another one saying quit the pumping though if it's just adding to your stress! You need to 'forgive' yourself for bfing not working - not that it's a bad thing or anything like that, but you need to make peace with it. I hope I have phrased that ok!

You are doing a great job, and they are only tiny for such a short time. Your DD will survive it too! And naps are never selfish, they are necessary for you to keep being a great mum.

[babybrain77]

I read your post and all I could think was "what an amazing job you're doing". Out and about every day, spending time with both kids, walking the dog etc. All with a 4 week old baby. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Breastfeeding isn't the be all and end all, although I completely empathise with the guilt - please don't lose the first few weeks and months with your bub feeling guilty about it! Big hugs and gold star for DH as well

[bloodywhitecat]

Give yourself a break and a bloody great big pat on the back, you are doing just fine.

[ChevalierTialys]

Napping = recharge time. You Need to recharge, you cannot function on empty. No one can.

You have a newborn, be kinder to yourself. You are totally on top of the things that matter - DC are alive, well fed, well rested and well loved. You are winning my dear.

[MoiraBrown101]

I felt horrible guilt when my DS couldn't latch. The doctors eventually noticed he had tongue tie when he was two. It was never picked up while I was trying to bf and I didn't even know there was such a thing. I just thought it was my fault and I was a horrible failure. I absolutely punished myself, expressing for hours every day while DS cried to be held. I gave up expressing at week 10, when I was getting less than an ounce a day and my mental health was utterly broken.

Don't do this to yourself. DS is fed and happy. You're doing fine.

[onetimeonlyy]

Oh my goodness please be kind to yourself. If a friend wrote the post you did would you call her a failure and selfish?! Of course not!

Breastfeeding is really not worth it at the expense of your mental health. Honestly.

You sound like a fab mum. Let your DH look after you, we all need some TLC sometimes!

[Alpacamystuff]

You've all made me feel so much better.
DH Arrived home with a chippy tea. Hes whisked DS off for a bath and me and DD are in bed having a cuddle.


Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to have a good chat with the midwife doing our discharge tomo about the guilt and the pumping.

[ShrimpingViolet]

You're doing a great job my love and can only echo what others have said about taking your own needs into account too. The first few weeks are overwhelming while you all find your feet and before you can count on any sort of routine.

One day at a time and things will get easier (although there will still be the "oh fuck" days thrown in at random)

As for the breastfeeding, you're doing what's working best for you and your family. DS will thrive and be absolutely fine on formula. Much better for him to have a full belly and a happy mum. Also, if you can't keep up the pumping, then don't. You've tried and it's not working out as you hoped - and that is absolutely fine. When I was struggling with feeding DD a breastfeeding counsellor told me "sometimes it just doesn't work for whatever reason - and you should never beat yourself up about it".

You've got this, I promise

[ShrimpingViolet]

Oh and enjoy your chips - you deserve them

[MummaGiles]

Your DH sounds amazing. You sound amazing. You’re doing a brilliant job. Be kind to yourself.