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DH harsh with DD

(18 Posts)
Hightechlowbudget Fri 18-Aug-17 23:04:10

I feel DH is too harsh on our DD. She is pre-teen, he nags her constantly, calls her smelly and says she has yellow teeth from not brushing. He nags her to read more, do more homework, help around the house etc etc. All the usual stuff but I feel he is mean about it and while he is not wrong about what he says I feel he is too harsh on her and it is upsetting her. She is a lovely girl, tries hard, but like all kids is needs reminding about lots of things.

I have told him I think he is being to harsh and I support what he says but not the way he says it. He thinks I am being soft on her. She gets annoyed with me if I bring it up with him, says it doesn't help. But she is often in tears over it and I am worried it will have a negative effect on her self esteem.

When I try to speak to him it ends in an argument. I don't know what to do to make him stop being so critical of her.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 19-Aug-17 03:17:45

My heart breaks for your daughter. Her father should be her biggest champion and instead he's her worst bully. I would be tempted to record him when he humiliates her and play it for him. I don't know what the solution is but you need to find one. Parenting classes, whatever. Personally, I would not stay married to a man who thinks it's ok to mentally torture his own child.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sat 19-Aug-17 03:33:18

I am worried it will have a negative effect on her self esteem. you think?!?
The poor child, her self esteem is probably at rock bottom already. Fucking fight for your child! You let one man (who is supposed to love her unconditionally) put her down, this is what she will expect when she has a partner. Simply put he is emotionally abusing her. (What is he like with you btw?)
If you think her personal hygiene is lax, sit her down, chat to her, take her shopping for a basket of things just for her. She is probably not liking her pre pubescent body-help her as a mother, to learn to love it.

ClemDanfango Sat 19-Aug-17 03:44:11

Bullying prick! There would be no discussion other than to tell my husband he can get the fuck out of my house.
The poor girl is probably depressed from his treatment, you make a person feel worthless and they'll treat themselves as worthless and find it hard to look after themselves (personal care) because they subconsciously lose respect for themselves.
She'll grow up hating him and you if you dont take more decisive action.

newdaylight Sat 19-Aug-17 04:44:01

The three PPS have said it bluntly and have it about right in my book, although you clearly know it's not right which is why you've true to get him to stop and why you're posting here.

It's clearly going to be quite damaging to dd and like Clem says above, is likely to be particularly unhelpful when it comes to her ability to care for herself.

Does he put you down as well?

If you re read what he's said and think about what would happen is sometime posted about their dp saying that to them, the replies would be about how is domestic emotional abuse and a load of LTBs. To pick on a pre teen lime that is even worse and will shape her perception of normal relationships with males

picklemepopcorn Sat 19-Aug-17 06:20:57

Don't tell him he is being too harsh, as that suggests he just has higher expectations/is on the tough end of a spectrum of normal behaviour.

Tell him he is bullying her, and bullying won't improve her behaviour. Tell him he needs to be more positive. This isn't a conversation where you try and persuade him to be a bit less severe, it is an instruction from you that he must stop bullying her and start being more positive.

Mountainviewloo Sat 19-Aug-17 06:40:47

LTB. He is bullying your DD.

Hightechlowbudget Sat 19-Aug-17 07:52:11

Thank you, I needed an outside perspective on what I deep down felt. He thinks he is being a good parent and is very good at being fun Dad with the children.

With me, I feel he criticises me and undermines me too. He can fly into tempers over small things, I feel he puts me in no win situations where I will get yelled at regardless of my answer. I go through periods when I think I just can't live with him anymore and then he is a lovely person for 3 months. It really does go in spells, with mostly good spells.

Would it really be a better solution to tear the family apart and leave him? I couldn't bear for the kids to have to do weekend visits with him.

Surely all couples disagree on how to parent the children?

Mountainviewloo Sat 19-Aug-17 07:54:23

Ok so he is abusive then op

flowers you don't deserve that and neither do your kids. We were all much happier once my parents split up.

RainbowdropsandUnicorns Sat 19-Aug-17 14:20:12

I don't know your situation, fully (How can I, this is just one thread on the Internet?).
I don't want to make you feel bad.
I just wanted to share my own experience. I wasn't treated well growing up. I feel a lot of sadness / anger over it. I am now a parent myself. I don't understand how my mother could have allowed me to be treated that way, and I am now nc with her. I do feel sad for my younger self, but also I feel sad for my mum.... It's sad to think she had such low expectations of how a relationship / marriage should be
I think you should protect your children, but also expect better for yourself too. I think there are similarities between your situation, and the one I lived in as a child, and it wasn't pleasant.
When I left home, it felt a little bit like how I imagine a cult survivor feels. The revelation that other people didn't live like I did. The realisation that life could be calm, and nice.
When you're walking on eggshells waiting for an argument, or the next put-down even the good days are ruined....Because you're expecting it all to turn bad.

Apologies if I have misread the situation, and that isn't the case for you. flowers

.

ClemDanfango Sat 19-Aug-17 14:28:31

Is it worth sacrificing the emotional and mental wellbeing of your daughter to keep the family together?
He's emotionally abusive to you both, you need to protect your children from that as much as possible.

RaspberryMousse Sat 19-Aug-17 14:37:38

Surely all couples disagree on how to parent the children?

No, they really don't. My husband and I are a team. We have a five year old daughter. Neither of us feel the need to belittle or criticise her or grind her esteem into the floor. We want her to be a happy, confident little girl, and we are both her number one fans.

He is bullying her, and bullying you. Your daughter is having to live with a bully. I was bullied at school and the thought of coming home to what should be my safe space, only to be bullied some more by someone I can't get away from, someone who should be doing all they can to protect me and build me up, would have just destroyed me.

You need to protect your daughter.

userofthiswebsite Sat 19-Aug-17 14:41:41

Well he sounds delightful. Not.

Something is very wrong in this scenario and it's not your little girl's fault. But if you let this continue, it will be yours as well.

EmeraldIsle100 Sat 19-Aug-17 14:41:54

OP your concerns about tearing the famiy apart and weekend visits should not outweigh your concerns about the abuse your husband is levelling against you and your children.

Stop this crap now and protect yourself and your children. All parents may have disagreements about rearing their kids but they don't submit their children and spouses to verbal humiliating behaviour.

Your husband is about as far from 'lovely' as is possible. I feel so sorry for your daughter, the poor thing!

You are no doubt damaged by his behaviour because you are evidently in denial. Wake up and get some help. Ring Women's Aid who will help you recognise that you are in an abusive relationship. There are no grey areas, your husband is an abusive bastard.

LoyaltyAndLobster Sat 19-Aug-17 14:45:32

flowers

MadameJosephine Sat 19-Aug-17 14:50:44

He's an abusive arse and you are teaching your daughter to tolerate this. He has both of you walking on eggshells.

Get the hell out for your DD's sake and your own. She needs you to protect her

Mamahanji Sat 19-Aug-17 15:49:35

Good god that is abuse. Plain as day.

You and your kids will be so much better off away from that nasty bully!

My heart breaks for your daughter. It's hard enough being that age without a nasty wanker putting you down!

Leave him.

Desmondo2016 Sat 19-Aug-17 15:58:47

This isn't him and you disagreeing on parenting though is it! Its him bring an abusive twat and causing long term psychological harm to your daughter. What you want to do regarding your relationship is secondary to what you must do to protect your child. He either stops with immediate effect and his bullying will never again be repeated or he leaves.

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