Parenting 14 year old reclusive teen! HELP!

[tam74]

Hi fellow mumsnet users, just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat as me as i'd love some advice.

I have a dear teenager (DT) who is a great kid, but spends 80-90% of his time in his room, on his device watching mostly Netflix and YouTube. He's not interested in socialising with friends, or even spending time with family when we go out on family outings. He just wants to be alone. He only comes out to eat and shower.

He generally seems well, healthy and ok and his grades at school are of no concern. He is social and friendly with is siblings and not irritable, angry or in a bad mood.

Should I be concerned about his mental health, or is this a teenage phase that is surely to pass?

Looking forward to some feedback,

[MrsPatmore]

I would recommend a book called something like 'Mum and Dad get out of my life - but first take me and Alex into town'. It explains the psychology of developing teens and time alone is a natural and healthy development at this age. He doesn't sound withdrawn or depressed but I would try to limit the screen time.

[tam74]

Ok thanks for that, i'll look into that.

[wineusuallyhelps]

I'm in a similar position with my DS (apart from the bit about staying in his room...he tends to keep coming down to see the rest of us at regular intervals!).

I also wondered about mental health, but hoping it's a normal phase as he doesn't seem unhappy.

I'm not sure whether to encourage him into activities, or whether me 'keeping on' will have the opposite effect. Anyone have any advice?

[Peanutbuttercups21]

Mine (15) is like that, he has friends but prefers to talk to them whilst gaming (together), if a friend comes to our house they can't game together iyswim as only one PC

He goes to the cinema maybe twice a year, and if he is not on his PC he plays guitar...in his room

I think it is normal

I make him walk the dog twice a week or send him to the shop so he gets out of the house!

[Beechview]

Do you eat meals together or have times to chat?

As long as he spends some time connecting with family and friends and you’re not worried about him being addicted to tech or being unhappy, I think it sounds fairly normal.

[tam74]

Yes we do eat meals together and i really try to make an effort to include him in the conversation. He just cant wait to finish and get back to what he was doing.

I always make a point of asking him what he'd like to do when it comes time to the weekend and making sure he feels included, validated and important. We have had a few one on one chats recently and he's just told me he's happy to just stay at home and be on his own. Perhaps he really does just enjoy his own company?

I guess all I can do is keep letting him know how much he's loved, appreciated and wanted and that's all, yeah?

I've also tried to encourage him to get out and perhaps starts thinking about a part time job...thought it might be good for the soul, as well as encourage him to be more responsible, independent etc. But it seems he's just not ready. Will revisit this issue down the track.

[Rosie342]

Up until about 15 I spent all my time alone pretty much. I didn't have many friends and was a bit of a loner. At 15 I started going out, made more friends and ended up hating being indoors. Don't worry, he might so what I did and end up a social butterfly.

[SmellyNelly2018]

I was a bit like that Rosie342 until similar age.
DS 14 has been more and more like that recently. He will come with us to some places depending where we are going/what we are doing and if their is some nice food involved as he is a bit of a foodie and is always starving. But most nights after school he is straight on his phone, iPad or XBOX. I joke that I could have a heart attacking in front of him and he wouldn’t look up he is so in the zone. I feel he plays XBOX far too much. He seems to go through phases sometimes he has small bursts of being sociable and thoughtful with us and has bursts of meeting up with various school friends but also bursts of wanting his own company and that of the XBOX, IPAd and phone. He seems to be doing ok at school (he’s at a grammar) but I think he’s coasting but fed up trying to motivate him it just leads to arguments also I don’t want him to get too burnt out before his GCSE’s so I’m hoping he can put the effort in when it’s required. He is bloody lazy though. His bedroom is a complete tip and simple requests like please could you put your school shoes away, feed the dog, put the recycling out, go to the shop for some milk are all met with um in a minute (which never comes) unless I completely loose the plot.

[tam74]

So good to hear (or read) i'm not alone here! Mr. 14 year old does feed the dog every night, I gotta say that. Heaven forbid the dog should miss out on attention from him...and his bedroom? Well you know what? I"ve given up on that one because unless there's motivation to clean it, he wont. In other words, if wants clean socks and undies, he can go do a load of washing himself. Which to his credit he does. So, if he wants to dump his clean clothes on his bedroom floor, what can I do? We have to pick and choose our battles, right? If he wants to get fed at night with a home cooked dinner, he can come downstairs for dinner and help me unload the dishwasher. (how else do I get to see the boy, right?) One thing I cant get him to do, is pee INSIDE the damn toilet and NOT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR!!!!!!!! lol... maybe that's best left for another post...

[MrsPatmore]

Well the peeing on the floor is a battle I would fight as it's unhygienic and anti social - I'd try to nip that behaviour in the bud!

[tam74]

I think you misunderstood, my goodness, let me clarify! what I meant was he does pee in the toilet, but the aiming is not exactly 100%, and there is always some back splash which ends up on the floor...he never intentionally pees on the floor! lol....

[tam74]

I think any mum who has boys that pee standing up knows where I'm coming from here?