For those close to their teenage/older daughters...

[CommonFishDiseases]

...How did it happen? Today I was sitting in a cafe and at the table next to me was this lovely mum and daughter who was about 18 (I assume they were mum and daughter, could have been an aunty I suppose). Their conversation was like best friends, they were gossiping away, catching up and so happy together. I would love to have this kind of respectful open and equal friendship with my DD(8) when she's older. We are close now but I am definitely the parent in charge rather than a BFF. She is a very strong personality and sometimes a challenge. I get on very well with my own DM but the relationship has always been rather formal and polite (albeit very loving) rather than totally open and relaxed How do you grow that kind of familiar easygoing relationship with a DD? Or is it a case of not trying too hard?!

[Starshapeddreams]

My mum and I have a fantastic relationship, nearly always have. She would also have been the 'boss' at home so I don't think that matters. We had a rocky patch in the teen years but I think that's fairly common.
I say don't try to hard, good communication and consistent rules. I always knew I could tell her anything and could ring her anytime to pick me up (not consequence free might I add but I wasn't afraid to call) Sometimes you feel closer than others, but don't force it.
Not sure that helps but I love my relationship with my mum and that's why I think it works. You sound like a great mum, don't put too much pressure on yourself

[bloodywhitecat]

I have a good relationship with my adult daughter but I was definitely mum first and friend second when she was growing up. I did my level best to always listen to her and hear her side but I wasn't afraid to say no if I felt the situation needed it. I have a very difficult relationship with my own mum so I think I just tried to do the polar opposite of how I was raised.

[velocitygirl7]

Another one who has been mum first, friend second.
Dd is 18 and we are very close, she would choose me over all her pals to hang out with (the only exception being clubbing!)
For example she's had a spa day for 2 as a gift and has asked me to come, we enjoy each other's company, have a similar sense of humour and enjoy doing similar things.
She was difficult when she was younger, horrendous at times but I have always put her first, I always told her I loved her everyday and never missed an opportunity to tell her that I was proud of her, even when her behaviour was testing to say the least!
One thing I always did, was always try to see the world through her eyes and adapt my relationship with her as she grew. Eg her love of shopping developed at around 11, so we had a little routine that we'd go into town on my payday weekend and treat ourselves to a few inexpensive things and stop for tea & cake. We did this for years and now this has progressed to a meal and cocktails once a month!
My last tip would be to never sweat the small stuff. Childhood is so short and I'm glad I didn't dwell on things or punish for stuff that really didn't matter. We always ended everyday with a chat and a hug, no matter how foul she had been!
She leaves for uni in September, it will be hard without her ❤️

[Crustytoenail]

My DD is 15 and we have a great relationship on the whole.
despite my other thread moaning about her
As a pp also said, I think the poor relationship with my own mum has made me do things totally different, and I try and see things from her pov. But when no is needed, then I'm firm, but I explain the reasons behind my decision. We have bad times, teens are hard, but I've made it very much a team effort, and I include her in decisions that an adult would normally make - decor in the house rather than just her room for instance, I take her views on board and she and I do those types of things together (sometimes!) She helped totally remodel the garden and chose aspects of it, and worked hard to achieve it. It may be because I'm a single mum, and there's just me and her. I was never involved in anything when I was at home, and I remember feeling not quite a part of the family as I had no input at all. We just did as we were told. I am a parent first though, I don't ever sacrifice parenting her for being her friend, but I think she respects and responds to a firm no, with an explanation of the reasons better to a no because I said so, because I involve and include her in decisions where it's appropriate. I did however overule the suggestion to call the dog Barbara. That wasn't happening!

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

My sister is 21 and I'm 26, we all have a great relationship, the first time my DH met them he said we were more like best friends. Don't get me wrong when I was younger and I needed parented then she did just that, but now that I'm older and self-sufficient she doesn't need to fill that role any more so our relationship changed. I will say that I think part of the reason for us is that my dad wasn't present so it was just the 3 of us.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

My daughters are 23 and 20 and I think we have a very good relationship. We have lovely chats and gossips, enjoy the odd weekend away together etc.

