At the end of my tether with 10 years old DD....

[babyiwantabump]

Just don't know what to do now. Had enough. I give up . The constant battles and arguments are pushing me over the edge!

I only want her to have a sodding bath or wash and clean her teeth! You'd think I was trying to get her to dip into a bath of acid the way she reacts!

And she smells now too- has to use deodorant or she gets very sweaty and smelly very quickly so you think she would want to bath everyday but nope!

Her hair was discusting this morning.
Any one have any ideas? How can I get her to be clean!

[smugmumofboys]

No idea if this will work with your DD, but at that age I bought DS1 some Lynx shower gel etc. He's never out of there now. Is there a girls' equivalent to Lynx?

Mind you 10 yr old DS2 is a complete soap dodger.

[babyiwantabump]

Oh and dentist last night she has to have her first filling! At 10! I'm hoping that has shocked her into cleaning her teeth properly!
That used to be a battle too - her teeth would be visably furry and she would "forget" or just shrug after constant - clean your teeth , clean your teeth etc every morning and night - even downloaded the brush time app to make it fun!

[babyiwantabump]

She has loads of shower gel sets and bath sets - she just hates it!

I just don't understand why. Both me and DP shower or bath most bays twice a day!

Can't even get her to have a quick flick round with a flannel as she literally screams in my face!
It's embarrassing!

[babyiwantabump]

Bays = days

[DishwasherDogs]

Have you ever asked her why?
I may be way off the mark but it could be a sensory issue. I can't get near ds with a towel, he says it hurts.
Bathing/washing him has improved with rewards and incentives, and explaining that other dc might say he smells if he doesn't wash.

[Pelicangiraffe]

She needs to be starting to take responsibility for herself. Try a tick list she can work her way through each morning. A reward for completing it each week.

[Ledkr]

My dd can be like this. I'm just relentless in my insistence whilst remaing calm.
"Repeat the action ignore the tantrums"
Offer small rewards at the end of the week.
Buy nice toiletries.
To be honest mine is nearly 13 and they are hard work.
I'd recommend getting to grips with what works while ages still only 10

[Ledkr]

Grin your second post it does sound as if it's just become a battle of wills.
She's trying to show you she's in charge. She's not.
What does she enjoy that she cannot do if she doesn't do as she's told / really should do for health.
For my dd it would be the I pad.

[babyiwantabump]

She just says she doesn't like it- then when she's in she doesn't bloody want to get out! I can't win!

I'm just so fed up of it - have tried the confiscating of things - that doesn't work either !

I just think she must feel horrible - I feel grim if I'm halfway through the day and haven't showered let alone going a couple of days at a time like she does!

[DishwasherDogs]

Not wanting to get out can also point towards it being a sensory issue.

[Quitelikely]

Don't engage in arguments. Every day is too much for her but Four days per week is ok.

Tell her she smells of BO and it's unpleasant for you, dh and her fellow pupils.

Advise when she moves out she can live in stink.

[MarianneSolong]

If there are sensory issues - or other high-functioning autistic traits, which may be masked in girls - then the 'show her who's boss' tactics or 'punishment/reward strategies advised by some are unlikely to produce significant results.

[momb]

YD(10) is the same: happy to brush her hair for hours and shave her legs but will scream 'I HAVE!!!' in my face if I ask if she's done her teeth, even though they are slimey with half her dinner between them. If I offer to help she has to run up the stairs ahead of me to get her brush under the tap so I won't guess. The lies and constant reminding is draining.

Simultaneously she has stopped wanting her favourite foods 'I don't like X' in a rude voice and is struggling to decide what to wear. I'm trying not to lose my temper with her as it is clearly a developmental phase but you are right OP: we can't win!

[Notgoodwithwords]

Have exactly the same battles with my dd who is 11.. I really don't have an answer. I nag & shout & try to shame her into taking better care of herself. I tell her school life is tough as bullies only need to find a small thing to pick on like greasy hair or bad breath & they will make your life hell.
She doesn't seem to take any pride in her appearance, she is not bothered what she wears & doesn't look after her pocessions it is infuriating.
I'm hoping it's just a phase & very soon I won't be able to get into the bathroom for her preening herself.

My mum suggested it's her thing to control & she is rebelling because she knows how much it upsets me. I just see her as lazy & ungrateful for the things I buy her.

[Tykeisagirl]

If it's not a sensory issue I'd say she's reached the age where she's autonomous in many aspects of her life, and just sees washing and teeth cleaning as pointlessly dull chores without any benefit to her. Sooner or later the benefits on not smelling of BO/having bad breath will start to outweigh her desire to not bother, but right at this point, where she's balanced between childhood and the teen years, they haven't.

The only thing I can suggest is punishment/reward for washing and teeth cleaning until she gets there on her own, which I'm sure she will.

[Pelicangiraffe]

Make a check list with her. One she can tick off each morning. Then go through it with her every night in a nice how did you do manner

[babyiwantabump]

Momb- that sounds exactly like my DD!

Notgoodwith- I know exactly how you feel and I've already talke to her about bullies and how they might just need one little thing and run with IT. She's quite confident that this isn't going to happen as they don't have bullies at her school apparently .

I've also said that boys won't like her - she said good!

Banging head against brick wall didn't work either!

No sensory issues - she's not autistic and has no other issues - just being a tweenager I think .

Will try the checklist or maybe drag out her old reward chart from when she was a toddler! Might work as she seems to like behaving like one!

[Muskey]

Thank god I'm not the only one. I was beginning to think my dd was the only child who won't wash, clean her teeth etc. I really do hope it's a phase. Deep breath and breathe

[Calmthefeckdown]

Could you and your dh showering twice a day might have have something to do with. Are you overly cleanly and perhaps she is kicking back against that? I'm not saying it is your fault btw but I don't know anyone who showers twice a day (unless doing a dirty manual job) - maybe she has it down as a 'chore' as she sees it happening so much (at least four a day plus any others who shower in the house). I may be talking bollocks of course (it has happened before...) but the twice a day showering leapt out of your post to me.

[babyiwantabump]

I work in nhs so shower before and after work as come into close contact with bodily fluids - but when not at work it's once .

DP works with cats so gets greasy and quite dirty at work hence twice .

I think she's just lazy

[babyiwantabump]

Oops cars not cats

[Bakeoffcakes]

I wouldn't tell her boys won't like her! She's only 10!

I'd be more inclined to say that other children will start to notice she is smelling.

I'd tell her she has to shower every other day. That she can choose what time, shower gels etc and its non negotiable and introduce the reward charts etc.

[TheFirstOfHerName]

I did wonder exactly what he was doing to the cats.

Teeth brushing is quite low on 10 year old DD's list of priorities, as is applying her eczema cream. I see both of these as non-negotiable. I think that long-term consequences don't seem real to her.

[Itsfab]

My DD does have physical issues but I didn't think that was why she wasn't showering or washing her hair enough. She just didn't do it. We have had a chat, I have bought her everything she needs and now she is nearly 11 1/2 and likes the products bought, she showers daily and washes her hair every other day at least.

Telling a 10 year old boys won't like her if she smells is a daft thing to say when society already has a problem with kids growing up too quick. It should be about feeling nice for herself and smelling pleasant for people around her.

DD's retort was people don't go around smelling me!

My 9 year old son showers morning and night and washes his hair regularly. He is a bit slack at teeth cleaning, he does them but not as well as he should be since we send him back to redo them he has realised once well is better than twice.

[babyiwantabump]

I was running out of things to bribe her with - hence the boys comment . Didn't work anyway!