I don't think I'm very good at parenting.

[TulipChewlip]

And I ought to have a clue by now, my oldest is 12. This might be long because I don't know what to say or how to say it.

I have 3 children. A dd is 12, a ds1 is 11 and ds2 is 7.

Oldest and youngest are fine if a little strong willed.
Ds1 is just so hard to parent. Due to circumstances he shares a room with his ds2, he feels this is unfair because he should have his own room. (We have a 3 bed house so this is not possible).
It's our fault because we only bought a 3 bed when we moved 18 months ago. Obviously he doesn't factor the extra £30k needed (that we didn't and still don't have) for that extra bedroom which I so desperately wanted!!

Nothing is ever his fault, he's lost something, (anything) but excuses include someone has moved it, it's been stolen, it was left at school, that's not where I left it, the dogs must have had it... Then he finds whatever it is in his school bag or wherever "oh yeah I remember" No apology. Nothing.

He recently had a birthday where he received a mobile phone. He wants all the social media apps to which I've said no chance. He says I'm mean because all his friends have them. I tell him I don't care I'm not their parent.

I don't want to be a mean parent but maybe I am. :(
I do my best to treat them all fairly but obviously their needs are different. (Youngest has temper problems and is colour blind so often requires extra support).

If I buy them a treat whilst out and 11yr olds is slightly less then he says it isn't fair, I must like my other children more than him. He is never grateful.

He sounds spoiled but how is it I've (we've) managed to spoil one child when we treat them all equally. We know we have over indulged them in the past when we've been able to (not often) but my oldest child seems so grateful and appreciative.
The youngest is 7 and has issues himself which is another thread really.

This morning I asked him to make his bed and put his things away from the floor (Xbox controllers still out from yesterday evening). Twenty minutes later we need to be out of the door so I go get him and nothing has been done, he's sitting on his bed with his phone. I pushed him out of the bedroom but he tripped and bumped his head on the floor. He shouts at me "that's child abuse" :(

I am so sad and desperate for help. I feel awful but infuriated too that I can't take his behaviour. I shouldn't have pushed him I know but he was being cheeky and lippy about how his brother should do it and not him.

Help me please :(

[TulipChewlip]

I'm just hitting a brick wall over and over again.

Dh thinks I'm overreacting, he copes better than I do. He says it's just ds2's hormones.

[Sarahisthename]

No advice - but at that age I had younger siblings ... moaned about stuff to do with our house . I was probably just a sulky child . Get along great with my siblings now and my mum!

[CwtchMeQuick]

You don't sound like a bad parent at all. Some children are more difficult to parent than others.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a chat about some house rules. E.g. You asked him to pick up his xbox controllers and he didn't, what is the consequence for this? I think a fair consequence would be you pick up the Xbox controllers and he loses them for 24 hours.

If he's upset at having to share a room could you look into a way to split the room in two to give him some privacy? Maybe a curtain across the room to split it?

What are your reasons for not allowing him social media apps? Social media is a big thing with teens and pre teens and he probably does feel left out if his friends are allowed. Can you come up with an agreement that he can have xyz apps but that you have full access to them to be able to see what's being posted?

With regards to you asking him to make his bed, that's not something that'd bother me personally but if it's something you want done then I think it's fair to have a household rule of no phones in the morning until ready for school with beds made etc.

I think communication and compromise is the key here. Chat to him about what you expect off him and what he expects in return. If he wants more freedom, what does he need to do to earn this? Let him learn the consequences for his actions, if he's messing around on his phone and is going to be late for school, don't push him just let him be late and explain to his teachers why he's late.

[TulipChewlip]

Thank you for your replies.

I suppose my reason for nott wanting him to have the apps is to not expose him to online bullies. Dd1 doesn't have them either. (Mind you she doesn't have a functioning phone either after smashing it).
He's sensitive and often reports incidents of 'bullying' to me. It's almost always a playground squabble over who's turn it is to play with the football.
He also appears to have no filter on his words and I worry that he will post inappropriate/offending comments and things will escalate. I know that he won't mean then the way they are read but everyone else may not.

I know making him make his bed is a minor thing but I think it helps build good habits. Even ds2 makes his bed. I don't want him to make it perfectly, just straighten the duvet. It takes seconds to do but he spends 10 minutes moaning about it.

The statistics of teenage suicide and children running away is something that is constantly on my mind. An anxiety of a sort I suppose. I can't bear the thought of ever losing a child but he is so easily influenced, I'm genuinely worried about him. Another reason I dislike him having social media apps. Even with monitoring things can be deleted.
Maybe I'm paranoid and overthinking but I just love them all to pieces.

[TulipChewlip]

Should say, I have tried talking to him but he just gets defensive and still blaming everyone else. Or the other end of the scale he zones out and just replies with what we want to hear.

I will keep trying to talk to him as I do with all of them.

I shout more than I should but I know this is my issue. It happens when I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.