Problems with dd and her dad

[helenkaysmummy]

First time posting and I really don't know where to begin I have a 8 year old dd and a 6 month old dd my youngest is teething so constantly grumpy but that's another story lol I'm no longer with dd1s dad haven't been for about 7 years and on Friday he picked her up from school and took her to the park I made use of the time by fitting in a bit of exercise (a bit too much) when he dropped her home he said that she feels like she doesn't get time with me without my youngest which isn't entirely true but he carried on to say heed told her I will try n take her park over the weekend (just make plans for me yanooo as you do 😡) but anyway I said we will try and go park weather depending but the next morning I woke up barely able to walk around the house overdid the exercise

So I said will see how I'm feeling tomorrow but you can play on the green as long as other children are there too (we live on a cul-de-sac and I've only recently felt comfortable letting her play out of the garden) the next day came and if anything I felt worse walking round the house like a penguin so I said well go as soon as my legs are better. With that she storms into her room and messages her dad on her Xbox saying mum's not taking me park now and he messages back its OK don't worry I'll pick u up after school and take you. Now to me that didn't sit well so I msged him saying I don't want her going to the park tomoz as she's had quite an attitude with me as it was that day I said I'm going to take her after school in the week if she behaves

Tbh I don't really know how to explain the situation so I don't sound like an idiot her dad has her two nights every two weeks and let's her stay up late so when she comes home she struggles to go to bed at an appropriate time for a Sunday night he let's her eat what ever she wants if she wants sausage rolls and cheese strings for tea that's what she gets he takes her out every weekend to Costa, milkshake bars ect and while it is nice for her it gives her the assumption that she doesn't have to work for anything and that normal life is going out all the time like parents have unlimited money and time obv I'm on maternity leave atm dp works a lot so I basically live like a single mum my dd2 is teething and won't be entertained by anything longer than 2-3 mins my days go in a blur of housework bottles nappies sterilising sorting food for both kids doing shopping on foot and god knows what else dd is very extroverted and has a stinking attitude she'll say little things that incinuate how much fun she has with her dad and how boring I am but it's always in sneaky little ways where I'd look rediculous to point it out I no it sounds mad but if people could be a fly on the wall they would see she can be very calculated and manipulative she sais and does things to get the responses she wants surely this isn't normal for an 8 year old also she's very good at putting on the poor me act when other people are around e.g other parents if one mentions a day trip there planning she will say something like my mum hasn't taken me anywhere in ages or my mum never foes fun things with me it's humiliating and frustrating I mite not do as much as her dad but he's a single bloke and only has her once a fortnight I'm a mum of two with a house to run and really it's untrue we went shopping for clothes last weekend for the holiday (I've booked a holiday for this summer) I do her hair paint her nails we do drawings together but nothing I ever do is good enough compared to her dad litteraly the sun shines out his ass will I've spent countless nights crying because I feel like a failure yet at the same time I can't help feeling like him spoiling her rotten is just to highlight how much better he is he treats her like he's a friend rather than he's a parent litteraly let's her do what she wants doesn't really disapline her I'm at my wits end any advice would be appreciated thanks in advance xxxx p. S sorry if this post is rambley trying to do it b4 dd2 wakes up xx

[Andro]

Firstly OP, have an unmumsnetty hug and - you have a lot going on.

Your DD1's dad is being a disney dad - all the fun and none of the actual parenting - there's not much you can do about it during his contact time.

You have a small baby, your DD1 probably does feel as though she little/no quality 1-2-1 with you (side effect of teething baby) and maybe a bit jealous and pushed out. She probably also feels let down about the park, it's not her fault that her dad overstepped and she's probably seeing 'weather dependent' being changed and the goalposts moving.

Sneaky/manipulative/poor me? All traits employed by 8yo children, undesirable and need dealing with but certainly not uncommon. There's also an aspect that you are her constant, so you get the worst of her. She is sure that you are not going to leave her, so she feels safe to push. All you can do is emphasise that your house and dad's house have different rules, then call her on her attitude/remove privileges because she's showing you that she's not mature enough/etc...basically find her currency.

The other thing I would suggest is to find some time when you can hand your baby over to her dad and spend some time with DD1, try and get her to talk freely (even if it hurts) about what she's feeling.

