Please tell me how to stop shouting (screeching)

[Charliehummana]

Please be gentle with me. I couldn't hate myself much more than I already do. I'd be so grateful for any words of wisdom.

I've just (for the second time in a week) really, really screamed at DS7 to the point that I now feel sick.

It starts with a small row, he loses his rag really fast, and hard as I try I can't help but eventually completely flip.

I start just raising my voice and end up horrendous. Right in his face screeching and yelling trying to shock him out of it. Saying things I never want to say to him out of sheer fury.
The whole time he's just screaming right back at me. I can feel myself shaking with rage but I'm also so close to just bursting into tears the whole time. I can't bear it.

I start each row with the best intentions but when he starts I just can't control my emotions. My heart races and I feel almost panic stricken in the moment.

He flies off the handle about anything and everything, wildly overreacting to the slightest thing he doesn't like or agree with. And it just pushes my buttons so hard. It makes my feel anxious and fraught and I lose my temper.

I don't want to be this person, I don't want him to remember these moments.

It's utterly utterly awful and I'm so ashamed and sad. He's fallen asleep and I'm sitting sobbing on the sofa.

Has anyone felt like this and managed to stop themselves somehow? I think I might have to phone the doctor and see if I can get some help somehow.
For me, if not for him. I can't keep doing this.

[octonoughtcake3]

I think you do need to see the GP and speak to your HV. It maybe that it’s your behaviour which is making him act this way.

[cestlavielife]

Really?
You start rows with a 7 year old?
Any time you want to start a row leave the room and take 10 breaths.

Go to gp and ask for a referral for some therapy and or parenting classes...
Have you always been this angry? Or us it new?

[mummmy2017]

He is 7... Go to another room...
Yes walking away is best, as he can't scream at you if your not there

[Charliehummana]

Thanks for the replies.

I promise that my behaviour is only in response to his, and that I hold off as long as I can.

I never "start" it - of course not. I'd never pick a row with him. I spend most of my time trying desperately to avoid them!

I'd never even raised my voice to him nor in front of him to someone else until his rages became so hard to stay calm through.

I do try calmly walking away, he follows me ranting and raving and throwing things/himself around, even pushing me sometimes (not very hard).

It's pretty impossible not to rise to it at times

[Zebedee88]

Definitely got to your GP, you might need some help, someone to talk to , learn parenting techniques etc from. Also, how was your childhood? How did your parents bring you up?

[Charliehummana]

@cestlavielife no absolutely not. I've never started a row with him - not anyone else in my life for that matter.

I am the most easy going upbeat and happy person, and I guess like many people I do have a temper if pushed. If it weren't him pushing my buttons though I doubt I'd be mad even once a year!

The rest of my parenting I think / hope is fine. It's just my inability to keep calm when he goes berserk it of nowhere that I'm struggling with.

[Ariela]

Start by praising every single 'good' thing he does. eg 'I love it when you play so quietly by yourself with your cars' (ignore the fact he just spent 10 minutes screeching about something) Or 'Aren't you good for putting your toy x back on the shelf (ignore the rest of the room), I'm so pleased with you for starting to keep your room more tidy'

And you'll soon find yourself just praise praise praising him and there's nothing to ignore.
Generally most children want to please and seek approval constantly, so by reinforcing the 'good' by singing his praises then the bad largely disappears.

[fruitbrewhaha]

Oh crumbs, it sounds bad OP. Lots of us have lost our rag with our DCs, they can be really anoying. What importtant to understand, although seems illogical, is that they can seek out negative attention.

You have to find a way to calm down, leave the room, lock yourself in the loo, take a breather and you must refuse to engage in this way with him. Even if it means going back and forth. You need to knock this pattern of him getting this negative attention from you on the head.

Then you need to find ways of giving him your attention in a positive way. Play with him. Take him out for walks, or to the park.

Good luck

[Flamingosnbears]

Try going on the super nanny website she gives some great ideas of what to do when perents are in your position

[Beechview]

Go through what happened to set off the last argument and how it escalated.
There might be a ‘tipping point’ where it suddenly gets out of hand.

Remember that you’re meant to be on his side. Sometimes it’s easy to get into an argument when you could by sympathetic.

Have a look at ahaparenting. I find it very helpful and have learnt a lot.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/conversations-kids

[Flamingosnbears]

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.supernanny.co.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwi46fTv9ffhAhUVVRUIHfemBm8QFjAeegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw2LTeuClvDygDnI7K9yA4tl" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.supernanny.co.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwi46fTv9ffhAhUVVRUIHfemBm8QFjAeegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw2LTeuClvDygDnI7K9yA4tl

[Bluntness100]

Op you need to stop blaming your child and take some personal responsibility here, he's mimicking your behaviour. If you modelled calm and upbeat that's what he'd be. He's doing what he's learned from you.

Take personal responsibility, stop saying it's his fault, he starts it. He's seven. And go see your doctor.

[Vagchange]

Is it partly anxiety as to why he’s acting this way? Is it the kind of frequency and intensity that you think there might be a developmental condition?

Granted your behaviour is not okay, but it’s also more frequent amongst parents who are dealing with children with high level needs - at-least until you can understand it a bit better and put strategies in place for both of you.

[cestlavielife]

You can control.yourself...teach yourself to talk quietly to him even when he is screaming.
You scream he screams...he learns from.you.
Tell yourself to stop think and take ten breaths. And walk away.
And get behaviour advice specific to ypur child.

[Vagchange]

It’s not always true though is it that kids who have constantly calm parents mimic the same behaviour? Not if there’s something else at play.

[Bluntness100]

No of course not if there is something else at play. But the answer is still to role model good behaviour. And if there isn't anything else at play then he's simply doing as he was taught. It's a learned behaviour.

[whitechocolatefingers]

I'm

[cestlavielife]

There is nothing to.be gained from.screeching at a child.

ABA approach for severely autistic children never uses screeching to teach
..positive reinforcement yes.
Calm firm voice yes.
But not screeching or shouting which shows lack of self control from the adult (or a choice from the adult to behave that way)

[cestlavielife]

Child about to run into road in front of car..sure that s an exception when a shout or screech might be needed...day to day behaviour no.
Look to address the behaviour
Learn to stay calm.

[cestlavielife]

Have a look at authoratative parenting
www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-become-a-more-authoritative-parent-4136329

[stayathomer]

OP there's a lot of lucky people here who have never had a child push their but tons. But his behaviour is probably coming from you or someone in the house/ him sensing stress/ trying to get attention. You do need to remember his age and start treating him as y oiu probably would if he was much younger so praising him out of the blue, treating him and spoiling him a little when he does something good. When an argument comes up you need to take deep breaths and talk and I swear it'll work. My d's senses me losing it and he jumps for showing, tears etc. You also need to calm down in daily life, the happier and more calm the house is, the more calm he'll be. If this means you get out for a walk every day, take a nice shower etc it has to be done.Best of luck OP

[stayathomer]

Showing was meant to be shouting!!

[EducatingArti]

Try joining the therapeutic parenting page on Facebook. It is aimed at parenting children with trauma but techniques can be good with other children too. It is good at supporting parents too, helping you find time to care for yourself and also work out why your buttons are being pressed.