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Do you ever feel that you are losing control?

(18 Posts)
Jules Mon 04-Mar-02 14:27:41

Of your own emotions that is. I have two young children, and some days there are moments when they drive me crazy and I feel just that, that I am going crazy. I am afraid that I have really lost my temper a few times. I would never hurt my children, but I have shouted at them and even smacked or physically restrained them. These instances have been when they have are running about or jumping around like mad things, and we are trying to go out, and they won't listen to me or get ready. Afterwards I feel terribly guilty, and I feel confused too. I have never been an angry type of person and I cannot understand these terrible moments of temper that come over me. Does anyone ever feel the same? Can anyone give advise? Perhaps I should talk to a therapist? Does anyone know how you go about this?

lulu40 Mon 04-Mar-02 14:42:15

Jules you dont need therapy its just being a parent - I would not say I did not have a temper before I had ds but I find it quite horrifying how vile I can be now!!! Only this morning I found myself shouting at him and looking at his little face crumpling up but after reading various threads on Mumsnet and talking with friends know with my hand on my heart that is it perfectly normal to behave like this - kids are here to try us and try us they do - dont be too hard on yourself - try to take 5 minutes timeout in another room - walk around the garden (if you are lucky enough to have one) phone a friend - go on line and rant to us - it all helps - take care x

Clover Mon 04-Mar-02 16:21:48

Jules, I have always been fairly calm and rarely lose my temper - that was until I had my son. I can't believe how angry he can make me. It's usually when I'm trying to get to work and he won't put on his shoes and coat (yes, we go without them sometimes) and I can't get him in the pram. I have been shocked at how angry I am but luckily I have never done more than shout (although I'm even cross with myself for doing that). Friends I've talked to have found themselves in similar situations, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack and just try and control the situation better next time it happens. I'm sure shouting does not help a situation like this, so I'm just going to try and take a deep breath and keep as cool as I can. Easy to say when you're not in the situation but I can only try to handle things better next time. Good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself

Sheila Mon 04-Mar-02 20:33:00

Jules, I struggle with this constantly -in fact I had a huge shout at ds this very evening when he refused to go in his bath, clean his teeth, have his hands washed etc. It sounds so pathetic as I write it but after a long day of him refusing to do anything I wanted - even things I know he likes like going on the bus - I really lost it. What made my rage go away was talking out loud to him about it - sounds funny but I said something like "I'm sorry but I'm really cross with you at the moment and I can't help it even though I know it's not your fault". I know it sounds corny but just saying it made me feel better. Ds is 2 and probably couldn't understand much of what I said. I don't think it'd work with an older kid - I'd be too embarrassed! Anyway we managed to end the day reasonably harmoniously, although I still feel terrible about it and think he deserves a better mother than me.

I know these times happen more often when I'm tired and stressed. Someone else told me here that her child gave her the hardest times when she was at her lowest ebb and I really think that's true - could this be the case for you?

Pupuce Mon 04-Mar-02 20:39:30

Sheila- you'd be amazed how much they actually understand versus how much they can talk... don't be so hard on yourself

hollyjo Wed 06-Mar-02 15:04:58

It is so reassuring to see that other people are shouting and generally feeling driven round the bend by their child/children. My daughter (3 in April) seems to be ruling our social life by refusing to get dressed so it is difficult to leave the house, refusing to invite friends over. (So I have to pretend that they have just dropped in un-planned), behaving fairly atrociously when people do come, grabbing the phone and refusing to let go - almost to the point of pulling the wire out of its socket - while I am trying to speak. Also trying to wake up the baby when she is asleep. Probably, for me, the hardest to deal with because in the course of negotiations the baby is woken up anyway. It all sounds so trivial, but as others have said, by the end of a day you feel at the end of your tether. I wonder how long this stage will last?

Maia Wed 06-Mar-02 19:36:54

Its good to know that I'm not the only one with these problems too. Most of family and friends wouldn't believe how angry I get with my pair as I'm such a laid back person most of the time. It even takes me by suprise.

My concern recently was that my eldest started answering me back with a really angry contorted face and I thought'my god, is that what I look like when I loose it?'. Learnt behaviour at its worse. I'm really trying to calm it down now and set a better example. As everyone has said though its not easy.