[helenkaysmummy]

Thank you so much for commenting I did have a little chat with her last night my partner had dd2 and I explained to her that I'm sorry we couldn't go but will arange to go thru the week and also that it wasn't right of her dad to tell her b4 consulting me her words were he told her he would make sure I take her which I explained is wrong and that although I want to he's not aloud to "make sure" I do anything as he's not my parent I then went on to explain that I understand she wanted to tell her dad that we're not going but feel like he gets told every detail of our home life yet I don't know much about there time. She said she wants to tell me but he tells her not to which set of some alarm bells I told her it's not right for him to suggest she with holds stuff/ lies about things she then went on to tell me that he often loses his temper and sais horrible things like calling her thick stupid and dumb for silly things like tripping over or falling for what appears to be a scam (a game she plays had a pop up offering free game money if you enter your password) we had a really good heart to heart and she sais she understands that I do a lot for her and care for her even pointing out that I cook different proper meals and at her dad's it's either yoghurt and cheese strings or tuna mayo n sweetcorn pasta or sandwiches she said she nos the things and rules she is given with me shows I love her even if she doesn't always like it ( bedtimes chores ect) I feel like the conversation was am eye opener but created as many new issues as it solved I'm not sure what to do with what she's told me she also said her dad only punishes her for my benefit and that usually he makes threats of with holding privilages without following thru

He is a compulsive lier and I don't want it rubbing off on her bit of back ground info
I was 14 when we met he told me he was 19 I found out 6 months into the relationship that he was actually 21 as I found his ID card by this point I was 15 and pregnant he told me if I didn't get an abortion he would leave me so I told him to leave then he came back later the same day saying sorry stupid as I was I let him back that's when the abuse started mental physical the works after two and a half years we split up when I found he had been with my cousin for almost a year behind my back he had cheated multiple times but that was the final straw despite his way towards me though he was always a doting dad but I guess her getting older getting a bit of an attitude and being capable of critical thinking has shocked him and now his bullying side is coming out she still wants to go to his but got upset and made me promise not to tell him what she's told me as she said there will be repercussions as he's told her not to say anything and that he's sorry I also told her that a sorry is only ment of the person learns fro. It and doesn't do it again xx p.s sorry for the ramble xx

[Andro]

He's abusing her - that swing between disney dad to verbal abuse and back again via apologies? That's the classic abuse cycle.

Telling her not to tell you and her being scared of repercussions? Alarms bells left, right and centre - not least because she's not that far away from puberty and her dad's already demonstrated sexually predatory behaviour with a child (yes, you were a child and what he did was very wrong). He's grooming her to stay quiet about verbal and emotional abuse, the cynic in me asks what else he has planned!

As a first step I would call the NSPCC for some advice, probably followed by your DD's school - you need to take the lead because while what she is saying is entirely understandable, she doesn't have the life experience to make the right judgements.

[IveGotNoClothes]

Not sure really, at least he's being a dad.

Secondly, you aren't "like" a single mum.....your partner comes home to you after he's finished work.

Single mums don't have that.

[helenkaysmummy]

When I say like a single mum I just mean my partner often works 7 days a week doing two jobs so all housework shopping ect is on me he does occasionally do a bottle or nappy but 99% is obv on me cuz of his working hours and andro I have had some concerns about that so I've always made sure she knows private parts are private and try to give her opertunitys to talk and insist on honesty she sais she's worried her dad would get into trouble if she tells me how he talks to her sometimes so I promised I would keep it to myself in order to gain her trust as I don't want her to feel like she can't trust me obv this confidentiality has its limits. In some ways I still feel like that scared girl I was when I was with him and find it hard to break out of that no physically just emotionaly I no heed never lay a finger on me now (I'd like to c him try) but when I was with him if we had a fight and I went to ring the police he'd say that dd1s would be taken away from me looking back I no that was rediculous but at the time I believed it and I guess I'm still worried about things like that e.g if me and my current partner have an argument he finds out about it and I'm scared he would use that against me I no every couple argues and its part of life but I feel he would twist it and use it its rediculous that after 7 years of not being together I still feel this way I think I've also grown up with a bad outlook on social services it's always in the news ect them getting things wrong and I worry about getting them involved what if they say I should have never let him have contact and should have brought it up sooner and take dcs away for me not acting sooner friends and family say I'm over thinking it and it'll be fine but I can't help feeling anxious about it all I wish I could just stop the contact and not have to answer to courts ect parents are told to be parents and raise there children in certain ways yet when it comes down to it we really don't have much rights or that's how it feels sorry for another 10 page essay lol x

