Parenting & Housework

[SureJan]

Just after opinions really.
DS is 5mo & I'm currently on maternity leave. Days are spent obviously caring for baby, visiting friends & family or having people round, going to baby groups, running general errands like shopping, or just playing at home.
I try to do as much housework as I can, I always make sure the main tasks like washing up are done daily & in general the house is clean & relatively tidy. But it's a really small house, so literally the minute I get something out for baby to play with it looks like a tip. It's very cluttered with baby things, but this doesn't bother me as it's just part & parcel of having a baby.
Laundry is a problem, there's mounds of it & I can never seem to get through it quick enough, especially with the weather being bad, but I do my best & we all always have clean clothes to wear.
On the whole I don't think things are too bad, I do what I can through the day but mostly do chores after baby is in bed. It's fine.
But DH always seems annoyed at the state of the house, he thinks it's a tip, stuff everywhere etc etc & he complains like mad about it. He does help out around the house (though I have to ask him to) but I do the main bulk of chores - I'm ok with this as I'm not working & he is. But his attitude annoys me, I feel like if he has to lift a finger he's annoyed that he's had to do so, like it bugs him that I've not done it myself.
I get the impression he thinks I have bags of time throughout the day to get stuff done.
When I call him out on it he denies he expects me to get everything done myself & that he's just frustrated it's always such a mess.
Maybe I'm being sensitive & putting pressure on myself but assuming it's coming from DH? Does it sound like I'm doing enough, or could I be putting in a bit more effort? Is he justified in feeling like whilst I'm at home every day I should be on top of things?

[icantdothis2017]

If his bothered he can do it him self

[TooMinty]

I agree with Icant. If he is that bothered then he can tidy/clean.

[OutComeTheWolves]

I had this problem until when ds was 5 months old I went away for a long weekend with some friends. Before I left, I reminded dh of his expectations .

I haven't had that problem since.

[SureJan]

Thanks for your replies. He does do bits round the house but I feel he resents the fact that he has to. Like I say, maybe I'm taking it too personally, I guess no one really enjoys doing chores. But I really sense that he feels housework is my job whilst going to work is his.
Do you think this is a reasonable attitude for him to have?
I'm genuinely not really bothered if he does or doesn't help, it's just the principle of it really and I could just do without the complaining or the withering looks around the (messy) room the minute he comes in!

[Quartz2208]

yes leave him for the day with your baby and see what he thinks at the end

[SureJan]

OutCome, see the odd time I've been out & DH has had DS, he's never managed to get any chores/housework done as he's been too busy with the baby. So he knows it can be hard, yet seems to expect me to be able to.

[Tigger001]

You can only do what you can do. My little one is nearly 5 months and my day sounds very similar to yours. Once the bouncer and a couple of bits are out the place looks like we've been burgled, I do a quick tidy round at about 5 o clock of the bigger items.
I feel like I want the place spotless for when my hubby comes in as I'm not working and he is, but I am putting this pressure on myself as my hubby understands and will help with anything I ask him to. I don't mind him having to be asked as he knows I am at home and I have a certain routine/way I like things doing so he follows that and I like that he does that.
It's good your DP helps, has he been left alone with the LO for a couple of hours, as he may genuinely not understand how difficult it can be to get things done. (As I didn't until I had our little fella).
I think it sounds like you are doing a great job and maybe try again to explain how the day can just be filled with feeding, changing , playing and generally keeping baby in one piece and happy lol. To also be doing all the washing and shopping i think is great, he needs to chill out if he can't understand how much effort these great little people consume. 😄😄

[mindutopia]

Yes, if he's bothered, he should be helping you. My dh and I both work, but even when I'm on mat leave (getting ready to start mat leave with baby #2), our jobs around the house don't change. As we get them done each day while both working, there's no reason he can't carry on doing them when I'm on mat leave as I have much more work to do then and am more tired. Trust me, I've been home with a baby and also working fulltime in a stressful professional role with a long commute (some days I spent 6 hours on a train) and being home with a baby is way less productive than working, so there's no reason he can't get things done before and after work.

My dh does the washing up every morning and evening. He does the bins and he does general tidying up, hoovering, etc. as needed. I do the food shopping and most of the cooking and general organising (bills, booking holidays, etc.) and basic cleaning like toilets, dusting, surfaces (usually I do these on Saturday and Sunday mornings when he is home and can take our dd, takes like 20 minutes). I do my clothes and dd's, towels/sheets, in the morning and then hang up and fold in evenings usually after dh is home and doing something with her (he does his own). We have a cleaner who comes for a couple hours once or twice a month to do a deep clean. It's a small cost, about 30 quid, but well worth the expense as neither of us have time to be down on our knees scrubbing behind the toilet. If we can do all that while working full-time with kids, it's totally possible for anyone's dh to similarly get those same things done before and after work. We just make good use of our mornings and evenings (before kids' bedtimes), then we have evenings before our bedtime for catching up on work (both self-employed, so we do lots of computer work and admin stuff in evenings) or for relaxing.

[Firsttimemum777]

Tell him would he rather you spend your maternity leave indoors cleaning to house or giving your baby opportunities to see new things/environments/people.

I have a 7 month old and I think it’s hard to keep on top of housework. When he’s napping, I do a quick speed clean but this is mainly just washing and dishes.

I try and get out every day for my own sanity as well as stimulation for baby. Better that than a grumpy baby who’s sick of staring at the same 4 walls

[mindutopia]

To answer your question, yes, it's reasonable for him to think you'll do more of the housework and parenting than him, because you're home during the day. But that's obviously what you're already doing. You clearly don't have a nanny, so you are parenting all day. But that doesn't mean that ALL the housework also gets done because there isn't that much time in the day. He still has things he'll need to do like any working couple. Just because we both work doesn't mean it's someone else's job to magically get everything around the house done. We both just have to do it, and he has to do it too.

[Lellikelly26]

Don’t make yourself stressed out trying to do too much. You sound as if you do enough and he is being unreasonable. I started working ft recently but only because my DH has started doing more, I need to work ft to qualify in my field and I have studied for years, and I have a cleaner and someone to iron. Ladies don’t make life hard for yourselves trying to do it all.

[SureJan]

Thanks everyone, it's so reassuring that you understand where I'm coming from, & that I'm not a lazy slob!
When we were both at work full time we both did housework. I think DH thinks that now I'm at home all day he should be exempt! I tell him all the time that I'm still 'working' full time, it's just that I have a new 'job', its being a mum. I don't think he quite sees it that way!
The good thing is that he will pitch in, I just wanted to check I'm not being unreasonable expecting him to, & it seems like I'm not! Thanks very much for all your advice.

[clarabellski]

Any couples who can afford the financial hit of shared parental leave should totally do it (me and DH did 9 months/3 months).

I think only by being alone with an infant all day can the other partner fully appreciate how little time you actually get to do anything other than look after the infant!