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Parenting

ideas to improve behaviour of DS10

12 replies

challengingDS · 23/06/2015 19:02

Looking for top tips to manage the behaviour of 10 year old DS.

We struggle to find threats or bribes that have any effect. He doesnt watch TV from choice and whilst he will use the computer he is not addicted and really only chooses to use if for his own research so is totally unaffected if banned from it. He never uses the Wii. He doesnt have any personal gadgets/phone etc that I could remove.

He is unaffected by being grounded or at least will not show he is bothered and it does not appear to have any impact. He goes to cubs/swimming etc but would be quite happy not to go so there is no hobby I can use. Totally uninterested in money so pocket money is not a motivator.

He is absorbed for hours with a pen and paper or books and always seems quite happy if given time out in his room. He doesnt care what his peers think in as much as he doesnt want to conform so doesnt succumb to peer pressure.

All Suggestions welcome.

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NickiFury · 23/06/2015 19:13

What is he doing that is problematic?

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Smerlin · 23/06/2015 19:16

Not much context to go on on why you need the threats etc but can he do 'community service' type punishments where he makes good what he has done wrong rather than have something taken away?

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challengingDS · 23/06/2015 20:21

Maybe kicking a younger sibling when they annoy him or that type of thing. I was hoping for something to motivate him ie to walk to school nicely. As an example I asked him to apologize to an adult he accidentally knocked into and he refused and I was struggling to find a threat other than you go home and to your room until you are ready to write an apology if you wont say sorry in person which didn't give an instant apology as it could be a few days.

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chumbler · 24/06/2015 07:42

tbh that sounds like a big overreaction to accidentally knocking into someone. model good behaviour. don't use threats. if he kicks his sibling say you're sorry he did that (to the sibling) and he will hopefully follow your lead. has he done much else? I think maybe you need to relax a little

look to praise the good things, don't look for threats. treat him to nice new pens, a new book or something if you're looking to do something

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Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 07:46

It sounds like he might be motivated by praise and approval rather than material things.
Is there anything he really wants like to walk to the shop on his own, later bedtime, cook his own dinner?

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challengingDS · 24/06/2015 10:16

He hurt an adult although his intention was to kick a child beside the adult but resulted in knocking into the adult. I asked him to apologize as she was hurt and definitely expected an apology. A cursory sorry would have sufficed.

He refused point blank and I felt I should have had some sanction that would have resulted in his apologizing. Am I over reacting? I thought all adults would expect a 10 year old to say sorry if they hurt an adult? Should I not insist? Should I not insist he apologizes to a child, whether a sibling or not if he attacks them. I have always insisted and thought that was standard policy?

I struggle to think of anything he wants that I can get for him and he doesn't have suggestions. He would like play dates and I do try but no one really wants their child associated with him. I know he is unhappy about this but it is a vicious circle as parents believe he is a bad influence. Examples such as given of refusing to apologize for what they see as no reason shock other parents and worsen his reputation.

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GooseyLoosey · 24/06/2015 10:26

Have you explained to him the consequences that his behaviour have on his own life and his ability to interact with his peers?

My son (now 12) is not the most socially adept and he and I have talked a lot about how other people perceive some of his behaviour and what he needs to do to change it. He does care how his peers see him and understanding this does lead to him changing his behaviour.

I also have a dd (10) who is also disinterested in all of the things that you mention. Her currency is attention. If she has done something wrong and won't make amends, I sit down with a coffee, book and head phones until she is ready to engage with me. Much more effective than sending her to her room where she can entertain herself for hours. She cannot bear to be ignored for even 5 minutes.

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challengingDS · 24/06/2015 12:19

Goosey- we talk about it all the time. After each unacceptable action I explain how people perceive it and how they dont see him at home busy reading they just see his behaviour on the school gates. The sad thing is I think he realizes he cant change the perception which is probably true although hopefully secondary school will be a fresh start. I think he does understand but sees it as hopeless.

What does your Dd do whilst you ignore her? I dont think DS would be bothered but all his younger siblings would be very distressed by this. What should they do? I do tend to send him to his room to calm down for their sakes but agree he can entertain himself happily there but he can anywhere really as he is always so busy as long as he has a book or a piece of paper but even an elastic band would do.

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WhetherOrNot · 24/06/2015 14:20

So he actually ENJOYS going to his room because he has pens and paper and can do what he wants? That's NOT punishing him.

Take away all his pens and paper, and empty his room of everything except his bed.

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challengingDS · 24/06/2015 14:50

Whether - I have considered that but is that being too harsh as the opinion here seems to be refusing to say sorry or kicking a sibling is not as big a deal as I think it is? I tend to send to his room to give his siblings a break and to give us some space. I am aware he wont hate being there but of course he would rather have the choice to go or not. I agree it is not a real punishment hence my original post. Removing all books and paper and pens is quite a big decision though and might seem an over reaction if he told school it was just for refusing to say sorry rather than for arson or stealing or something where they might understand especially when many children would not care if their books were taken.

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chumbler · 24/06/2015 18:06

ah so you're definitely not overreacting!

do you think he has low self esteem? wants attention for "being naughty", not many play dates - doesn't sound like he's very happy? have you tried talking to the teacher to get their perspective?

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/whats_worrying_you_about_your_child/self-esteem/about_self-esteem

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challengingDS · 24/06/2015 20:42

Chumbler - He sees someone at school weekly for self esteem at our request and we are in almost weekly contact with school for his happiness and to ensure his cooperation at school. He doesnt misbehave at school according to school but will only work for teachers he likes so we have had years with no progress on school levels and no homework. However he is still working at year 6 standard at school despite this - according to them - he is in year 5 (his knowledge appears far above this at home). Although school deny there is any behavioural problem at school other parents perception is different (but they are not there so presumably their children may give them a different impression to the teachers impression). School say they dont understand why parents dont want him to mix with their children.