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Daughter doesn't want to know me anymore

4 replies

lucasisking · 01/12/2017 09:41

I'm desperate. I have two children that mean the world to me: a 14 year old son who's on the autistic spectrum, and a 10 year old daughter, also recently diagnosed with ASD. Both of whom live with my ex wife who left me 8 years ago for someone else. She's now with her second partner and his 12 year old daughter.

For the whole 8 years, I've had the kids at least twice a week and enjoyed a wonderful relationship with them as a part time dad. We've played games, been on adventures, and I've always been so, so close to them both. Everyone says what a great dad I am and I'm proud to have at least got that part of my life right. I've not succeeded in finding a partner of my own, so its always been just the three of us.

During the past couple of years however, my relationship with my daughter has begun to break down and I don't know why. At first she would become clingy with her mother and not want to stay with me, then she refused to stay at my flat entirely and would only come out with me if I brought her straight home. Now its reached the stage where she wont come with me at all. I tried to pick her up from school the other day and she acted like I was a stranger, and said she 'didn't want to go with me' but wanted to go with her step dad. I cant describe how much that hurt. I wanted to die on the spot. Its like she didn't want me to be her dad anymore.

I've tried everything. Counselling, making her pictures, sending her messages, taking her for short outings, and I even made her a photo album of all our days out together. She's now completely absorbed into her 'new family' and I don't seem to figure.

My ex wife has- shall we say- mental health issues herself, and depending which way the wind blows, can be very nasty and unsympathetic towards me. Even though I've never blamed her for this or even made a fuss. I suffer in silence and try to keep everyone happy at my own expense. I do everything she asks and fit around her and her partner. So I have no support from her in this. I feel like I'm losing my daughter and I have no idea how to get her back. Fortunately I still have my wonderful son who I'm still close to: I think if I didn't have him there'd be no point carrying on. I know I'm weak and a pushover and maybe that's where I'm going wrong.

I don't know where to turn, or who to talk to.

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Trying2bgd · 01/12/2017 09:48

Didn't want to read and run but I don't have any advice so will bump you instead and hope someone wiser will come along to help.

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lucasisking · 01/12/2017 11:41

Thank you

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haba · 01/12/2017 11:47

I have children with ASD, and tbh they don't want "fun and adventures", to them routine, stability, consistency, security are paramount.
Maybe it's too much for your DD to cope with the changes/differences at your home?
How much of her needs, adaptations, and coping mechanisms do you understand?
I will be honest and say that even though my DH is a v hands-on parent, my children still find it easier for them when it's mummy doing things (yeah, I know, I'm boring as hell! But that's what my children thrive on- no surprises).

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lucasisking · 01/12/2017 16:20

Routine is very important to them (and me) I agree, and most of what we did was planned and not spontaneous. There haven't been any major changes my end except for house moves (same amount as on her mums side). I cant just accept that because she has ASD I cant see her anymore. She's my child. No mother would accept estrangement from her child?