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I think I already know!

(20 Posts)
Mylesmum Mon 18-Apr-16 10:42:52

Hi mummys!
This is my very first ever post on mumsnet! Over my 5 years of being a parent, the amount of times I've looked to mumsnet for advice is phenomenal! However; my latest dilemma I think required an actual registration and post from me.
I don't really know where to begin.
I guess...I'm 26, mother to a beautiful (almost) 5 year old boy, 3 years ttc baby no2 (secondary infertility) and with my partner for just over 6 years.
Now we've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, much like every other relationship in existence, but our problems have always stemmed from conflicting views and opinions on how to 'discipline' our son.
Let me tell you about my son! He was born 5 weeks early but weighed a teeny 3lbs 6oz. He spent the first 28 days of his life in NICU and so when he came home, I made sure I was the perfect mum for me. I will admit I have spoilt him! I do still 'baby' him in some ways and yes I am terrified of him growing up. BUT he is such a gentle, funny, bright and caring little boy who I am so incredibly proud of. He's currently at school, and just thinking about him makes me want to run down there and scoop him up and bring him home for snuggles!
Now..here is my dilemma! My partner and my son (he is his father) clash like nothing I've ever seen before! My partner works long hours on night shifts in the week so we only really get a Sunday together and I DREAD it! It's got to the point where sometimes I just have to walk away and leave them to it! They wind each other up, he teases him and he retaliates, then he takes it too far and he gets told off and then he throws a strop and I honestly forget sometimes that one of them is actually a 28 year old MAN!
I lost my dad when I was 5 years old (tragically) and so growing up without my dad around had an impact on my expectations of what a dad was. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my partner is a bad dad because he isn't, but at times he can be so...vile?! hmm
We have had many arguments and 'breaks' because of how we choose to discipline our boy.
I was raised in a one parent home with siblings and we were brought up to be well mannered and respectful children and I like to think we carried that on into our adulthood. We hardly ever got smacked, but if we did, it never really hurt. Now my partner - he grew up with two parents, two older brothers and in a very old fashioned manner. His dad used to drink and then beat his mum, his mum would fight back. His brothers used to tease him and hit him and taunt him. I would have thought that growing up in environment would have softened him and made him more of a relaxed and gentle father. I was wrong. He his strict, he is stern, he shouts he swears and calls both me and my son names (usually 'stupid' or 'fool')
On 3 occasions, my other half has hit our son. All 3 occasions he has done it out of anger and exasperation and has left that awful looking handprint behind. He used to show remorse and plead with me and apologise and say that he didn't mean to do it that hard. His mother has also hit my son before too. I do not hit my baby. I would never hit my baby. After my pregnancy I am lucky to even have him alive and healthy and knowing that I will probably never be able to have another makes me appreciate just how precious he really is.
The last time his daddy hit him was about 18 months ago. He slapped him round the face. I felt sick. I felt like I had failed my poor boy by promising to protect him and failing.
We worked things out. He swore he would never touch him again. I promised him that if he did, he would be straight out that door!
Yesterday, our dreaded family Sunday, we took our boy crab fishing. For a 5 year old boy sitting by a canal with a bit of string is fun for about 10 minutes! And then it's boring. So his daddy was already annoyed by his behaviour. We then went to the In Laws house where my son was playing up again. Like a normal child!! I was in the kitchen when my son came to me crying and holding the side of his face. Yes..his daddy, his protector, his role model had slapped him across the face and left a big red and white handprint on his perfect little cheek. The rage just came out of me - his mother and father looked at me as though I was over reacting and I just wanted to scoop up my poor little angel and run away with him.
I haven't said a word to my other half. I know what I need to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. The fact that he thinks his actions can be justified and that he 'deserved' it just makes me feel so much hatred towards him. I don't even know it theres a tiny bit of love left for him. How can I allow the hands of a 6ft 2, 17 stone, heavily tattooed man hurt my child and then hold me at night. I cannot. I will not.
God I need help.
This post is so long and I'm sorry but I have no one to talk to. I'm ashamed to confide in my mum or my sister.
Please help me
Sincerely, one very heartbroken mummy.

NoCapes Mon 18-Apr-16 10:48:33

What exactly are you asking?
If anyone else whacked your son in the face and left handprints would you let him near him again?
Get your child away from this violent bullying piece of shit and never let him beat him unsupervised again
And I am absolutely agog that you want another baby with this child abuser???

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Apr-16 10:52:18

I wonder if this might be better in the relationships topic. You don't have a parenting issue-you have a serious problem with your partner.

You told him last time if he hit your son again you'd be put the door. What's stopping you from following through?

NoCapes Mon 18-Apr-16 10:53:48

Near him unsupervised*
Never let him beat him atall!

WienerDiva Mon 18-Apr-16 10:55:53

Ring Women's Aid and get the hell out of there. Then call the police.

The law is quite clear on smacking. You CANNOT leave a mark. And he has done it more than once!

And seeing as you've said that you would leave him if he did it again, I suggest you follow your own advice and do so. There has to be a major consequence to his major action.

