how do i deal with DD better

[happyfrown]

quick bit of back ground, I have mental health issues and recently feeling quite sensitive. I have short temper and don't cope with stress well and it triggers all sorts of problems.

all week dd 6yrs has cried everyday after school due to request I cant or wont do. its very often really but this week has worn me out. she asks to go to some ones house, I say no, explain why, she sobs. next day "can someone come to ours", I say no, she sobs, "can we go shop to get sweets", I say no you had some yesterday, she sobs...
today no tears straight after school but then an ice cream van drives past so asked to get one. I said sorry I don't have any change. so she wails!! "I haven't had ice cream for ages" stands there crying asking over and over, I said she needs to stop "wanting" and listen when ive said no.

then dd comes to me with a note 'please let me get ice cream then you can just get more money'. with a sad face. after going on 5mins or so I could feel myself getting annoyed, feeling uneasy. in the end I raised my voice and shouted explaining that she is sounding very spoilt and its not nice, not every one is rushing out getting ice cream or something along those lines....

I don't want to carry on being 'shouty' mum but dd goes on and on crying and more crying telling me I don't like her. I feel so tender most days I worry im just going to breakdown! over a flipping ice cream? I must come across pathetic.
im asking how others deal with their teary dcs and how they reply to constant demands. I wont ever win mum of the year award but im trying to be better any advice thanks.

[mouldycheesefan]

Have you tried an evening where you say yes to everything? It makes you feel like a different parent, seriously. It will cheer you both up.

Also instead of no to the friend coming can you say let's arrange a day when friend can come. So instead os saying no you are suggesting an alternative.

[happyfrown]

dd had a friend come in to play beginning of the week, played out in the park with a friend on the sunday. then asked constantly every day if same friend can come in or if she can go to theirs.

this is where I sound awful, I have difficulties with people, don't cope well with people in my home so most of the time I say no for that reason. with depression I don't have the energy for company either. or to argue with dd once her friend has left the mess she made needs to be cleared.

I completely understand that a 6yr old will only hear NO over and over and get frustrated. I wish I could be the life and soul of the street having peoples kids in daily but its too much.
I don't want to lie and say another day when I know its not likely to happen. but I do need to deal with her crying better.

[Ruby2202]

Try saying it in a different way rather than no all the time. I try to do this with ds and it works most of the time.

So instead say yes, we can go to the shop for sweets tomorrow/next week etc. So and so can come and play on x day or yes I will ask her Mum when she can come and play. Or just say not today, we ll go on x day.

That way it takes the no and the confrontation out of it and they think they will be getting it just not that day.

[happyfrown]

with the icecream van, I have 2 other dcs so would cost me near a fiver for all 3. I usually have shop bought box of 4 in the freezer in summer but its not icecream weather and I don't have any so answer had to be no tonight. but in the summer I do treat them a couple of times a week from the van and the other days out the freezer. im not always no, though dd would cry every day I say no to van even if she had one day before.

[mouldycheesefan]

There you are then! You are not a shouty no mummy! She does get ice creams and friends to play.
"Can I get an ice cream"
"Let's get some next week when we go shopping"is better than "no"
Usually they forget five minutes later anyway.
I think it's thr illness making you feel like a shouty mum 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

[happyfrown]

sorry cross post.
this week with asking to go to friends houses I have said not today they are busy, dd will say can you just ring to check. I say I know they are busy. then she will get upset.

when dd met with her friend in the park she cried and moaned when we had to leave asking the childs mum if she can go up to her house now, parent said not today will let me now when she is free. dd then asked in the evening if the friend can come to ours, I replied we will see them another day. next day was the same stuff over and over.

[happyfrown]

I will write down some of the replies, keep to hand to remind me of alternatives to no.

[junebirthdaygirl]

If hou could get a copy of how to talk zo kids will listen and listen so kids will talk it might help. Its in some libraries or on Amazon. Eg for icecream cuddle her and say hey icecream is for summer we will have lots then. So not saying no as that sets them off. Keep your tone light. Also do try and endure the play dates even if there is a mess. Its not easy but means she is happy for a while.

[happyfrown]

junebirthdaygirl I will definitely look for that book.

I do start of light toned but I get so easily annoyed when dd goes on and loose my cool.
the mess is hard, im compulsive with sorting things for places, tidiness etc. feel like a 'human write off!' have too many issues to have 'happy' kids.
just wanted to add ive had previous therapies and about to start 16wk DIT course so I am trying to be better. I don't want to come across like im full of excuses or moaning without doing anything about it.

[SnugglySnerd]

I was going to recommend that book too, it's brilliant!

[happyfrown]

Eg for icecream cuddle her and say hey icecream is for summer we will have lots then.

I wish my brain could have on the spot answers like this. maybe that book could help.