JandMsMum Wed 06-Mar-02 21:26:53

Hi, I happened upon this discussion, and know exactly how you all feel. I have two kiddies, 5 and coming up for 2 and sometimes, I can really loose it! and then feel terrible afterwards. Have any of you heard of ParentLink? It's a parenting course run through local colleges. I have done the first course and am about to embark on the second .... its REALLY worth doing, and on certain things, totally turns your head around. Its also nice to meet other mums with the same issues!! You could always give it a go.

Tinker Wed 06-Mar-02 21:35:05

Oh Maia, that snarly contorted face answering back really struck a chord! When I try to explain why I'm angry (in a calm voice) my daughter now puts her fingers in her ears saying "that voice, that voice"

Ailsa Wed 06-Mar-02 21:55:03

If I'm trying to tell off dd, whether I'm shouting or not, she just shouts loud and over and over again "Blah Blah Blah Blah"

ks Wed 06-Mar-02 22:49:08

Message withdrawn

Jules Wed 06-Mar-02 22:52:06

Thanks for all the comments so far ... what a relief to find so many others in the same boat! I have managed to remain calm since posting my first message. Perhaps just the writing of it made me feel better. Who knows? However, things can and will get better, of that I am sure. Good luck to you all too! Thanks.

Daffy Thu 07-Mar-02 20:01:25

Just wanted to write this and get this off my chest. My 18 month old son really wound me up tonight, managed to get him into bed without much fuss and luckily he's now asleep. My 7 year old who watched all the goings on and knew I was in a bad mood continued on where his brother left off. He always messes about getting ready for bed. What takes me 5 minutes to do on a night takes him 15!! He messed about and messed about and I kept on warning him that I wasn't in the mood until I went into the bathroom to see what was going on and found that he had had a wee in the bin! Can you believe it? I asked him why he had done it and he just smirked. I'm afraid to say that I brought the bin up and caught him slightly under the nose. I didn't hurt him, just made him jump. But it's enough to make me feel bad. We went throught this weeing thing a while ago though when he would wee and miss the toilet on purpose and to find him doing something similar again just made me mad. So now I'm writing this and having a small glass of wine to calm myself down and wondering wether it was so bad. help

jasper Thu 07-Mar-02 23:21:13

Daffy, please don't be so hard on yourself. If you had picked up your son and beaten him black and blue, yes, guilt would be appropriate, but not the situation you describe! It is so frustrating when you know they are deliberately winding you up isn't it! And as for when they do that smirking thing...AAARRGH!!!They all do it, so don't think you are alone.
Pour yourself another glass of wine!

LiamsMum Fri 08-Mar-02 00:30:23

Daffy I agree, don't be hard on yourself about this. Kids can drive you to distraction, so they have to expect that you're not going to take it lying down sometimes. I think I would have throttled him, so you did well in not reacting too severely! It amazes me that kids can be so revolting, especially to the people who care for them the most. I think you just need to keep some firm discipline in place, like grounding him or taking away his privileges (or whatever you think is going to get through to him) so that he knows there are always going to be consequences to his actions.

Daffy Fri 08-Mar-02 14:10:26

Thanks Jasper and LiamsMum. After I posted last night I went and spoke to my son again. I told him that I thought that he was unfair in what he had done and in trying to torment me when he had seen my moods changing from bad to worse. I did apologise and gave him a hug. I guess I am being unfair on everyone at home at the moment as things aren't too good, stress levels are up through the roof somewhere. We're trying to move, nothings going right, everythings going too slow and now there are threats of redundancies at work for my husband, we get to know in about 10 days. What am I supposed to do until then. We don't know if we will be able to move and it's driving me bonkers. I am trying not to think about it, but it's not easy. Can somebody tell me what dd dh and all the other abbreviations mean please. By the way I followed your advice jasper and had another glass of wine and another.........

jasper Fri 08-Mar-02 19:51:09

dd= dear ( or darling) daughter,
ds= dear son
dh=dear husband ( often used sarcastically or is that just me?)
mil= mother in law
hth= hope this helps
imho= in my humble opinion
LOL= laugh out loud
Daffy, glad you resolved things with your son. It can't be easy for you at the moment with the redundancy threat.

SueDonim Fri 08-Mar-02 20:06:36

Still no news, Jasper? Time for that hot curry, maybe!

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