[UnRavellingFast]

At first I thought you were a little bit U simply because the one to one with her is a must and sod the aching legs (sorry!) but then I read on and am shocked to the core about his behaviour and the secrecy emotional abuse cycle and his grooming of you when you were a child. I would put this before police and social workers immediately and stop unaccompanied contact via their offices - or not you doing it or it will look vengeful. You have to protect your dd very urgently here. Very worrying situation. Good luck op.

[helenkaysmummy]

Thank you for your comment and soz to be stupid but I don't understand what you mean with the last bit from where you say or not you doing it sorry xx

[helenkaysmummy]

Thank you all for your comments it's Really helpful I think it's reaferming what I no in a way but I sometimes struggle to trust my own judgement and worry about taking action for fear of making mistakes I think I have a lot more emotional damage from that relationship than I realised and don't want the same for dd I have thought of cutting contact but don't want dd to resent me for it as she's confided on me but asked me not to do anything I don't want her to regret her honesty but at the same time I want her to know him talking to her like that isn't right or good for her emotional well being she really looks up to him and takes after him in a lot of way and I'm looked at as the boring rule inforcing parent and I don't want to push her towards him even more I do think I need to speak to someone I have to make a docs app for her eczema so perhaps speak to the gp xx

[Chinesecrested]

I think UnravellingFast is right and dd1's health and safety has to be your priority. It is possible to stop contact, or at least insist on supervised contact at a contact centre. Speak to police/social services then you can say that it was their decision, not yours.

[UnRavellingFast]

@helenkaysmummy sorry meant to say - ie not you doing it yourself, so you can't be accused of just being vengeful.

[UnRavellingFast]

Yes agree with @Chinesecrested - if you have it in writing if she blames you, you will be able to say it was your moral duty as a parent to protect her from potential damage and the authorities agreed with you.

Nothing like this but I left my abusive ex recently and thing that helped 'give me permission' (I think us survivors of abuse may find it hard to believe ourselves or give ourselves permission and that's why we stay or go along with stuff when others are screaming 'don't!!' Iyswim!) oops rambled sorry...

yeah the thing that gave me permission was my dd's counsellor telling me if I didn't remove us from ex, she would be obliged to recommend action from social services. I think SS can do a lot of good and so can police. Just report and let them deal with it.

[shammy1b]

I think you should retalk again with dd and make sure she knows that what her dad has been doing is borderline abuse or in my eyes just plain abuse standard but then reassure her that nothing he does will affect her in anyway because you have her back and maybe just maybe sarrange a time for you all to sit n hash it out altogether and bo matter what she says to him you reassure her that you will stick up for her but in long run i dont think he will change and just start taking it out on her more but then she will realise what a wanker he is n then u will have to step in n pick up pieces but at least in long run she will appreciate that mom did step up and have her back..been there got t shirt and my kids respect back once they realised what a waster he was..picked them up for 2 hours twice a week took them to his moms for tea n barely spoke to them just cussed them while i was sat at home thinking they having fab time esp when they came back bragging until we Sat N talked about what really went down..i cussed him out bad and told him my kids are more important than his shit feelings n never to treat them like am ass cause i will kick off and shame him..and thats what i done on social media..i wouldn't suggest the shaming on social pkatforms but i was at my wits end n my kids came first regardless if whether they thought i shouldnt say anything..everything sweet now and he now understands that i was the worse baby mother to pick to try and mess with lol..good luck OP

[helenkaysmummy]

Thank you all for your replies I'm going to speak to her teacher to see if they can offer some support and advice and shammy1b I completely get where your coming from I feel like I want to high five him, in the face, with a chair lol xx

[UnRavellingFast]

@helenkaysmummy ha I get you on that one! The anger builds up when we're always keeping the bloody peace for everyone else's sake!