Someone please help me with etiquette for DS's first proper playdate!

[squarecorners]

DS is 3, he doesn't go to nursery yet but he has been going to the childminder since about 18months old.He has one main little friend there who is a couple of months older but they get along great, they really are little pals. DS has told me he would like his little friend to come and play at his house (not quite managed the concept of shared ownership yet) and I would not mind at all but for three things:

1. as I've said on a previous post I am a hoarder and my house is in no fit state for other people's kids
   
2. I don't know her parents except for nodding acquaintance at pick up time. I don't actually know their names, just "little friend's mummy and daddy" so not sure how to ask them- do I just go "um, would little friend like to come and play on saturday?"
   
3. In addition to being a hoarder I also have massive social anxiety so afraid of them saying no and DS being disappointed.
   
   Point 1 I can fix - my mum has a lovely modern, clean caravan at a very nice quiet caravan park about 10 minutes drive from where we live that she's happy for me/us to use whenever. There is a little playground and DS has lots of toys /books/ dvds there.
   
   What I'm wondering is if I can engineer a way to ask, do you think they would say yes to little friend coming to play at the caravan for a few hours one saturday? DS is a nice little boy and I can't think her parents should have a problem with him. Is three old enough for a playdate where the parents aren't already friends? Little Friend is toilet trained and uses the toilet by herself so no problems with nappies or anything like that.

[MayFayner]

Normally at this age the parents come with them and stay for the duration- are you ok to spend time with the parent/s? That's the main issue really ime.

[squarecorners]

The beauty of the caravan is that it's by a country house where there's a nice walk in the woods and a duck pond, so we could "do things" then have some lunch in the caravan maybe if the parents would come with?
Cut down on the need for small talk. They seem like nice people though- I just don't really know them.

[MayFayner]

Go for it. Your mum's place sounds lovely. This is likely to be the first of many play dates so you may as well get started!

[BackforGood]

I'd have thought it very weird if a fellow parent from childminder asked me if I wanted to go to a borrowed (even family) caravan for the day with them at the weekend, I'll be honest.
Presumably they use a childminder as they are out at work all week ? So time is precious at the weekend, so why would you then sign up to spending several hours with someone you don't even know the name of, couped up in what is going to be a potentially very awkward situation if you don't particularly hit it off?

[Super123]

I think it sounds like a perfect idea. I would have been delighted if someone had invited one of my dcs and me to do this.
I definitely wouldn't have let them go on their own though.
Would you feel better writing out a little letter/invitation with all the details and address on? This way, the Mum can have a little think and text you a reply.

[squarecorners]

Well my initial thought was that if they were happy to drop her off for a couple of hours I was happy to have her, but obviously that's not the done thing. The caravan park is at a very well known local place that lots of people just go to for the afternoon anyway, it's not a massive jolly out of the way. I know little friend has gone to play at another child from the childminders house. I would happily send ds or sit with him if he was genuinely wanted there by his friend. And to be honest there's a lot of stuff we do that's not exactly riveting for adults but we take our kids to anyway. Do parents really get much out of watching soft play for its own sake?

[HeartOfSass]

Get the number from the childminder and text, don’t forget to introduce yourself first - something like “Hi X, it’s Square, little Square’s Mum from (childminders). Little square would love for X to come over & have a play for an hour or two, my mum has a lovely caravan in X area and there’s lots for the little ones to do there. If your X would like to, let me know & we’ll sort out a date. Square x”. Sets out the connection, location and general shape of the play date so you both know what to expect.

That way you don’t put her too much on the spot, she may well have a lot on so if she sounds pleased but doesn’t reply with dates don’t take it personally. She might also be feeling just as nervous about starting play dates as you.

If it does go to a play date, I would ask what her dc likes to eat and drink - say “I was thinking of making a few sandwiches and crisps, (or just say fruit & snacks) Is there anything your X likes particularly? Then you can keep it simple but still edge towards what her dc likes. I’ve always found it pays to enquiry, not least in case of allergies etc but to avoid the “urgh I don’t LIKE ham!” (Or whatever). She might say not to worry about food, so that’s fine too - some toddlers are fussy, or she won’t want you to go to any trouble.

