Do you stop your kids from fighting with each other?

[pickledraisins]

I've recently started letting my kids get on with it if they start to fight with each other. They swipe at each other for 20 mins then someone cries and it usually stops.

This is about once or twice a day, they're 9 and 4. I used to get involved but this seems a much less stressful option and not massively worse then when I got involved. I put my head in a bubble.

I was just thinking about it and wondering whether it's irresponsible of me. However they don't seem to be trouble makers outside of the house. Obviously I'd jump on it straight away if they did it to someone else or in public.

What does everyone else do?

[corythatwas]

Do they go on playdates without you being present? (I would assume so, at least with the older one). I would just be aware that this is not behaviour that is likely to make them popular with other parents- or indeed other children (ds pleaded with me to let him drop his old friends because he was so sick of their mutual squabbling and swiping). Would the other parent tell you- or would invitations just dry up?

What about the accident risk?

And what about when they grow older? A 15yo may already be built like a man; if he takes a swipe at his 10yo brother, either because he thinks it is permissible or because he thinks you can't stop him, could do serious damage.

[corythatwas]

If you actually want to stop them, then I would have a discussion with them about house rules, get "no fighting" in there, and then separate them every single time.

[Haggisfish]

Only if I think it's an unfair fight!

[Haggisfish]

Who honestly does not still fight wit their sibling as a grown up, only you tend to do it verbally rather than physically. I think trying to stop them would be like stopping the tide. Mine don't fight when we are with other kids as they are distracted and not vying only with each other.

[WorraLiberty]

It's massively irresponsible imo.

Firstly, why do you want them to think that violence is acceptable, especially from one family member to another?

Secondly, there is a five year age gap between them.

It sounds like only a matter of time before one of them gets badly hurt.

Also, they'll be teens soon enough and probably much bigger than you. Do you really want to be separating them and getting hurt in the process?

Nip it in the bud now or you'll regret it.

[WorraLiberty]

And no, it isn't like stopping the tide.

Why would it be?

[corythatwas]

Agree with Worra. This is one where you want to start early. My parents were easy-going and understanding about many things but absolutely strict about the no-fighting rule, despite having 4 children with very different personalities. I have followed suit and found that because I started early and never gave way, it was just as possible to enforce this rule as any other.

[WorraLiberty]

I should add that my boys are 24, 17 and 13 now and even the 13 year old towers above me. I really wouldn't fancy ever having to break up a fight between them.

Some of my 24yr old's friends were thrown out of their homes by the time they were 16 and ended up living in council run hostels, due to fighting amongst other things, which eventually led to smashing up their homes in a temper.

[pickledraisins]

Thanks all. I thought it might be a bit more 50/50 but it seems not.

Better get my red card out again!

[Haggisfish]

I'm taking some of this on board too.