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5yr old daughter refusing to see her daddy

(4 Posts)
VV86 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:12:55

Hi, I know this issue has been raised by others in the past but I really need some outside perspective of my daughters situation. I'm completely at a loss!

Our family is what we call "blended" I have my daughter 5, a one year old with my husband (not dd 5 dad) and a stepdaughter 8. Sounds a bit complicated but it all works and everyone is happy. Until a week or so ago..

My dd 5 went on holiday with her grandad (my dad) for 7 nights. We all then flew out for 10 nights so she was away for a total on 17 nights. She's been away from her dad before and Sees him every other weekend so is used to breaks in contact. We facetimed dd dad when we were away but she wasn't interested.

Before we went away she had no problem seeing him, staying at his for up to three nights some occasions but since we have been home she won't even go to his house for an afternoon and he's supposed to have had her a fair bit with it being summer holidays.

Me and her dad - my ex - get on ok. We have a good level of communication etc so no problems there.

It's got to the point now after this week that her dad doesn't want to have her as he can't cope with her behaviour and He had said it is really painful and upsetting to be repeatedly rejected by her. She will just sulk or scream and cry for me and refuse to go out to do ANYTHING she used to do with him( when we do get her to him) until she is brought home to me.

I don't agree with him on refusing to see her, I find it frustrating whilst I understand it's hurtful I can't explain anymore that's she only 5 and doesn't mean it! I feel his behaviour is slightly childish (Eg. she has said I don't want to see you and he's said he doesn't want her cause she's been horrible- he's in his 30's!!!), I do understand he is hurt but I don't want him to not want to see her either. He lives with his mum and are quite a reclusive family so from what we can gather from her she's just really bored when she's there and all they seem to do is go toy shopping which the novelty of that seems to have worn off.

I would make her go to school if she refused, I completely agree with carrying on contact but her dad is at a point where he doesn't want to have her if she doesn't want to be there.

I don't know whether to take her to the dr to speak to someone or just keep her home and hope it passes.

I've tried talking to her but she's 5. I get no actual answers from her. All I can gather is she wants to be with me and misses her family at home. I'm hoping it will resolve and that she just got used to being with us on holiday but I feel awful this has happened and feel like it was my fault for taking her away for too long even though I kept them in contact. She wasn't upset once when we were away, in fact she cried coming home as she didn't want to leave.

Does anyone have any advice or just anything to help me here? She's supposed to be with him tomorrow while I'm at work and is already refusing, and it's his weekend this weekend. sad

Thanks for reading.

BentleyBelly Wed 24-Aug-16 13:24:49

I have no experience in this kind of situation myself but reading your post my first thought is....could you possibly do something really fun DD, yourself and her dad all together? Too weird? Alternatively could he plan a fun day out? Doesn't have to be fancy, a trip to the zoo/park/museum/soft play, but ultimately something they can enjoy together . It doesn't sound like she is having much fun with him and is with you so why should she want to go there?

VV86 Wed 24-Aug-16 13:36:31

Hey, yeah it's tricky cause I'm remarried and while my husband is fine with it I feel so uncomfortable with him and DD. We have him
In our house and he's met up with my mum and both girls today so she will spend time with him. She's just refused to go back to his house.

He has offered to take her anywhere and do anything she wants and she just wants to wait for me to get home from work. It's really sad, I was wondering wether she was going through some sort of late separation anxiety so may have to see if I can speak to someone at the Drs. So hard!

Thanks for replying x

Ferrrn Sat 27-Aug-16 14:13:20

Look at it from her point of view, she's only five, she doesn't understand the complexities of your family's set up, all she knows is that she gets sent away from her mum and the family dynamic that she's used to to be with this random bloke called 'dad' whose company she doesn't enjoy. It may just be too confusing to be building a bond in the step family dynamic at the same time as having to relate to someone she barely remembers week to week. The holiday may have brought this to a head - not having to deal with the situation for a full 17 days may have been a relief.

Alternatively, she may just be worried about her place at home, given that the family dynamic has shifted once before how is she to know it won't shift again - for all you know she may fear being sent to dad's and then having to stay there permanently.

in either case, don't force the relationship - if it's not working it's not working. Allow her to play a full part in her current family and try the suggestion above, ie getting him involved in stuff you do together. Don't make her stay overnight, don't tell her she 'must' see him seperately from the rest of you, but try have him be part of daily life where possible. But, at the end of the day, if neither of them want to try you may just have to let go, and leave up to her to reconsider when she's older.

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