Feeling unloved

[GGS01]

I have a 1 year old boy and I have been his primary care taker since his birth. I took off work for the past 1 year and have been with him 24/7. But he prefers his dad over me. I have given up so much for him and all he wants is to be with his dad. My husband spends 2 - 3 hrs with him in the evening and the rest of day he is with me. He literally pushes me away if I go near him when he is with his dad. It hurts so bad to be rejected this way.

I know kids go through phases of prefering one parent over the other but he has always preferred his dad over me. I have tried to think of why that could be but I have always loved him. I never used to get angry until his birth and now the smallest things can set me off.

It's not just with the baby, I feel like I lost my relationship with my husband too. We were really good friends before we had our baby and enjoyed spending time together. But now we hardly talk about anything other than the baby, it's been more than a year since we have been intimate with each other and we live like roommates.

I feel like my husband gained a new relationship with the baby and I am left all alone. I don't have any family or friends nearby either. I feel like I am being used by my baby and my husband to get their needs taken care of.

[crazychemist]

This is (unfortunately) totally normal. Your husband has novelty value, you are there all the time. This is actually quite healthy - your DS is confident enough of your love and constant presence that he doesn’t have to be demonstrative. I’m afraid you’ll see more of this!

Can you focus on having some time to yourself when DS is with your DH? You must be exhausted doing the care the rest of the time. My DH has regular times he takes DD out each week (she’s now nearly 3, but this has been our set up since she was a year old), and I REALLY value those times!

Do you get any time alone with your DH? You need to care for your relationship when you have a child. I know it’s reslly hard, and it doesn’t have to be going out if you don’t have childcare, but is DS a reasonable sleeper?

Please bear in mind you are probably physically and emotionally exhausted. It won’t always be this tough.

[GGS01]

Sadly my baby is not a very predictable sleeper and so we don't get any time to ourselves. My husband doesn't seem to be too worried even though I brought up the issue of our distance a couple of times. He seems to think it's common with all couples having a baby and it will just pass. I just hope our relationship isn't totally destroyed by the time my son becomes independent enough to not need us constantly.

[crazychemist]

Sorry to hear that. It’s very tough when they don’t sleep well, my DD was a terrible sleeper and it puts a huge strain on everything.

Some distance is totally normal. You have a whole new person in your family, and a very demanding one (all of them are, I don’t mean just yours). As he gets older it gets a LOT easier to get time to yourselves as a couple. My DD having a reliable bedtime and staying solidly asleep most of the time was a complete game changer for me and DH.

Have you given up work totally, or will you be returning? I felt so much more myself once I went back to work, even though it was only two days a week.