Difficult relationship with Son(6 Posts)
Hi all. I come here because I don't like to share on Facebook where family and friends can see my post but I have a question..
I had my son 10 years ago and I was only 18 years old but as I've become a mother to 4 more children I find my relationship with him extremely difficult compared to my others. I hadn't thought about this until today but the ought his pregnancy I never once felt him kick, I felt the odd pushing on my stomach as though he was getting comfortable but never felt him kick. I also never really bonded with him as new born where's I did with the other 4. I am wondering if maybe because I never really bonded with him while he was inside me and as a new born is that why our relationship is complicated? We can sometimes get on but if I ask him to do something repeatedly and get annoyed he also becomes annoyed then claims that I don't love him and I hate him and he wants to be adopted. We've just tarted getting family support because my 4 year old has been diagnosed with Autism and I'm living on my own during the week. I don't know if he feels I pay the others more attention than him or if it's a phase. I'm at my wits end and with people coming in from different support groups and that work with social services I'm concerned it might escalate? I try to make time for just him but my 8 year old won't do anything without him, he likes following in his big brothers footsteps, they already share a birthday so it's really hard for him to have anything for himself 😪 x
I think the relationship with your first is always that bit more fraught. I was older than you when I had my first but wasn't quite ready so I think it showed
do you think maybe he has undiagnosed traits of ASD like your younger one, which might have affected your communication with him,
Frankly, I think you are wasting your time looking for explanations in something that happened 10 years ago: bonding is an ongoing process, not a once-and-forever switching on the light.
I found when my ds became a pre-teen we needed to reconnect in all sorts of ways because he was changing and he was hormonal and needed reassurance that he could be independent and belong to the family both at the same time. It was not made easier by the fact that his sister was quite ill with a long term chronic condition. So in many ways not dissimilar from your situation.
I found tolerance and humour to be the most essential tools. And trying not to get emotional: ime nothing is going to panic a pre-teen boy as quickly as his parents getting visibly emotional. I have found over the years that I can get almost anything out of ds (now 16) as long as I keep calm and allow him to save face.
It's so frustrating because I try to talk to him if he's upset or angry and instead of voicing his opinions he sits there all stubborn and won't talk. (Just like his father, a stubborn mule) I keep trying to talk to him and get him to speak me but when he does its all about me hating him. Our main problem has been technology. It's got to a point that as soon as he walks through the door he no longer has his stuff because he fights with his siblings over them and then someone gets hurt. He walks too and from school on his own because I can't collect him from school because I don't drive but he likes the walk and I think he likes the independence of it all. I'm hoping once I pass my test I can start asking their dad to have the younger ones so I can just spend time with him, take him shopping or out for drive anything for just us to sit and talk without the others butting in.
You may have to accept that it is not possible to have a rational discussion with a hormonal preteen at the exact time when he is feeling upset and angry. I would also be a little wary of too many punishments which are going to serve to remind him that he is in disgrace and not coping with his feelings. Don't be afraid to discipline him if you have to, but try to wangle things so it doesn't come to a show-down discipline situation too often. Try not to paint yourself into a corner.
Calm, cheerful, brisk goes a long way ime. In cases of fighting: "you two, separate", briskly, then change the subject to something distracting. Get him to do a few things for you sneakily (by asking him something he quite likes doing, or by asking in such a way that he doesn't realise you are asking) every week so he can feel good about himself. Find out what he is interested in and see if he will let you engage in it (I watched football with ds).
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