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not being invited to a party - my problem

(10 Posts)
IamAporcupine Tue 05-Jul-16 09:49:45

DS (4) is at his nursery school 2x a week (he goes to another nursery the rest of the week). The invites for parties get left on a school board so I noticed this morning that there were two cards for two children that are in the same group of friends than my son. I think I even recognised the handwriting of the mother.
Anyway, I know children can choose who they invite to their parties, I know he will not be always invited, I know that my DS didn't want to invite everyone to his party either, even some that I thought were close to him, etc etc etc etc etc but I still feel bad and somehow hurt sad
How do you get over this?
(yes, he is my first and only child grin

willconcern Tue 05-Jul-16 10:12:07

You think "oh well" and move on. And you think that if that's the worst thing you've got to worry about, then you're pretty damn lucky.

corythatwas Tue 05-Jul-16 10:53:16

You think:

he might not even notice it so I won't be the one who makes him sad by bringing it up

if he has noticed it and is upset, then this is something I can really help him with, by showing him positive ways of dealing with disappointment

isn't he lucky to have a mum who is willing to think this through and help him?

Lottielou7 Tue 05-Jul-16 10:58:29

Party invitations are a nightmare and they continue to be a nightmare throughout school. My 12 year old daughter was quite hurt because her friend (who she had supported during a time of bullying by other girls) didn't invite her to her party and invited all the bullies instead!

Often there is no point even trying to figure it out. Your son probably won't know any of these children when they get to school age.

IamAporcupine Tue 05-Jul-16 18:24:10

Thanks ladies
My son doesn't know and I of course will not bring it up.
lottielou7 that's awful, your poor DD!

Lottielou7 Tue 05-Jul-16 20:17:13

Yeah, I think she found it very confusing but she shrugged it off. Then afterwards the girl was all over her again. It baffles me!

WombOfOnesOwn Tue 05-Jul-16 23:44:59

Oh, lottie, that's such a hard one. To me it makes perfect sense -- this happened to me at that age and hurt, but I later realized the girl in question was made to feel absolutely hideous by the bullying girls, and that those same girls had scapegoated her friendship with me as a reason they were bullying her. By inviting them and not me, she somehow thought she'd make them like her and would have an easier time. It didn't work, of course, and she said her party was miserable (it ended up involving one of them claiming she had her 'period' and rubbing lipstick all over a pantiliner, then taking it out to the other girls to show how grownup she was).

There's no age where the party thing gets easier. It can feel rough to be excluded when you're 3 or 93. One of the best things I think a conscientious child can learn from this kind of disappointment is to realize that they control their own invite lists, and they should give some thought to whether there is someone who will feel sad/disappointed by a lack of invitation before they finalize the list -- and then figure out whether causing that person sadness/disappointment is something they can live with.

uhoh2016 Wed 06-Jul-16 04:22:01

Look on the bright side it's a few hours of your life saved not spending it with lots of screaming shouting exciting 4yr old and money you've saved buying a present for a kid you've no idea what they like or know what toys they already have.

BarbarianMum Wed 06-Jul-16 16:56:25

I don't know about you but when my ds was little I found the idea of him being slighted/left out/rejected/disappointed almost unbearable - he was so little and trusting and vulnerable. I think this is normal. As they get older they experience all these things and develop resilience and you do too. Ds1 is 10 now and I find I can say 'Never mind, maybe next time' and really not be that bothered.

IamAporcupine Wed 06-Jul-16 22:55:35

BarbarianMum that's exactly how I feel! sad

uhoh2016 funnily enough I do not mind doing those things. We do not have family around, or friends with children of my DS's age, so for him socialising is good.

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