Should it be this hard??

[ColourMeExhausted]

I should start by saying I'm not a new parent. DD is 3.9, DS is 17 months. So I've had a few years to get used! I'm just finding it all incredibly hard going at the moment. Both DC have recently had chicken pox, DS got it very badly. It's affected their sleep (and they've never been great sleepers) and DH and I are utterly exhausted. They are both grumpy too, which is understandable but hard going after another stupidly tiring day.

I work 4 days, DH is full time. Life is just constant. Work, kids, chores and repeat. We have no nearby childcare, recently my DF had a bad accident so that's been a big worry and selfishly, it means he and DM are less able to come up and help with child care.

DH and I barely have a relationship. There is no time for romance, date nights are a rarity, we are just surviving.

I feel constantly exhausted, keep reaching for the junk food , try to keep exercising but am gaining weight and it's depressing me.

Looking back at this I can see it's just been a very tough time. I just don't feel I have the strength to keep on coping with it all sometimes, it's bloody relentless. Of course I adore my DC and they light up my world. But I really wish it could get easier and it isn't. It actually felt like it was easier when DS was smaller, now he's a toddler he is into absolutely everything and it's non stop all day.

I look round at others and it seems they are all coping better and making it look a lot easier. Their DC go to bed on time, sleep through, eat their meals, behave in public. By contrast I feel a mess. I know I shouldn't compare and you can't tell what other people are going through, I do get that but argh!

Think I just needed to vent...

[ColourMeExhausted]

Anyone? Lying here awake again because DS won't sleep, again. Full day of work a head. Feeling desperate.

[Alicewond]

Here for you op :) you do seem strong

[skukuza]

Hi OP. That all sounds so tough, hang in there. I have no real wisdom to offer but it will get better. 'This too shall pass'.

[Aria999]

I wrote most of a reply but the app crashed on me 😡. Will try and make this short!

Hugs and sympathy. Suggestions: if you can afford it, babysitter, date night every 2 weeks.

Otherwise, DH and you give each other evenings off. Evening yoga class or something?

[Aria999]

Can you do some gentle sleep training now the DCs are I've the chicken pox?

Be gentle on yourself and try and prioritize giving yourself a break 🙂

[Aria999]

are over not 'are I've'...

[Flaxmeadow]

Chickenpox with 2 DC at that age is hard. Not just physically draining but mentally as well. The stress is enormous if you think about it, especially when they are too young to properly communicate their aches and pains. Sleep disruption, off food, all those things that turn routines upside down. It takes time but hope you are all on the mend soon.

[PlatypusLeague]

Don't worry, you are doing really well! Being a parent of two very small children does take a lot of energy, moreso with no nearby family support. Your experience sounds pretty normal - hard work, but no, you're not the only one going through this stage.

Who looks after the children when you're both working? Could the children stay for an extended day once or twice a week to give you a break? Sometimes nursery staff also do babysitting work, separately from their main job. Is there someone there you could ask now and again?

Is there anything you can "outsource" such as hiring a cleaner?

If possible try to keep some healthier snacks around, so that you might reach for those instead of the junk stuff. Perhaps take vitamins if you aren't already, drink lots of water etc.

Take care of yourself and cut corners if you need to. No-one will mind if you make a microwave dinner instead of making a complicated recipe, or don't iron everyone's socks.

You are doing fine!

[RhubarbCrumbled]

I'm here OP! I could have written your post just now so thank you for doing it. I completely understand the treadmill feeling. I work full time and no partner. The only advice I can offer is to be easy on yourself because that's the only thing that's helping me atm! That and my cleaner - she's an utter godsend and the best £25 a week I spend!

I'm also trying to slow down and concentrate on one thing at a time and doing it properly. And ignoring stuff that isn't urgent. So i make sure we eat well but all the clean clothes and linen are sitting in baskets and it's not particularly tidy. And I try to do one thing a day that only I want to do (a run, a craft) even for 30 mins. My weight is up and down depending on the week I'm having (going up atm).

TBH last week my manager pulled me into her office as she could see I was unhappy and offered up advice to be kinder to myself. That's really helped and given me permission to do it. So I'm trying and it's helping.

[extrastrongnosugar]

Sorry to hear that is a few shitty cards you got dealt there.
Your kids are old enough to have a babysitter, is it possible to find someone nice just for once a week?
On that day your husband can put them to bed alone and you could get back from work, have an hour to yourself and go right to bed catch up on sleep.

Believe me, it will change everything.
Sleep deprivation is torture and you must get help so if hubby cant step in, please, take care of yourself as well.

If not for yourself then because you are the well

[ColourMeExhausted]

Thank you all. Reading these this morning has really helped and made me feel less alone. Most of my friends have babies that sleep well so it can be hard not to feel isolated!

Tbf to DH he does his equal share, now i am no longer breastfeeding DS (stopped at 13 months). I did the past two nights as he did two before that. Yes we have to do shifts, it's desperate do not ask me when the last time we shared a bed was...

We do have a cleaner so that is a huge help!

Regarding babysitting, I have had offers from friends which I'm grateful for. But the DC still need us to put them to bed (the grandparents have done only both of them at bedtime once), and by the time they are down (usually 8pm, sometimes later, especially as DS has taken to waking lots again) we are just too darn exhausted to go anywhere!! I know it will change, it will get easier, we're just in a very bad patch right now. And if one of us has 'time off' we feel guilty about the other one!

[ColourMeExhausted]

Kids are in nursery during the day.

@rhubarb wow I feel bad complaining when you are doing it all yourself! Sounds like you are doing an impressive job. Really glad your manager said that to you.

[Caterina99]

Hi op. My kids are very similar ages, although I’m a sahm and they mostly sleep ok and Im completely exhausted. Hats off to you juggling work too cos I don’t know how you do it.

I feel it’s an assault on all sides. My DS never stops talking, can be naughty and full of energy and so demanding of attention. And my DD is 18m and adorable but into everything and the tantrums are starting now

Spending quality time with one usually means the other one is either watching a screen or climbing all over me trying to be involved. Or DH and I take one each so there’s little break for either of us at the weekends. We have no family here to help.

I’m now at the stage where I’m hiring a local babysitter (teenager) for a few hours on a weekend afternoon once a month or so just to play with the kids so we can get away from them. Then bedtime is not required. We can get an early dinner out somewhere and the babysitter gives them chicken nuggets or whatever easy meal I’ve left for her and then we’re back for bedtime. I feel like those few hours on a weekend really help my sanity

[Aria999]

You could try getting a babysitter to put them to bed. You might be pleasantly surprised!

We first tried at 9 months and it was a train wreck but from around 2 DS just didn't bat an eyelid. To begin with I left our babysitter a detailed list of bedtime routine instructions but now I mostly just let her get on with it. DS is 3, we have a long term occasion babysitter I hired through care.com.

[HalfStar]

Hey OP, you're in the trenches right now. To me your experience sounds normal - which is yes UTTERLY exhausting. I too get spooked by other families that seem to have loads of energy and a life! I think that the secret there is local family support may play a role.

Just wanted to say chicken pox x 2 is hell but now it's time to congratulate yourselves for getting through it, you won't need to do it again! Also things might feel a bit easier now that winter is over. Winter with small children and viruses etc is hell.

Yoga class once a week is a great suggestion. As is getting a nursery worker to babysit,you might be pleasantly surprised. Don't suppose either of you can work a bit less? That's the biggie. Anyway - hang in there.