8 year old lying

[movingonishard]

I recently discovered my 8 year lying to me. When I've asked further, he'll tell the truth but says he lies to start with because he's scared i'll be cross :( I'm so rarely cross with him as he's so well behaved and have hardly ever even raised my voice with him. On the od occasion i have, he is usually very upset. I'm so sad and disappointed and feel i've totally failed. One of the reasons me and his dad split up was over lies, ds know his dad lies as he does it to him too. I've always tried to stress the importance of being honest to him and i truly thought he was until recently. He promised last week not to lie again, but has done it again today. I really don;t know how to deal with this. Any thoughts?

[movingonishard]

Anyone??

[WineWineWine]

EVERYONE lies. We all lie - regularly, but we tell ourselves that some of those lies aren't real lies or some of them are justifiable.
Your DS is a child, trying to make sense of the world. He wants to please you so is trying to be the person you want him to be. This makes it harder to be honest because he is trying to second guess what you want to hear.
Relax and back off a bit. If you want to get information out of him, say: tell me about.... or what happened when....
and give him a break when he is not completely honest with you.
It sounds like he is a great kid, don't have unrealistic expectations of perfection!

[AnnaD25]

I wouldn't worry about it. lots of kids tell white lies and most adults do too. My 5 year old is a lovely well behaved bright little girl and she tells porkys sometimes. she blames her poor little brother for knocking a cup over when he's asleep in the other room lol when she dose that I say to her is your nose going to grow long? shall I call you penokio? she giggles and says no. it was me really but I didnt mean to. We hug and its forgotten. Don't be upset you haven't failed, x

[movingonishard]

Thanks for all your responses - i really appreciate it:)
Yes, sadly I probably am a bit over sensitive about lies because of my marriage ending.

[skolastica]

The pinocchio nose growing response is a good one - we used it too. It lightens things up and that is important.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I found a twinkly 'are yoooou suuure?' And laughing / tickling helped.

You have to be very careful not to make your child the vessel for your triggers around lying. Don't make the son carry around that blame and guilt.

Kids are very sensitive to this kind of thing and will often internalise it into their identity. My parents were incredibly strict on lying and told me I was a liar, I couldn't be trusted, no one wanted to listen to me/ be with me... And that really stuck with me. I am NOT a liar btw, but I felt like one for years. They didn't mean to do that and were inept in numerous ways at parenting. I wouldn't inagjne you're like them, but, be generous and warm with your son please!

Don't force him into positions where he has to lose face by admitting a lie, when backed into a corner children will say anything to preserve themselves. I'd give him an out which protects his sense of self esteem, but allows him to agree lying wasn't the best option.