How much freedom?

[parentingteens]

My daughter has just turned 17 and is of the opinion that she should be allowed to come and go as she pleases with no restrictions. How much freedom should you give a 17 year old girl? She tells me (and it does seem to be true) that the group of friends she has have no restrictions placed on them at all. She says that I have put her in the difficult situation of not being able to socialise with them.

[FATEdestiny]

I don't have a 17 year old yet, but remember being one and am a teacher of that age group.

I would say at 17 it's more about respect than curfew. I would expect her to tell you where she is going, who with, how she's getting there and back and when she will be home. That you do have the right to veto, but as long as she is respectful and reasonable then no reason to.

The respect would also extend the other way. While I would give her more-or-less freedom to be a young adult, i would expect her to adhere to my routines and request too so be home for meal times, stick to timings and not be later than arranged, be prepared to attend family events when requested, that kind of thing.

I was regularly going to nightclubs at 17 years old.

[parentingteens]

Thank you for your reply. It is the vito but I'm having trouble with. Wouldn't mind night clubs but they can't get into those now. There is nothing much for 17 year olds to do these days but her friends have just started driving and so she wants to drive round with other teenagers till 1 in the morning. I don't really feel that is safe or appropriate as a past time but am nor sure if I am really in a position to vito. She thinks not!!

[corythatwas]

Have a 17yo boy atm and had a 17yo girl a few years ago. Agree that at this age it is more about respect than rules: they know and you know that their coming of age is only a few months away.

But you can insist on them obeying reasonable house rules for any person living in your house. That means always letting you know when they will be late back. And being considerate when they come in.

And as you are funding their education by keeping them, you can also insist that they pay due attention to their school work (or apprenticeship) by not being out all night on a school night.

The car thing is a bit more difficult. I totally see why you don't want her to do it, but it's harder to come down on it in the guise of a house rule. Here you do have to appeal to your love for her and for her general sense of self preservation. Easier the calmer you are and the more you make it about common sense. And easier if you can generally establish yourself as a sensible non-emotional person.

I find that having general conversations about safety and what-would-one-do-in-this-situation worked best. I have also found (somewhat to my surprise) that if I say calmly but emphatically to ds "I really don't want you to do this", it works.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I have a wide circle of friends with 17 year olds and none of them are allowed out with no restrictions - and some of them have cars and jobs as well as go to sixth form.

[Gillian1980]

When I was 17 (20 years ago) I didn't have any set rules and could come and go as I pleased. But I would ring my dp to let them know I was ok etc.

I think if I'd been inconsiderate and not rung home then I would have had a curfew etc

[BertrandRussell]

I have a 16 year old. It's all about negotiation in my opinion. He has to let me know if he's not coming straight home from school and roughly where he is, but it's "tell not ask" up to 9.00. Any later and it needs to be discussed, preferably in advance.

[EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck]

I'd give her freedom, but I'd expect her to let me know where she's going, text me with any changes of plans, and not moan about getting up for school if she's back late.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I agree with Bert negotiation and communication is key.

[parentingteens]

Thanks all, some really useful comments. Im afraid that I have already failed at presenting myself as a sensible, non emotional person!!

[Mayhemmumma]

I left home at 17 (32 now) my DD will have restrictions on her but also home will always be open to her.