Miscarriage, too big an age gap, I'm feeling old, wishing I'd started sooner

[Whenisittimeforwine]

The above really. DS is 2 years and 2 months old and last month we found out I was pregnant. DH has been wanting to try for number 2 for about the last year but I just kept saying I wasn't ready. I couldn't imagine the idea of welcoming another baby when DS was still crawling around in nappies.

We started trying in Jan and got pregnant first time (!) - shock all round and I was feeling quite ambivalent about the pregnancy (not ready, guilt about DS etc) but sadly it was not meant to be and I had a mmc last week. I've now gone from not being ready for another baby to being desperate to be pregnant and absolutely beating myself up for not trying sooner. Why have I waited so long?!! I'm 38, I'll be 39 at the end of this year, I've totally not factored in the age thing, there'll be a minimum 3 year age gap between DS and second baby and that's if I get pregnant straight away, I'm grieving so badly - if we'd have just started trying a year ago I wouldn't have any of these worries.

I look at DS now and, unlike last year when I couldn't picture it, I now think he'd love a sibling along side him and this isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Just feeling so despondent and sad and regretful.

Can anyone help me with feeling better about this? I'm ok about the miscarriage - I'm philosophical about it, it was very early and obviously wasn't meant to be. I'm just sad about where this leaves me with time ever ticking, I'm getting older, the age gap is getting bigger and I'm in a right old mess.

Please help me see that it's not all bad!

xx

[PerfectlyDone]

I am sorry you are going through this - it is properly shit

IME and IMO there are not 'best' age gaps for children (my gaps are 1 year, 4 years and 2 years).
I had DS1 aged 37, and DS4 a few weeks before my 44th birthday.
I had had 3 MMCs before I had DS 1 (then another one in the 4 year gap).

It is not all bad (well, you did ask).

You either try again or you decide that the cost is too high and you don't try again. Really, there is no halfway house here, is there?

Give yourself some time to grieve what could have been and now will not be, and made a decision what to do when you feel ready.

Oh, and eat

[SenoritaViva]

Mine have a 4 1/2 year age gap. It's wonderful! You can't control if they will click and get on, that is out of your control and can happen with any age gap. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope it works out for you.

[boopdoop]

Your situation sounds really similar to mine. I had DS1 when I was 36, we waited 2.5 years to try for number 2, partly due to financial reasons of then getting funding for DS1 at nursery when he was 3. got pregnant straight away, but had an early mc. It then took us 9 months to get pregnant again (but mainly because DH works away a lot and was away most of the relevant dates each month!). DS2 was born 4 weeks ago, I was 40 in jan, and DS1 turned 4 last weekend. It is a slightly bigger age gap than I'd like but actually it's great so far... DS1 is a lot more independent and understands which makes it easier than a lot of my friends had to deal with with smaller age gaps. Everything like potty training etc is done, he loves helping so will go and get nappies, wipes etc, and he is so excited about his little brother.

Obviously I only have a few weeks experience but I think there are lots of positives and negatives whatever gap you have, and with a bigger gap there are lots of positives.

Hope that helps a bit. Feel free to pm me if you want.

[01nicknameless]

I have ds 2.8 and just found out I am pregnant.
So he will be over 3 when this baby is born.
I have been terrified as I’ve heard this is a bad age for a sibling due to jealousy.
I look at some siblings very close on age and see how adorably they interact with eachother and wish I’d got on with it sooner, or stuck with my plan of waiting a bit longer so ds would be 4 and a little more mature when baby arrived. I saw a little boy about 6 at the park today helping his toddler brother and it was heart warming.
But the choice was taken out of my hands and I can’t chane it.
Getting a sibling age 1, 2, 3,4 or older doesn’t make or break a child I’m sure.
there are pros and cons to all age gaps. You can’t change it, like me, so I think it has to be about accepting families will come in different shapes and sizes.

[BertieBotts]

Don't worry! :)

I am facing a massive age gap - 10 years. Partly to do with miscarriage, partly infertility, partly other life issues. Interestingly we were first looking at TTC when there would have been a 6 year gap and I was gutted about this because like you I'd always wanted a gap of around or smaller than 3 years. At this time I talked to a few friends who had that kind of gap and felt that even though what they were saying was reassuring, it actually still didn't feel right for me and I felt sad about it. For example some of the positives that they mentioned like both children getting a chance at some of that "only child attention" don't really appeal to me because I actually think the second and further children benefit from having their siblings' lives to live around and their parents' attention necessarily divided.

But anyway, obviously it's now a few years later, and my friends with 5-6 year gaps, their younger child is now 3, 4 or 5 and I'm amazed that when I notice their FB pictures etc it really doesn't feel like their children have this massive gap any more - they just look like totally normal families, and actually quite significantly LESS stressed than my friends who have DC much closer together who frequently seem overwhelmed and actually find it very challenging to have to deal with two children more or less in the same stages at the same time. To have two children close enough to be able to share activities (especially once the little one is 3-4 years old and more capable) yet far enough apart to have differences and variety actually seems to be a really beneficial combination and I feel differently about it now than I did at the time I was first worrying about it.

[Situp]

Hey OP, so sorry for your loss

we have 4 years between each of our 3 kids and it is totally fine. I am 38 and dc3 is 9 weeks old. It makes it much easier when the older ones can do more for themselves and despite the age gap, dcs 1 &2 play together all the time.

Don't let the age gap stress you out. They will be fine. Be kind to yourself x

[Rodent01]

There is 4 years 3 months between DDs 1 and 2 due to my cancer treatment and 8 months in its bloody great!

It’s a bit like we had 3 and just didn’t have the middle one - people seem to forget this if they have 3 children - there’s “normally” 5 years plus between them, but that gets forgotten coz of the middle one!