Have a few topics lined up to chat about. Future school choices, where she had her dc, that kind of general stuff.

Don’t tell your dc until if it gets set up as a proper date. Just tell him x’s Mum is a bit busy at the moment but maybe when it gets warmer.

[squarecorners]

@super123 the note is a great idea, thank you

[WhereIsBlueRabbit]

I would give it a whirl - then it's up to them as to whether they accept. I would think it lovely if my child was invited along the lines of "I hear X and y are good friends at the childminder's - this is what we do in Saturday's, would y like to join us maybe one weekend?".

My DS has a little friend at his childminder's, though he's a bit younger than your child. I've met the mum on the doorstep a few times and have her number so dropped her a line to say X would be very welcome for a play date any day we coincide being free, and would they like to come over on a date when I knew the childminder was closed?

We ended up going to soft play together with both kids plus little friend's older sibling - maybe something like that would work in the first instance? It's a good option if you're nervous around new people - you can sit and have a coffee while the kids run round, or you can chase after your respective kids with less talking depending on how you feel.

[WhereIsBlueRabbit]

Oh, and I ended up with the mum's number anyway from a group thing but my original plan was to pass my number and a note via the childminder asking her to drop me a line.

[GrockleBocs]

I second super's idea but the CM won't be able to give you the other mum's number wothout permission. She can ask if you can have the number, pass on yours or pass on a note.

[HeartOfSass]

X posts. To be honest there is no way I would drop off my 3 yo (or any preschooler) to a play date by themselves with people I’d only said hello to especially at a caravan park with a lake nearby. It would be highly unusual. I’d definitely assume she would stay.

But regarding your home. Is it really that bad, hoarding wise? A lot of people have lots if stuff but if it’s clean and the bathroom & kitchen are clean & reasonably tidy/organised then piles of washing and toys etc are not bad. Is it more than general toys/everyday stuff you have a lot of? Just thinking that it might not look as bad as you think.

[squarecorners]

Not only do I hoard, but it's also a building site. Cannot have people here. Can barely live here, which is why we go to the caravan all the time.

[HeartOfSass]

I feel for you Square, I have hoarding tendencies but keep a lid on it. My home looks very clean and organised on the surface but I am very good at hiding stuff. Open a drawer, or go in the loft, or the cupboard under the stairs, or any other cupboard and about 5000 unrelated items are falling out.

When we moved house 3 years ago both my DH and the removal guy (who had come to do the quote) were amazed at the amount of stuff we had to move. It was always there, it was just very well hidden.

I would love to have the kind of home that walks the walk not just talks the talk! i.e. it looks all tidy and organised on the surface but I'd really like to open a drawer or wardrobe and have just a few things in there. For example I have around 10 winter hats, gloves and scarves each, probably 20 different coats, I keep old towels and the set of towels before those "in case they come in handy"... same with tea towels, pans, cups, cleaning products of all kinds... I mean how many old towels do you need?! I've barely used one old towel for a messy job in the past year, but I always think it might come in handy to have old towels. And can practically guarantee that the moment I chuck them I'll want one and have to use a "good" towel. Bah.

Anyway I digress. Hope the playdate arranging goes well!

[squarecorners]

Argh HeartofSass that is literally my worst stumbling block - as soon as something from your hoard becomes randomly useful it validates the hoarding and you are back to square one!! Although towels are not a problem for me because I use the crappy ones quite regularly for bathing the dog!

Re. playdate - I am planning to pass along a little note to little friend's mummy with my phone number as a standing invitation for a couple of hours to come and play at the caravan on a saturday afternoon when we'll be there anyway with it at her choice whether little friend is accompanied or unaccompanied. Then the ball is in her court and if I don't get a response I'll assume little friend ate the note or something lol!