Feeling different and isolated

[heykarumba]

I'm feeling lonely today. I'm a sahm mum to toddler twins. My sister is potentially moving away with her partner, my friends haven't got babies yet and are busy with their careers , my parents are still working but they're tired and my husband has his own thing.

I want to do something for myself on days like this. Connect with similar people. Twins are hard work and you just want someone to share the day with sometimes. We've been out this morning but most of the caregivers were grandparents , I feel like I have nothing in common with them.

[Laurenk474]

I'm a new mum to 8 wk old twins. Just sitting at home today myself too as I don't really know what to do with them until they can sit up on their own and I can go to toddler groups, library clubs etc. Netflix is my saviour! X

[nuckyscarnation]

That sounds tough OP

I have 14 month old twins. They are amazing but it is tough! I get you 100%

Are there any twin groups near you? I say that as someone who hasn’t been to the one near her yet and keeps meaning to go along. Having twins presents issues that Singleton mums just don’t have I think. My Singleton friends are all going to gym, on date nights etc and I’m over here, just surviving each day.

I’m sorry your parents and DH aren’t more supportive. That must be very hard. Your DH needs to chip in though. He can’t be off doing his own thing on a regular basis. That’s not fair.

Well done on actually getting out of the house this morning though. That on its own isn’t always easy!

[nuckyscarnation]

@Laurenk474 Don’t wait that long or you’ll have gone insane before they are sitting up. There’s loads of stuff you can do with them when they are tiny. Baby massage was a good one for mine. I made loads of friends there. Baby sensory is also good, as is baby yoga. Honestly you need to get out because they won’t be sitting up for a while and there’s only so much Netflix you can stand!

[BlueEyedFloozy]

You may find a twin group nearby, if not head along to any local baby group.

Honestly, they're more for carers than the babies so it really doesn't matter if they just lay sleeping on a play mat or sit in bouncy chairs.

Please don't isolate yourself - tell your DH that you need time for yourself too. Even if it's just an evening walk alone. The early days are seriously tough on your mental health!

[heykarumba]

What I meant with my DH is that he's busy working, he shares the housework and looks after me. I think it's my sister leaving that's upsetting me the most. We are really close and it feels like such a loss. I literally feel she's deserting me and I need her in my life. We always help each other. She's creating a new life with her partner and while I'm happy for her - as a family and a friend I feel sad when she attends parties with his family and friends. BBQs in the summer etc. I have no other siblings and my DH is an only child. My DH doesn't have many friends , he's just happy how he is but I need friends in my life, especially with the kids now. I need that support. I need to talk with people and be sociable.

[heykarumba]

@nuckyscarnation there are no twin clubs around here. There was a supportive group of twin parents but they're all back at work now and don't have time - they have grandparents support to cover childcare.

They're also shit friends if I'm honest - I'd always congratulate them on things their twins did but if I sent them photos of my twins doing things they'd never reply or comment.

I feel dropped by everyone except my husband and his parents - they are amazing with us. But it's not enough. I do appreciate it all though and I will never forget and always be in debt to them. But I need more help. I've applied for part time jobs so I can have a bit of a break that pays enough to cover childcare but no luck as such. It's so taxing to apply, attend interviews etc that I think starting something of my own.

[MoonlightBonnet]

I’ve come across the problem of toddler and baby groups being full of grandparents and childminders, which means they’re not useful for making mum friends. My top tip is find a church group with a waiting list, they will usually prioritise mums. Phone round a few local churches and get your name down on some lists. Health visitor run stay and play sessions are more likely to be mums as well.

[heykarumba]

@MoonlightBonnet thanks

[CAG12]

I really feel like a lot of people arent THAT interested in babies that arent theres. I think people say they are, but they're not in reality.

I feel like its the expectation/reality gap that really effects mental health.

I think get out and about, trial a few groups you find. You might have to go through a few until you find a good one for you.

[Mumof21989]

Hiya if you find any great ideas let me know. I feel you. I'm a sahm and I love it but I'm lonely. My mum is up the road but she's abit lazy and not ever the one to put effort in first. She never invites us up or comes to us but then my parents moan if they don't see the kids much.

I have two friends. One works. One is a sahm but we already do the school runs together so we see eachother an hour a day walking. We plan to go for a the odd drink etc on nicer days but right now it gives Rain.

I don't have any hobbies or a career. I can't drive which limits me but I can't afford to drive either. It's a catch 22 situation.

My dream when the kids are older would be to work in a maternity unit but the nearest one is 45 mins away. Sometimes I feel sad that my life is so limited to house and school runs. I wish I was more interesting. I look at other people's lives and wish I could go back and be a confident 18 year old with a plan. I feel I missed alot of opportunities through my confidence back then.

I also get you with grandparents being at the group's etc. That's how it was for us too. It feels like I'm the only one without grandparents chipping in lol x

[heykarumba]

@Mumof21989 you sound like me lol. I can't wait until I get a bit of time left. Just a slither. I will grab it with both hands. We'll get out.

[Mumof21989]

Same here. I would absolutely love to have a little part time something. My son is 2 at the end of December so he's not at school for almost 3 years yet. The trouble I have too is nobody to fall back on. So if my kids are Ill or schools out for summer I'd be stuck. Nobody to have the kids.

I know I will miss it one day but I also wish I could have a better balance now. Baby groups here just were full of people already in groups of friends. They'd sometimes smile at you or briefly speak but that was it. I also like abit of flexibility. So if I can't be bothered every Tuesday at 10am to make it to the church play group I wish I had someone to meet me on a Wednesday lunch etc it that makes sense lol c

[heykarumba]

I feel you. My dh's parents are really helpful thank God for them - they do their best but it's still not enough to enable me to work etc. I would be able to fall back on them if I had a job but getting one that pays enough for me to be able to afford to pay for 2 kids in childcare is the challenge. It's tough being twin parents. Yeah, what's with all these grandparents in mother and toddler groups? To be honest I think we have it tougher than most. Are other people spoilt? Lol

[tappitytaptap]

I have two OP but not twins and I think being a SAHM IS tough - I couldn’t do it, by the end of mat leave both times I was ready to go back!! What did you do before you had them for work? Is there any way you could start something yourself from home related to it? I think we don’t realise how much purpose work gives us sometimes until we are not there!

[Mumof21989]

I think other people are spoilt or lucky haha. I am jealous. It seems to come so naturally to other people's parents but mine just done have the patience. My four year old is painfully shy too and won't speak to my parents for ages. They don't understand she's anxious so I don't go around much anymore as they get on my nerves with their ignorance.

I can imagine with twins it's so hard as you need two of everything and people will struggle to take two babies of your hands. They don't exactly make it easy for mums to go back to work with childcare costs. I don't know about you but this weather change (I presume you are in the UK) is also making it worse. I drop DD off at school then it's home, housework and bored after lunch until collecting her again. At least in spring we can go to the parks and stuff after the drop off. Honestly my life is dull. I really need to get a driving licence so I can have more options x

[ZJSH]

I have 2 young children and feel lonely, I work 2 shifts a week and I find this helps me. Just going to work and chatting about other things and thinking about other things helps me.