Feeling sad about going back to work after maternity leave

[mommathatwearspink]

I will be returning to work full time in January after having 10 months off (DD will be 9 months) and at the moment its just making me feel sad .

The last year has been amazing... I loved every minute of my pregnancy, her birth was a nice experience and we have done some lovely things and met some lovely people whilst being on maternity leave.

I have to return full time as we would like to move out of town for better schools for DD's future. I am also part way through a course studying HR. I have no idea how I am going to get anything done around the house, nevermind studying and selling our house aswell.

I feel awful about putting my DD in nursery full time and feel like I will be a part time parent. I've even cried a few times thinking she will have a better bond with the nursery staff than me. Her nursery is lovely and I have every confidence in them but I just wish she could be with me, even if it was only a day or two a week.

I can't really talk to DP about how I'm feeling as he just believes I should be returning to work full time regardless. As he works full time and doesn't get a day off with her, he doesn't believe I should either.

[Missrabbitshouldjoinaunion]

Try not to feel sad, I loved going back to work, it was amazing. Money, drinks, adult stuff.

DS loves his nursery but still loves me most. And it's really not part time parenting - 8/9 hours a day is nothing especially by the time you factor in a nap, mealtimes which are just mundane and boring anyway (especially as they get older and more belligerent) you're probably only missing out on 4-5 hours of fun time anyway.

I keep DS up until 8pm to have post work fun, I do bare minimum housework - ie no one gets poisoned from the kitchen and bathroom, clothes are clean but not ironed etc.

[Missrabbitshouldjoinaunion]

And also, DS was an amazing baby and I did feel a bit sad about going back to work. He then hit 14 months (now 2.8) and became a premenstural anti-Christ. I am so glad I get 9 hours of respite a day from what must be the worlds most challenging toddler! It means I have patience to deal with him appropriately for the 5 hours a day I do see him.

[kalidasa]

I went back to work early (4.5 months) so DS, who's nearly 2 now, has been in full-time childcare of one sort of another since then (childminder till he was 18 months, a nanny since then as I have been in hospital/disabled since May and we need the extra help). Even though he loves his nanny and I was in hospital for weeks over the summer and still can't go out with him or pick him up or play many games with him - I am still his Mummy, it is obvious that his bond with me and DH is quite different from that with anyone else, and it is us (and especially me) that he wants/needs if he is ill/worried. With all the ill-health/hospital time this year I've been a much more absent Mummy than you will be just because you go back to work, so I hope that reassures you a bit! Small children are very adaptable - your DD doesn't have an idea of what her Mummy "should" be doing with her. My DS probably thinks that all Mummies are in wheelchairs!

Give it a year or so back at work to see how you get on with it but if you would really prefer to be at home more is that something you could work towards, financially, after your move? A lot of women seem to change their arrangements after no. 2, if that's on the cards, perhaps going back part time. Your DD will be fine either way, but if it really makes you unhappy that's a different issue and one you should talk over with your DH.

[waterrat]

To offer another point of view - I have always worked part time and I love it - your daughter will be fine In childcare and will still love you the best BUT ,, I personally would be really sad to work full time so I think that you should pursue that if it matters to you

Have you talked it through properly with your partner - consider all the options such as delaying moving etc /
I agree with others that your daughter will be fine in child care but if you enjoy being with her it's okay to make that happen ! You are her mum and it's such a short time till she is at school all day anyway

[WhyOWhyWouldYou]

I can't really talk to DP about how I'm feeling as he just believes I should be returning to work full time regardless. As he works full time and doesn't get a day off with her, he doesn't believe I should either.

I'm sorry but I think that is absolutely awful. Im rather shocked. Surely rather than him just being all "you have to go out to work away from our DD because I have to", he should be willing to discuss alternatives and think about what option is best for your DD first and foremost and then what's best for the both of you, as parents. Whether that option be both dropping some hours, so you both get time with her, one of you dropping hours or one of you being a sahp or whether actually for you all as a family its better to both work full time to get the finances you want to move. There's no right or wrong answer for it but it should all be up for discussion and not just about him.

[ch1134]

It's best for us all with me in work too but it's tough. I miss my son... would be part time if I could, especially if it's just for a school so far in the future.

[UngratefulMoo]

I completely empathise. I returned to work four months ago when DD1 was 11 months - my honest experience has been:
I feel SO much more myself than I did while on mat leave - and much more confident
I find saying goodbye to DD hard every morning, but by the time I get to work I'm fine
It hasn't affected our bond AT ALL - in fact it's stronger than ever
I so appreciate the extra money
I am busier than I ever thought possible!

So definitely a mixture, but a lot of positives and now just a part of how my life has changed.