Of course his parents are going to think you're overreacting when they are clearly a pair of abusers themselves.

Which in itself isn't a good enough excuse for him to be hitting your child! As an adult he knows the difference between right and wrong regards as to whether or not it happened when he was younger.

Your poor son, it must be like living with Jekyll and Hyde. He must be so confused having two parents so polar opposite from one another.

The best thing you can do is to raise him yourself with NO influence from your (hopefully so to be ex) partner.

Mylesmum Mon 18-Apr-16 10:57:14

He's never beat him. He's lost his temper and smacked him. Twice on the bum. Twice round the face.
I guess I need confirmation from someone, anyone that I'm doing the right thing.
I did want another baby. Desperately. But not with him anymore. I've had 6 months of treatment with no luck and 3 years of trying and I'm now starting to believe that the reason I can't have another is because of him.
I'm sorry I didn't know where to post this!

Mylesmum Mon 18-Apr-16 10:58:33

Thankyou!

NoCapes Mon 18-Apr-16 10:58:41

He has whacked him in the face hard enough to leave a mark
He has beat him
And so has his mother
Stop defending this man and start defending your child!

DorynownotFloundering Mon 18-Apr-16 10:59:26

If you don't leave, your son's earliest memories will not just be of a father who hit him but that
his mother didn't protect him & remove him from danger
Please remove both of you from this dreadful man, it can only escalate.

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Apr-16 11:05:17

I'm sorry I didn't know where to post this!
Honestly, it wasn't a criticism-I was just thinking the relationships board is full of advice and support. Lots of posters there who've been in the same position as you and escaped. If you report your post mumsnet will move it for you.

scotsgirl64 Mon 18-Apr-16 11:06:14

It's totally unacceptable for him to hit your child...has he ever hit you?.... I think you know you must leave him.Have you got somewhere safe you can go. This kind of behaviour will only escalate. flowers

BisherBasherBosher Mon 18-Apr-16 15:07:53

What you've described is a beating. You need to leave this man and call the police.

knittingbee Mon 18-Apr-16 20:03:50

My boy is a similar age to yours. He can be an absolutely little pain. It would NEVER occur to me or my partner to hit him around the face for any reason. Why would it? I wouldn't hit a grown-up round the face, certainly not a defenceless child. Please leave this man immediately. Clearly he has issues but you gave him the chance to change and now you need to protect your son.

Imeg Mon 18-Apr-16 20:10:28

My husband is far from perfect and I am quite sure we will have our differences of opinion as our son grows up but this is completely beyond acceptable: the fact that it's illegal should tell you that, even if it's hard for you to see things objectively at the moment.
I wish you and your son all the best.

Haudyerwheesht Mon 18-Apr-16 20:18:45

Come on. I have a 5 year old and if dh slapped her across the face I would never be able to look at him in the same light again. He has Abused your child. You need to leave and you need to do it now (or him leave whichever) but you have to protect your son and you can't do that with your partner.

And fwiw Dd (5) can be demanding, annoying, cheeky, wilfully naughty etc etc and nothing would make it OK to hit her.

Dixiechick17 Mon 18-Apr-16 20:33:00

I used to work for the NSPCC, I would call their adult helpline for advice. I get that some parents still give a smack on the bum or a tap on the hand, I don't agree with it, but him smacking your then 3 year old and now 5 year round the face old made me well up and feel sick... and read outloud to my DH he was shocked.

The adult helpline is confidential and they will be able to advise you accordingly, please call them, it won't stop at this.

Kent1982 Mon 18-Apr-16 21:23:57

This is so sad, but I couldn't read and run. I think he is going to have to go, you don't have a great deal of choice here. If someone slapped me I would never speak to them again never mind my baby. I've managed to get through life without slapping anyone and I'm quite hot headed myself.

I'm not some vigilante leave him type but the way I see it is you see your boy and his life and how you want him bringing up and what you want him exposed to and that's not it, we learn our behaviour off our parents. Not to forget the poor little chap will be scared. You sound lovely and like you really will do the right thing what ever that may be.

Kent1982 Mon 18-Apr-16 21:36:27

Sorry I read your post again and it's so sad, I'm leaving a man very shortly who is a bit of a twat, selfish, crap dad, big drinker( just too much socially and too regular) I have 1 baby I would have liked more but I need to concentrate on what I have.

What I'm getting at is I don't want my angel to be selfish, around drink and to value women and if I remain there is a fair chance that's what will happen. So I have no choice because I want the best for him, the best environment, the happiest home, without tension etc. I know it's hard but people don't change all we can do is change the impact they have on us. Leaving is hard, I'm waiting for my house to go through and every day I see a glimmer of a happy family life and question if it's the right thing to do, but for my son, I know, yes it is the right thing. I hope you are ok,

GooseberryRoolz Mon 18-Apr-16 21:45:08

Kick him out or take your son and leave.

He's already had too many chances. Just do it.

Newtobecomingamum Mon 18-Apr-16 22:56:04

This is horrendous and so sad. Please get your little boy away from this monster. You need to be strong for your son and take immediate action. The advice all listed above is excellent. Poor little boy sad

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