I’ve always been Mum though and DD1 in particular was very much a handful growing up. They say they can always rely on me to have their backs and tell it like it is. I was fairly strict about things like schoolwork and being a decent hardworking person but pretty relaxed about boyfriends and freedom to try new stuff. I’m their biggest cheerleader; I try to always be positive and encouraging.

My girls are fab though, confident and adventurous and have exciting lives and lots of fun.

[stucknoue]

It creeps up, dd and I are off on holiday together soon! My girls still have their moments but can be excellent company especially if I'm paying

[Goforitgirl]

I really hope I get this with mine

The relationship between my mum and I was damaged irreparably in my teenage years and I feel she took everything I did so personally when really I was just being a teen. I hope I don’t do that, take things personally.

[Goodnightjude1]

My eldest DD is 19 and I was 18 when I had her. We are like best friends...it was just me and her for a few years and we got on with life and enjoyed everything together. Although I say we are ‘like best friends’ because we’ll talk openly about anything together, go shopping, chat and text throughout the day etc etc....I am her mum and she respects me as that. She’s never once sworn in front of me or answered me back. I think it’s about getting the right balance. She knows I’d give her my last penny, fight anyone that hurts/upsets her and do anything for her but in return she has to respect me and be honest with me. I’m very lucky to have her 🙂

[TabbyStar]

Same as other people really, having firm boundaries but listening to her and letting her make her own decisions as appropriate for her age. Not negating her feelings, not being judgemental, not getting cross over inconsequential things. Hanging out and having fun. The how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk books are excellent around how to build this sort of relationship.

[Thirtyysomething]

I feel that I have a good relationship with my DD but a little more strained recently (she’s approaching 15) so I have had to start being “really strict” as she would say about what she gets up to but I’m sure once we are through the next couple of years we will have a great relationship. I make “us” time, I listen but I don’t find all the teenage drama easy!

[chipsnmayo]

DD (21) and I have always had a really strong relationship, we are really close, maybe because we have only had each other - I raised her a single parent for most of her life, so its just been the two of us.

She has a busy social life but she always makes time for me -lots of coffee dates, she always invites me around for dinner at her flat, we had a nice holiday together at the start of the year.

I was a pretty relaxed parent but she was a fairly easy going teen, I didn't let her get away with murder but so long as she followed my two golden rules 1) she did her homework 2) told me where she was and what time she would be back.

I definitely picked my battles, she was well behaved, streetwise and kept on top of homework, plus had a part time job and played sport so I let stuff slide - I didn't nag on school uniform (god knows how she didn't get that many detention for breaking uniform code constantly), she could wear make up / piercings, she was allowed to drink when she started 6th Form, I didn't set boundaries on screen time etc.

It probably helps that it was only me making those decisions, I can't imagine ex agreeing to any of those...

[CommonFishDiseases]

Crustytoenail I really get what you're saying about family decision making... when I was growing up we just did as we were told. It didn't feel like our preferences were in any way important. You can't just magic up a "best friends relationship" after years of that. I'm trying to include DD in decisions (within reason) so that we feel like a family team

[CommonFishDiseases]

goforitgirl I hope you do too Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom

[nomushrooms]

Just relax and be a mum, don’t try too hard. Keep your own life and interests so she has someone to look up to.

I love my own mum, but find it difficult to spend too much time with her as she’s needy, depressive and overbearing. Constantly bemoans my dad’s affair (nearly 30 years ago) and my close relationship with him.

My sister and I see her more as someone that we need to keep an eye on than a friend. With DD I hope to be much stronger a person so she we can develop a more equal relationship.

[YeOldeTrout]

I'm closer with DD than I was with my mum... how do you know if you're close? DD would come to me with any important problem. I know some don't achieve that. I felt like I was a disappointment to my mother.

Oh, ho hum. I let her have her own opinion & make her own mistakes. Encourage her to always think things thru, though. I always try to listen when she wants to talk, even if it's difficult, I listen.

[ContactLight]

My lovely dd took me out yesterday afternoon to a cafe for tea and cake, she's wonderful and I love her to bits. She said she wanted to have a catch-up chat because we don't spend so much time together now.