But, you know what - firstly, your DH shouldn't be putting you under pressure - it's a joint decision, and secondly - nothing is forever - if you go back and it doesn't work you can look at changing things. Not always easy but it can be done.

Good luck x

[mommathatwearspink]

Thank you for all of your advice

ungrateful the bit about feeling more yourself when you returned to work touched me. Although my daughter is the most precious thing to me in the world and I've enjoyed every minute of my maternity leave, somedays I just don't feel like me and my confidence has lowered. Hopefully going back to work will bring that back to me

[CountBapula]

I know how you feel. I'm back almost full time in January after 10 months off (DS2 will be 9 months old). He is my last baby so I feel a bit :( that I'll never go on maternity leave again. I didn't have a great time of it when DS1 was a baby (I had PND) but it's been completely different this time - I've loved hanging out with DS2 and cuddling him, plus it's been great to be there for DS2 when he comes out of preschool. I've made lots of lovely friends too. DH will be taking 3 months off so I won't have to worry about childcare to start with.

I'm a bit anxious about going back because I've just been promoted (gulp) so I'll have a lot to juggle.

I'm just trying to remind myself that when I went back after DS1 it was all fine - he was fine with his CM, and I had a fab time at work: having adult conversation, wearing clothes without baby goo smeared on them, reading on the train, drinking hot drinks at leisure, having a wee by myself. It is a wrench but you'll get into a routine. The house won't be as messy because you won't be in it all day!

Think about what you can do now to make life easier when you go back (setting up weekly online food shop, bulk cooking, meal planning, finding a cleaner etc). It might distract you a bit from the sad bit.

Oh and if you want to cut your hours, your DP should be sympathetic. It's about what's best for you and DD - if it's financially viable, he shouldn't stand in your way.

[UngratefulMoo]

mommathatwearspink - I hope so too! I'm sure you will (although I'm sure there will also be a few wobbles!)

And CountBapula - congratulations!!!

[Thankfulmum88]

I'm going back to work soon and reading your message has really helped me feel so much better

[namechangeforholiday]

I completely understand how you feel, I went back to work after 8 months ML when my DC was 7 months and also returned FT. I loved my job before ML and was worried that I would be less competent/confident after time off and also be a poorer parent to DS who was used to be being there 24/7.

I've not been back at work around 3 months and it's much easier that I thought. I still love my job and not only had DS settled in well at nursery but he's doing amazing with his milestones so I think that's really helping his development. I remember crying before going back incase I missed any "firsts" but I haven't missed any so far and he's now talking, standing up and crawling like a pro. Nursery have also been a huge help with weaning as he's definitely more adventurous from seeing other babies try things.

What's harder is just keeping on top of housework as I've struggled so lower my standards of tidyness! But midweek the reality is the house is clean but an extra Hoover or dust would be good. The reality is when we get home our focus is on playing with DS, dinner, cleaning up, bath time and bed for all. It's also hard when DS is tired/grumpy some nights when I get home because he's teething or particularly tired. The final challenge is getting through a day at work if he hasn't Rajeev well during the night! But you can drink hot coffee which I never did on ML as I don't have hot drinks near him . Previous snowflake after all.

I think your husband's comment does sound harsh, but is is perhaps just badly communicated? My DH and I are both FT but I have the ability to work one of my days on his day off meaning we each have a day per week with DS. The upside is it keeps our nursery fees down to paying 3 days as opposed to 5. The downside is each week my DH and I only have one day off together, but realistically we want to move house in the next couple of years so we need to sacrifice time together to afford that. So it's worth it.

It is possible that your DH feels he's missed out on bonding as much with your DC by not having the ML break and now feels that his bond will lessen further? If that isn't what he means I think he needs to understand how you feel.

But you do need to consider the longterm impacts of being PT. As you want to move you would have reduced income, plus reduced contribution to pension etc.

I hope like me it's easier than you thought and you enjoy being back at work. Though the best part of my day is seeing my DS' gorgeous smile when I walk in at night

[user1492287253]

i did 3 years at home with Dd1 and Dd2. the first day i went back to work, and had a lunchtime when i just had to pick up a handbag and stroll to the shops i still cherish 20 years later.
my top tip is not to re examine your decision on a daily basis. decide you are going to do this for 6 months and will think about it again then.

[Iheartpedro]

She went back to work 2.5 years ago!! Old thread!!!

[namechangeforholiday]

I hate when I don't notice someone has put a zombie thread back to active

[hickorydickorynurseryrhyme]

Don't go back to work full time unless you have to. I truly believe that when they are so young they really benefit being at home with their mother. It is just my view however and I am not here to judge you or anyone else who works full time with young children.

[hickorydickorynurseryrhyme]

ooops just seen this is an old thread