Hi mummys!
This is my very first ever post on mumsnet! Over my 5 years of being a parent, the amount of times I've looked to mumsnet for advice is phenomenal! However; my latest dilemma I think required an actual registration and post from me.
I don't really know where to begin.
I guess...I'm 26, mother to a beautiful (almost) 5 year old boy, 3 years ttc baby no2 (secondary infertility) and with my partner for just over 6 years.
Now we've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, much like every other relationship in existence, but our problems have always stemmed from conflicting views and opinions on how to 'discipline' our son.
Let me tell you about my son! He was born 5 weeks early but weighed a teeny 3lbs 6oz. He spent the first 28 days of his life in NICU and so when he came home, I made sure I was the perfect mum for me. I will admit I have spoilt him! I do still 'baby' him in some ways and yes I am terrified of him growing up. BUT he is such a gentle, funny, bright and caring little boy who I am so incredibly proud of. He's currently at school, and just thinking about him makes me want to run down there and scoop him up and bring him home for snuggles!
Now..here is my dilemma! My partner and my son (he is his father) clash like nothing I've ever seen before! My partner works long hours on night shifts in the week so we only really get a Sunday together and I DREAD it! It's got to the point where sometimes I just have to walk away and leave them to it! They wind each other up, he teases him and he retaliates, then he takes it too far and he gets told off and then he throws a strop and I honestly forget sometimes that one of them is actually a 28 year old MAN!
I lost my dad when I was 5 years old (tragically) and so growing up without my dad around had an impact on my expectations of what a dad was. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my partner is a bad dad because he isn't, but at times he can be so...vile?!
We have had many arguments and 'breaks' because of how we choose to discipline our boy.
I was raised in a one parent home with siblings and we were brought up to be well mannered and respectful children and I like to think we carried that on into our adulthood. We hardly ever got smacked, but if we did, it never really hurt. Now my partner - he grew up with two parents, two older brothers and in a very old fashioned manner. His dad used to drink and then beat his mum, his mum would fight back. His brothers used to tease him and hit him and taunt him. I would have thought that growing up in environment would have softened him and made him more of a relaxed and gentle father. I was wrong. He his strict, he is stern, he shouts he swears and calls both me and my son names (usually 'stupid' or 'fool')
On 3 occasions, my other half has hit our son. All 3 occasions he has done it out of anger and exasperation and has left that awful looking handprint behind. He used to show remorse and plead with me and apologise and say that he didn't mean to do it that hard. His mother has also hit my son before too. I do not hit my baby. I would never hit my baby. After my pregnancy I am lucky to even have him alive and healthy and knowing that I will probably never be able to have another makes me appreciate just how precious he really is.
The last time his daddy hit him was about 18 months ago. He slapped him round the face. I felt sick. I felt like I had failed my poor boy by promising to protect him and failing.
We worked things out. He swore he would never touch him again. I promised him that if he did, he would be straight out that door!
Yesterday, our dreaded family Sunday, we took our boy crab fishing. For a 5 year old boy sitting by a canal with a bit of string is fun for about 10 minutes! And then it's boring. So his daddy was already annoyed by his behaviour. We then went to the In Laws house where my son was playing up again. Like a normal child!! I was in the kitchen when my son came to me crying and holding the side of his face. Yes..his daddy, his protector, his role model had slapped him across the face and left a big red and white handprint on his perfect little cheek. The rage just came out of me - his mother and father looked at me as though I was over reacting and I just wanted to scoop up my poor little angel and run away with him.
I haven't said a word to my other half. I know what I need to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. The fact that he thinks his actions can be justified and that he 'deserved' it just makes me feel so much hatred towards him. I don't even know it theres a tiny bit of love left for him. How can I allow the hands of a 6ft 2, 17 stone, heavily tattooed man hurt my child and then hold me at night. I cannot. I will not.
God I need help.
This post is so long and I'm sorry but I have no one to talk to. I'm ashamed to confide in my mum or my sister.
Please help me
Sincerely, one very heartbroken mummy.
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19 replies
Mylesmum · 18/04/2016 10:42
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