How do I help DD (3yo) deal with this girl in her class?

[minipie]

This might be a bit long but I don't want to drip feed.

DD is 3yo, at nursery school. There is a little girl in her class, let's call her A. When nursery started A became instant "best friends" with another girl B. Rest of the class (including DD) all friendly with each other but no other best friends. No problem.

We became friendly with B's parents and a few months ago they told us B is often upset by A, eg A won't let her play with other kids (which often means my DD as she tries to be friendly with both A and B).

Now over the last month or two DD has started to report things that A has said to her which had clearly upset her, eg A says I look like a boy. A says I don't have any friends. A sometimes lets me play but sometimes makes me stay on the side. I wish I was A's friend. A says nobody likes me. Etc. Last night DD was in tears about all this stuff, particularly being excluded from playing. This is really unusual for DD, she's not an especially sensitive sort of child usually.

I'm not sure what to do? So far I have told DD that A is not right and she has lots of friends and that X, Y and Z are all her friends. (Nursery have always told us DD has plenty of friends). And I tell her that if A won't let her play or says things that make her sad she should ignore A and go and play with someone else.

Is there anything else I could/should do? Should I raise it with nursery? I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, after all this kind of thing is bound to happen at some point I guess - I just didn't expect it so soon.

I remember having periods of being deliberately left out when I was at junior school and I know how hurtful it is... I really didn't want this to happen to DD

[LillyMom]

Wow. It sounds like A is that kind of "mean leader" child that wants to decide who plays with them and who should be left out. Unfortunately they are everywhere.
I would definitely talk to the nursery, because I suppose all kids should be allowed to have fun and be respected while they are apart from their parents. Coming home in tears because of another 3 yo is really unfair. Think that a so young kid says those things to your daughter... If nobody stops her she will start bullying other kids soon.
Nursery has to pay close attention to that unacceptable kind of behavior from A and fix it. I wouldn't think twice before raising it.

[Emochild]

Yes speak to nursery

Your dd needs to feel happy and safe and A needs some help with her social skills

[Florentina27]

I would tell nursery staff and maybe they'll let A's parents know about their child behaviour

[minipie]

Thanks everyone. Glad to know I'm not massively overreacting. dingalong I will look up that book thanks.

I did speak to nursery in the end, they were aware of A and B's on off relationship and said DD has recently tried to join that group - so I guess perhaps DD is included when A and B are not getting on but excluded when they are? They did say DD should tell them if she is being left out or upset by words, so they can encourage the right behaviour, so I will encourage her to do that. And will speak to DD about how things are every so often.

A is in DD's class again next year (and probably going to the same school at 4... Sigh). Mind you I don't want to demonise her, she's only 3 after all! And parents are nice. Just hope it's a phase and she grows out of it.

[babyblabber]

My daughter is a bit like A! I don't bunk she says mean things but she is very clingy when she makes a friend, I presume from insecurity. In her Creche she had a best friend & they adored each other but the minders used to separate them a bit which I think is good, even though DD would be a bit upset by it.

In her most recent class there are four girls including DD who are all great friends but the oldest and most outgoing is the most popular and the others fight over who gets to sit beside her at lunch etc.

I raised it with the teachers, asked was DD to clingy to this girl/smothering her etc and they said it's all very normal at this age (4) to be possessive over friends and put out when others are playing with them but it's all part of life!

I know you're by demonising A but she's probably like my DD so just thought I'd share our perspective. It'll probably all change again in a few months!